sucky= talking to someone when all you want to do is tell them you love them and miss them but knowing you can't say anything at all. pretending to be distant when you want to be close but remembering that someone else already has that place. watching someone you think you love become happy with someone who isn't you and realizing they're probably better together anyway. then feeling like shit afterward. i f-ing hate this :(

It feels good and comforting just to see his name. To know that he's there, even if I can't talk to him. I hate the thought of not being able to talk to him. I wrote a sort of letter to give him to explain to some extent what's going on. Explaining why I've been distant and why I'll continue to be without giving too much information. On one hand, I really want to let him know so that he won't feel like I'm just brushing him off. On the other hand, I dread sending it because I trust he'll respect my wishes and stop talking to me and I really don't want him to stop talking to me. It feels like the point of no return. Once I send that message, it seems things will be official and I really will have lost him :'(

My Exception

"When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist

But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing"

and now he contacts me. he says he misses me. it's exactly what i want to hear, but exactly what i know i don't need. and i have to brush him off. i didn't even tell him i missed him too. i showed no enthusiasm or concern for spending time with him. i know why, but he doesn't. i feel like a jerk. the last thing i want to do is hurt him. the thought of it makes me want to hide under a rock and just cry.

Wanting More

I have so much. I have things I never knew I could have and never knew I wanted. I have a family who loves me even though we're messy. I have the privilege of being introduced to Jesus at an early age. I have friends whom I love like family. I have all my needs met. I have a roof over my head, I have more food than I need, I have clothes that not only fit me but that I also like, I have a computer, a television, furniture to sit on, glasses to correct my vision...everything I need and most of what I want. Except him. Of all the things I do have, my heart sees and grieves this seemingly small thing that I don't.

It seems the trend lately has been that I just want him to want me. I'm consciously trying to avoid him on one hand, but on the other I want him to contact me. I want the security of knowing that he misses me or wants to be around me or is concerned about me. I think I got so much from him and our friendship. More than I realized. I love being loved by him and knowing that I'm someone special in his life. I find that I want to be special to pretty much everyone who's special to me. But why? I have to ask the question "Why?" What is it that I get from being special to people? What satisfaction or value? I feel like I require so much attention. But why? What am I lacking or feel like I'm lacking that's causing me to seek approval and value from all these people? It's like I'm crying out to the world or at least the people in my little world, "Love me!" But maybe I don't love me yet either. Maybe that's the problem. I'm finally starting to understand that God loves me (still don't know why but I'm giving up that question) but I never have concluded that other question, that one that always stops me in my tracks: "Do you love yourself?" I don't think I've ever successfully answered it. I think sometimes I forget it needs an answer. I hear it, think about, formulate some possible responses, then let it go. Maybe losing him will finally make me face the big question and deal with all the messy stuff below.

"I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
And I'm begging you to beg me"

"No, I don't cry on the outside anymore..."

"I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes"

a new season

with the change of season outside comes a seeming change in the seasons of my life. relationships that once seemed unshakable or as though they might last forever seem to be drying up and being blown away by crisp fall wind.

this feels like too much. it's weird. i don't know how to explain the feeling i have now. it's like this nervous energy mixed with stress and frustration and i feel like i'm going to break. i want to hit something, scream, yell, cry. i don't know. i don't understand this feeling. i don't know what to do with this.

heart broken for the first time and he doesn't even know... :'(

but i never told you what i should have said
no, i never told you; i just held it in
and now, i miss everything about you
can't believe that i still want you
after all the things we've been through
i miss everything about you
without you

I keep torturing myself with music. Not really torture. It's more like I can feel so much bottled inside me that I want to emote. Music helps me do that. I haven't really been able to find very many songs that express what I'm feeling and describe the situation well. I think the best was "Long, Long, Time" by Linda Ronstadt. I put the lyrics up on facebook and I'm surprised no one has made any comments. That's probably a good thing because I don't want to explain (or refuse to explain) what it's all about.

I almost want to write my own lyrics to express this. How did I do this to myself??

sad that i can't call him :(

when you focus on the right thing, it makes it easier to not focus on the rough things. need to draw closer to God now...

Stories

I never knew that it would feel like this When the two that raised you up and call it quits
Nobody told me 'bout the emptiness
When the place you call home is closed for business
I push the pain down, I gotta "get by"
Always knowin' in my heart that it ain't gonna fly
Rock bottom's never felt so near before
And if pain is God's megaphone it's loud and clear

So hold me now Father, human love ain't enough
I've failed and been failed by the people I love
But your faithful arms they surround me
And any other soul who has to sail those seas
Of a broken family

We've been down to the bottom
Stories we got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
To let the lost know that someone cares

Cause we've been down to the bottom
Stories we've got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
And let somebody know that the Most High cares

Been so many times that I've been close to rock bottom
Tryin' to look for answers but nobody's got'em
Like the time my mother looked me in the eye
Tryin' not to cry, tellin' me the cancer might cause her to die
How can this be? I thought that God loved me
So why would he try to take my mother from me?
And as I cry myself to sleep at night, holding on my pillow tight
He spoke to me and said that everything gonna be alright
So I tried to fight all the pain that it caused
Try to move on and I try to stay strong

So put your hands up, if y'all are feelin' me
And put your hands up, for everyone to see
So put your hands up, we all a family
So put your hands up, in unity, in unity

...

