Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
My heart is heavy tonight. I'm thinking about the events that transpired now almost 4 months ago when I lost one friendship and worked really hard to save another. I'm thinking about the pain and disappointment that led up to that point and about the process that followed. I'm thinking of how my heart ached then and remarking at how little that ache has subsided over these few months. I'm also thinking of how she hurts and how this situation really isn't behind us yet. Basically, I'm thinking of heartbreak.
I'm wondering if and when these wounds will finally heal. I'm wondering if that process has begun at all for him. I'm wondering if he still thinks of us- still thinks of me- or if I've faded into the background of his very full life. I wonder, I hope, I wish. I wish it could all just go away, somehow miraculously cure itself. I almost wish we'd never met- not because I don't value his friendship, but because it's hard for me to believe that we're all better off having been left with this much pain.
This post is somewhat a response to an encouragement to write tonight. I thought about it. If I did, I wasn't planning to write about this. I was planning to write about my latest spiritual wrestlings and what God may or may not be teaching me. I was planning to process "aloud" and try to find some clarity. But then, the conversation shifted and, for the first time in months, we talked about this. We revisited the heartbreak and I felt the pain almost as poignantly as I did months ago. Her face a window to her heart, I looked and knew she was feeling it too. Pondering over it tonight and reviewing those last couple of weeks, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had something to write about.
I guess it is getting better. I don't cry about it anymore. But every time I think of it, my heart cringes and it feels like someone is twisting some invisible knife inside me. It still brings up feelings of inadequacy and other things I'll choose not to mention. It makes me sad, but it doesn't completely shut me down. It used to shut me down. For the two months or so leading up to the final decision, the pain was pretty much all I could think about. In the weeks and first couple of months following, I tried not to think about it much at all. But lately I've been revisiting the situation as if immersing myself in the feelings again will somehow help the healing process. I don't know, maybe it will. In a strange way, it feels good to go there again- the same way it feels good to clean a wound or remove a splinter. Not pleasant, but good. I think I never really processed the emotion following the final decision; I was so focused on wanting to move on in my friendship with her. But it never went away, and I'm reminded of what's been left unprocessed every time I feel that knife twist. I think the "good" I feel is me finally letting myself express emotion about this whole thing. For so long, I felt like I wasn't supposed to do that.
I do hope eventually to write about everything else that's going on- all the stuff I was planning to write about before the last part of that conversation happened. However, this is what was heaviest on my heart tonight, so this is what I shared. I just hope it doesn't continue to take center stage because no matter how it feels, it's not the most important part of my life. There's only One who can heal this and all other wounds. He's the One I really need.
I'm wondering if and when these wounds will finally heal. I'm wondering if that process has begun at all for him. I'm wondering if he still thinks of us- still thinks of me- or if I've faded into the background of his very full life. I wonder, I hope, I wish. I wish it could all just go away, somehow miraculously cure itself. I almost wish we'd never met- not because I don't value his friendship, but because it's hard for me to believe that we're all better off having been left with this much pain.
This post is somewhat a response to an encouragement to write tonight. I thought about it. If I did, I wasn't planning to write about this. I was planning to write about my latest spiritual wrestlings and what God may or may not be teaching me. I was planning to process "aloud" and try to find some clarity. But then, the conversation shifted and, for the first time in months, we talked about this. We revisited the heartbreak and I felt the pain almost as poignantly as I did months ago. Her face a window to her heart, I looked and knew she was feeling it too. Pondering over it tonight and reviewing those last couple of weeks, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had something to write about.
I guess it is getting better. I don't cry about it anymore. But every time I think of it, my heart cringes and it feels like someone is twisting some invisible knife inside me. It still brings up feelings of inadequacy and other things I'll choose not to mention. It makes me sad, but it doesn't completely shut me down. It used to shut me down. For the two months or so leading up to the final decision, the pain was pretty much all I could think about. In the weeks and first couple of months following, I tried not to think about it much at all. But lately I've been revisiting the situation as if immersing myself in the feelings again will somehow help the healing process. I don't know, maybe it will. In a strange way, it feels good to go there again- the same way it feels good to clean a wound or remove a splinter. Not pleasant, but good. I think I never really processed the emotion following the final decision; I was so focused on wanting to move on in my friendship with her. But it never went away, and I'm reminded of what's been left unprocessed every time I feel that knife twist. I think the "good" I feel is me finally letting myself express emotion about this whole thing. For so long, I felt like I wasn't supposed to do that.
I do hope eventually to write about everything else that's going on- all the stuff I was planning to write about before the last part of that conversation happened. However, this is what was heaviest on my heart tonight, so this is what I shared. I just hope it doesn't continue to take center stage because no matter how it feels, it's not the most important part of my life. There's only One who can heal this and all other wounds. He's the One I really need.
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