"I've been restless on the inside 
Wondering about this heart of mine 
I've been desperately trying to find 
A way to prove that I'm still alive 

Has the love I speak so loudly of quietly grown cold 
Has my life been an empty voice? 
What I say needs to be seen 
I need to step out and make the choice 
To let go of everything 
Would You reignite this heart spark here in the dark? 

Bring Your love to life inside of me 
Why don't You break my heart 'til it moves my hands and feet 
For the hopeless and the broken 
For the ones that don't know that You love them 
Bring Your love to life inside of me" 

Sometimes it's really hard to be the "ugly friend."

Sometimes I want to hide under my covers and never come out...perhaps just disappear altogether. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist. Sometimes I don't want to keep living. But that's not my choice to make. So I do keep living. I keep getting up everyday. Sometimes it seems like its getting harder and harder. Sometimes I wonder what's happening to me, who I'm becoming. Because I don't really recognize it. It feels like I'm losing myself. Losing a grip on reality. Every now and then I look around and realize that this is real life. This is all really happening. I really am alive. And then I become afraid. I become afraid and want to hide and want to not be alive. It feels like so much pressure. This is the only life I get and I have to make something out of it. I have to do it right or it's wasted. And if it's wasted, it's not like that doesn't matter. It means I've let God down, and I don't want to do that. But everyday I live like I'm living now, I feel like I'm letting Him down anyway. And that's when I want to quit again. Call me a loser, call me a punk, but that's how I feel. I feel like life is too hard and I just want to hide. Hide away and disappear. But I can't. So I keep going, but I don't enjoy it. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm very sad. And discouraged. Sometimes I want to cry. Other times I don't feel anything at all. Just empty. But I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to feel empty...or sad. If I do, that means I'm doing something wrong. I'm probably not praying enough. Or something. It's not that I don't take it seriously. I just honestly don't know what to do anymore. The things people tell me almost seem to mean nothing at all. Everything feels dark and empty and sad. Everywhere I look in my life, I see pain and bad memories. I'm sure it's not as ugly as I'm seeing it to be. I'm sure there's some sort of filter that all my vision is passing through right now. But that's what I see, and so that is how I feel.

I just had the very comforting thought that "I am not a mystery" to God. Even if I don't know what's going on with me, He does. I'm not lost. I'm very much found and seen.

(Was listening to the song "Mended" by Watermark)

I think I may have realized what's been wrong with me. I'm searching for God and don't feel like I've found Him. I keep searching in the quiet places- in the woods, on walks, etc. I do believe we can learn about God from being in nature, but if we want to see His face, to know Him, I believe I can find it in the faces of the poor, the sick, the widow, the orphan, the prisoner, the hungry, and the thirsty. I've been so discouraged because I feel like I can't find God. But maybe I've been looking in the wrong places.

I guess it makes sense that we should only expect to receive those things we ask from God that He has already promised us. At first, that sounds weird to me, like why? But when I think about it, if He is good and every good thing comes from Him, then the only way to ask for something that is good is to ask for something He's promised. There's nothing He's promised that isn't good. And nothing that's good that He hasn't promised....I think? That does at least help it make more sense. Sometimes I think it will build my faith if I get the things I ask Him for, but many of those things aren't things He's promised (directly or indirectly) or that are in His Will. When I don't get those things, it challenges my faith. But maybe the problem really is that I'm not asking for the things I'm supposed to be asking for or that I am asking things I shouldn't. I have heard something like that before. Maybe I need to change what I'm asking.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...