I've been there too
When everything falls apart and the best you can do is
Get through each day wonderin' will this never end?
Is it always gonna be this way?
And the greatest lie you've ever been told is that
You're the only one to ever walk on this road
And that you'll never see the light of dawn, so we came together to say
Hold on


Cause we've been there and found our way home
I promise you that you're not on your own
One day this will pass, God will see us all through
God will see us all through, God will see us all pass through

-Superchic[k] and TobyMac

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I can't even begin to express how thankful I am. I don't think I could han- ...I don't even want to think about it. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

It feels like there is so much unexpressed emotion welled up inside of me that I can literally physically feel it. I don't even know what it is. I can tell it's time for my period. I've been a little off-center lately. I don't even know how to release it all or even what it is.

i was wrong, i've got another week! this makes me surprisingly happy!! :-D

Forgiveness and Old Wounds

Hm, kind of a lot to think about.

Yesterday was the formal end of my intentional 30 days of media fasting and instead spending time with God. Although, towards the end there, I sort of started falling off the wagon. But I've got to be make sure I keep going. My life of faith got so much stronger. I observed things in myself that I'd tried to hide. Like the fear. I can see so much fear in me sometimes, and I really don't know where it comes from. I feel like that's something I need to address.

Also, yesterday, I was thinking about this whole idea of forgiveness. I've finally started to understand what it means to forgive and how it's just a choice you make. It's basically saying that the person no longer owes you the cost of what they've done. It's choosing to forget. That's what God has done for us and what we're commanded to do for each other. I've started to learn to do this with friends and smaller situations like arguments and such. But when I think about deeper and longer-standing cuts, like with my dad, it's a lot harder. To say to him, whether verbally or not, that he no longer owes me the cost of what he's done- it almost seems like it's not possible. That's a problem because it wasn't set out as a suggestion or a choice. We were told to forgive- I think so that we can be forgiven. I have to forgive him, but it feels so hard. I guess this is one of those points where I just have to acknowledge my inability and ask God to change my heart. I can feel that there are still a lot of unspoken emotions wrapped up in it all. When I start to think about it, I can feel them ebbing at the surface of my heart. So much that I want to express but don't know how. So much pain. I don't think I could do it alone anyway. I feel like I would need someone to hold my hand through it. So many tears I have yet to cry. When will the floodgates finally open?

Bored and lonely. I shouldn't be, but that's kind of how I feel. I recognize this. I feel lonely because I don't want to be alone most likely because I'm having trouble sorting out my thoughts. Being with people would be a distraction- which I'd probably enjoy but don't really need.

I kind of feel like I wish I could fast forward to Sunday. I don't see tomorrow being very exciting either. What I'm supposed to be doing is drawing near to God in times like this. But I just feel so messy right now. I don't really know how or maybe I should say, I don't really feel like I can or if I'm really honest, don't really know if I want to right now. That's bad. I'm sorry Lord.

I need...focus. And persistence. And determination maybe? I don't know. I want to be distracted right now. Or at least have someone to talk to about everything. But, on these subjects, my resources are kind of limited. *Sigh* :-/

I can't judge anyone with addictions. I shouldn't judge anyone at all. But I do find it particularly difficult to judge those who struggle with addictions. I see that behavior so much in my own life. I try and free myself (still haven't learned to give up and just let God handle it), but when things get rough, those are the things I run to. Everything I try and avoid on a normal basis. It's kind of frustrating, but it's like familiar ground to me. It really makes me want to study and understand more so what addictions really are. They have a special kind of hold on the person they influence. It's like comfort. That can't be ok.

Trying to remember that He still loves me even when everything doesn't feel great. The true test will be to see how faith holds up and what role it plays in the rough times. Do I trust Him to get me through the hard stuff?

I feel surprisingly sad. I'm generally not very good at understanding my emotions right away. I'm trying to understand what exactly I feel and why. I think it's not what I initially thought. I think this is getting at a deeper issue. One that I've held hidden even from me for some time now. Maybe. Like I said, I don't fully understand my emotions. I know there's part of me that wants to cry, but I don't fully understand why. I think I've also just felt more emotional lately in general. I've felt like I really needed to be touched and loved. I've dreamed of being held and comforted and stroked. My heart feels uneasy and a little restless I guess. But I don't know why. I have that feeling of wanting to be cared for and have been trying to figure out where I can get it from.

Sometimes I think I give off the impression that I'm not a person who needs tender care and affection. I don't do it on purpose. But sometimes I look at my behavior and think, "Well, I guess I'm not making it clear." But it's crazy because, in actuality, I'm exactly the opposite of that. I need lots of love and affection. I long to held and loved just as much as the next person.

It was interesting last night. I was talking to a friend and our conversation took an interesting turn. I was asking her about a situation that was bothering me with one of my friends. The situation is kind of sad for me. She usually gives me pretty good advice about these things, and I generally follow it. All of a sudden, though, she surprised me by saying some very affirming things that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. It was just really nice. It lifted my heart and my spirits a lot, especially coming from her. I thank God for it. I kind of see it as Him affirming and expressing His love for me through her. I really needed that I think.

"i love you  and it's always fun  i really enjoy you ....

  ...for you

  i feel totally free to be myself around you

  like completely a dork

  and idiot

  and it's wonderful :)

  but i can also go really deep with you

  you have a special quality about you :)"  I asked God for an expression of love yesterday morning. Maybe this was His way of responding :-)