He is JEALOUS for me.

So that feeling I get when I see someone I love ignoring me to be with someone else, that's the same feeling He has for me?

Wow.

rollercoaster

It's been an interesting day. Started off bad, then got a little better. Then was AWFUL. Felt like a total failure. Hated myself for a bit. Made some very dramatic internal resolutions. Day got a little better. Then it was amazing. And in the light of not feeling so awful about myself and my decisions, I'm questioning the need for the dramatic-ness of my internal resolutions. But just because things got a little better doesn't mean that I still dont need those steps. Hard decisions. But I think I might need it. But I wonder if this is the right time.

I'm so glad my friends are home :)

Hold On

Hold On by TobyMac

Wake up to the morning light
Wipe away the lonely nights
Let a brand new day wash over you
Wanna see you smile again
Show some love to your crazy friends
Wipe your tears away, those days are through
If you move just a little bit closer
You can put your head on my shoulder
Yeah, yeah

So baby hold on
Just another day or two
I can see the clouds are moving faster now
And the sun is breaking through
If you could hold on
To the One that’s holding you
There is nothing that can stop this crazy love
From breaking through, we’re breaking through

Wake up to the rising sun
Thank the Lord for the things He’s done
Lift your eyes to the hope that’s ever true
Wanna see you smiling girl
You’re a light in this jaded world
Wipe away those tears
This one’s for you

And the stars are up there shining for you
Oh, how the Father does adore you
His love will never change
And you and I, we were born to follow
The hope that will lead us to tomorrow
And no one can take it away

Stirring Something Deep Within

Come Children by Christafari

Was there a time that you could cry,
and never try your tears to hide?
Was there a place where you could go
,where secrets live and feelings show?
For as we grow and childhood fades
we build our walls we complicate
while somewhere deep inside cries that lonely child

Well come God's children say God wants you to come,
come let us rest in our Fathers arms.
Well come God's children say God wants you to come
because God's love, I say it will never end (is eternal).

Did you ever fall asleep in your Fathers arms
...come, come, come, come children
,so calm a heart so full and free from harm?
...come, come, come, come children,
Come now once again we return again to that quiet place
...come, come, come, come children, ".
Set free just to live again in His sweet embrace
...come, come, come, come children,".
So many on their quests for peace
a shelter where their hearts can rest
still held by chains built up from pain,
could never trust enough to love again
so let Jah [See Psalm 68:4] love come enter in
and in time you will begin
to find and to love as the child deep with in your soul.

Looking for a Rabbit Hole

(Written last night but published this morning)

On the suggestion of a friend, tonight I researched the condition known as co-dependency. Even having been a psych major, I didn't realize it was an actual condition. So I looked it up and don't recall ever having read about a mental issue and had it describe me and my life so accurately....I freakin hate how messed up my family has made me.

From Mental Health America:

Factsheet: Co-dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

• An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
• The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
• The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

All of the above.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them (yup). As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs (sounds like me). They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves (oh look there I am again). They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited (bingo!)
Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity. (hmm....sounds familiar)
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need (story of my life. what a train wreck). A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” (embarrassing but true) When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships (whoa, there's a mouthful. but yeah, it's true).

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? Sometimes
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? Constantly
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? Yes
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? No
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own? About me, yes
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home? Sometimes
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? Probably would. I feel it with friends.
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be? Sometimes
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? Sometimes
10. Have you ever felt inadequate? Frequently
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake? Often
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? Yes
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake? n/a
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? Yes
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done? Yes
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss? No
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life? Who I am, no. Where I'm going, yes.
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help? Yes
19. Do you have trouble asking for help? Yes when it's for me personally
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them? Yes
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
____________

When I first read this and responded to my friend, I felt overwhelmed and very sad. I really just wanted to cry and was tempted to just neglect all my relationships having the thought that I needed to protect them from myself

Letting Go

I'm not very good at letting things go, but I've been wondering lately if it's time for some practice. How long do you hold on to something that's obviously not working. Do you keep holding on hoping that things will get better, that someone will change? Or do you acknowledge what's what and just move on? I've been thinking about this lately. I think part of my personality type is given to walking away from people and things as new ones come along. So I want to be sure it's not that coming into play. But I look at the situation(s) and wonder if it's really any use. Maybe certain things or relationships just aren't meant to be, even if you don't hate each other.
The other thought, is how long do you hope in/for a person. I suppose the answer is "never." I think the Bible says something about "putting no confidence in the flesh." I don't know if it's referring to that or not, but either way, I guess we're not supposed to hope in people but rather in God and just love people. And if you ask how long you're supposed to love a person, I think the answer is "always."

