So, this isn't exactly the way I wanted to start off my new blog. It seems whenever I begin a new writing venue, one of the first things I talk about is my most recent "boy" trouble. I was hoping I'd grown out of that phase. I guess that's something we never really grow out of. Even once I'm married, I'll probably want to keep a journal about how much my husband annoys me when he doesn't take out the trash or fold his socks properly. Complaining seems to be second nature to us as human beings- perhaps even first nature. But sometimes it seems necessary for some "complaining" is merely an expression of our deepest and truest feelings. To not state them would be dishonest would it not? Should they be written off then as "complaining" simply because they seem negative? That doesn't seem fair to me.

My latest bit of "boy" trouble is quite different from what I'm used to. Usually, I'm either pining after someone who is not interested, torn because I don't know which boy to like (but never pursue), or musing over whether or not its even a good time for me to pursue a relationship at all. This time, however, I find myself at a three-way crossroads knowing which decision I need to make but determining it to be just a little too hard. Road #1: Let one go and hold on to the other even though I can almost be certain it's not going anywhere, Road #2: Let the second one go and hold on to the first thinking that maybe something will change in a few months and we can pick up where we left off, Road #3: Let them both go and walk solo into the unknown. I know that #3 is the healthy decision, but taking those first few steps is just kind of painful and a little bit scary.

It's also hard because making the wrong decision can hurt more than just me this time. What do you do when one of your best friends starts to like someone you've liked for three years? I'm pretty sure this guy is not interested in me as anything more than a friend and sister in Christ. And, granted, I did start talking to someone else at one point recently. But that was never very solid- evidenced by the fact that he starting seeing someone else about a month after he started talking to me. The fact is, I never fully let go of this first guy. I definitely had my doubts about the viability of anything that could happen between us though. We're very different. But I never actually gave it up. Then I leave for 5 weeks, come home, and my best friend now has feelings for him. It's so weird for me- especially since every time I talked about how I liked him to her, she'd get this really grossed out look then list off all the reasons why she could never feel that way about him always topping it off with "he's just my brother." I feel like it's no longer okay for me to have any interest in him as anything more than a friend- which doesn't seem fair since I was the one who was interested first. That means something right? Of course, I can't say much of this to her because regardless of how I feel, it's not fair for me to make him off limits to her...not to say that I have the power to do that anyway, but she's just that great of a friend that she honestly doesn't want to hurt me. If I just let it go and accept that it's never going to happen with this guy and me, it would free her up to do what she wants without worrying about me and it would free me up from cringing and feeling the need to leave the room whenever I see them talk to each other.

I think what I'm feeling is jealousy. Why does he seem interested in her but was never interested in me? Why is that she can connect with him on a meaningful level when I never could? I think underneath the jealousy is insecurity and underneath the insecurity lies low self-esteem. "Why not me?" what about "Why me? Why would he like me?" It's all these self-loathing thoughts that tell me I'm not worth it anyway. It's my lack of belief that any guy could find me attractive or interesting enough to want to get to know me. And each time one chooses not to, it reinforces that thought pattern. It's like pressing into an old wound that has never been properly tended. It hurts a lot and it makes a lot of icky stuff come out.

So here I am consuming large amounts of sugar trying to forget that all too familiar feeling of incurable loneliness. The problem is, though, that carbs don't make the sadness go away...they are pretty good, however, at adding numbers to the readout on my scale...but that's a whole other story...

I need to let go of this mindset that if I'm not in a relationship or at least moving towards one, that I'm destined to be alone forever. First of all, I serve an omnipresent God, so I am NEVER alone. Secondly, I am not defined by romantic relationships. I have tons of other relationships in my life, so I'm not alone in a physical sense either. Lastly, even if I don't see where romantic love is blooming, if God's plan is that I should marry, then I'm sure He's orchestrating that right now in ways that I can't even understand. I just have to trust Him- trust that He's there and trust that He's taking care of everything I need.

Now, if only I could transfer this head knowledge to my heart, maybe I wouldn't feel like crying right now.