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

 But then I have to ask the question what does it look like to love? Can't I love a person from afar? The truth is, I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of hoping, waiting, wishing, wanting, wondering and then being disappointed when things don't work. Maybe it's just time to go. 

I think I've finally figured out what's wrong with me. I miss my Father, God. Wow, how my spirit longs for Him. I can feel it now. Unlike any feeling I can recall. I can't even really describe it.

Longing

I want to be somebody's everything. I wonder if this is natural and healthy or selfish and wrong. Or maybe it's both natural and wrong. I've been observing my relationships recently and noticing how jealous I feel when I notice another person becoming close to someone I like (whether as a romantic interest, friend, or someone I look up to). I think I feel like my relationship with them is either threatened or somehow less special. I worry they like this other person more than they like me and that they're more important to them than I am. Irrational, of course, but real nonetheless.
I sometimes think about where this kind of mindset comes from. Wherever it comes from, I believe it's been magnified by my own sense of selfishness. I want to be important, but that's not my calling. I think there's probably a reason why I predisposed to struggle in this area though. I think that's the way it is with most of our sins. Our life circumstances create brokenness and holes that we respond to either healthily or sinfully.
For me, I think it's been in part my family situation. I don't have a strong relationship with either of my parents and I find myself sometimes trying to replace that. I think there's also the issue of trying to fill a God-shaped hole with other things and people.  I'm looking for deep, unconditional, "you're my favorite" kind of love. God offers it, but I don't really know how to accept it from Him. It seems much easier to get it from people, except they're imperfect and usually fail me.

Random(ish): I really wish I were a better person.

Pure

Staying pure is SO difficult. i used to think i was the only one who struggled, but i've learned differently over the past few years. in fact, i think most people do. i kind of just assume it. i generally put people into one of 4 categories: 1) those who really struggle with it, 2) those who deal with it and see nothing wrong with it 3) those who are sexually repressed and don't really know to struggle with it yet, and 4) that very, very rare few who are aware of and comfortable with their sexuality but just aren't tempted in that area as much. that's a very very small group. although i know this, it's still really hard. i want to beat this. i want nothing to control my life. but man does it suck.

fyi, i'm not just making stuff up. since i actually started talking about it with people, i've come across very very few girls who don't or haven't struggled with it to some degree. for the one or two who haven't said it or alluded to it, their total aversion to the topic suggests to me that they're a little repressed in that area.

Accountability is a blessing from God.

i'm deciding i want to be more forthcoming about this whole thing. when i realized i wasn't alone, that's when i felt free to find accountability. that relationship has been an incredible blessing in both our lives. i think a lot of other people, particularly girls, could use that freedom. i think a lot of girls still think they're the only ones that struggle with purity of mind and body. it eats you alive because you feel guilty because you know deep down it's wrong but you also feel way to ashamed to talk to anyone because you think you're the only one. so it just consumes you. i lived that way for a long time until finally i told my best friend one night after having said that there was still something she didn't know about me. that idea was upsetting to her so i spilled. i freaked out. i cried and hyperventilated- each occurring separately of the other. the reaction was so deep because i was sharing something for the first time that had consumed my life for about 13 or 14 years. i was buried under shame and guilt. and conviction because i did know it was wrong. i knew it was wrong from the time i was a very small child (maybe 6 years old?) and it had followed me all that time.

the next time i shared, i was leading a girls discussion/book study group for the Christian student org i was about to become president of at my university. i decided we needed to take a break from our normal  book study and to instead listen to a message about being real and removing our masks. so i took a leap figuring that as the president of my chapter i couldn't in good conscience ask them to do anything i wasn't willing to do. so i shared. a lot. everything actually. i shared all of the "big 3" aspects of my personal story that i had determined several years prior that i would never tell people. the walls came down. and as i shared, more girls opened up. it was here that an accountability relationship on the topic of purity was birthed between me and another friend. it was the first time i can remember hearing anyone admit to struggling in this area outside of my other friend who'd attributed it to different causes.

now more and more, i hear the topic being brought up. i've even heard it addressed by speakers at ours and other gatherings. i've talked about it with girls from more recent girls' groups. and little by little, freedom is being won. so i've decided that i have to be honest, both for my sake and for the sakes of the girls who'll continue to struggle in silence until they know that they're not alone.