If you're looking for love....

I've found myself in a bit of a slump lately. I've not been very diligent with my quiet times and scripture reading. I've been falling to temptation a lot too. Recently some debate has been coming up concerning the Faith. There's a guy in the group I help out with who used to believe like we do but is now questioning a lot of things and has, it seems, gone somewhat astray. Last week I was having a conversation with him, and, for some reason, it seemed to affect me more than something like that normally would. I felt weak and unable to shield myself properly against things that I know weren't true. I attribute it to my recent lack of grounding in Christ. I described it to someone as a fighter getting out of condition. They take more hits. It feels kind of like I've gotten out of spiritual conditioning, and it seems like it's affecting multiple facets of my life. Like I mentioned before, I've been struggling a lot with temptation and having a harder time making the right choice. I've also noticed a difference in my overall demeanor and emotional state. I've been feeling lonely. It's weird. I know I have people around me who care, but it still feels like I'm missing something. I miss human touch and affection and intimacy I guess. And it doesn't seem like there's anyone around to give me those things. And even when they do, it's still not quite what I'm looking for. I want to be taken care of. I miss that. I miss having people care about me and what's going on and being able to talk through life issues with someone. I know I have friends but 1) they don't seem particularly interested in that and 2) there are only a few who are actually good listeners and offer helpful feedback. That's not to be harsh; just honest. I miss being a part of the group and having a staff person. I felt more cared about then and I felt like I always had someone to talk to. I don't really feel like that anymore. I guess I'm not supposed to. I just sometimes wish I still had someone to pour into me. Is that selfish? I do, however, tend to think that a lot of this is a result of not spending quality alone time with Jesus. I think maybe I would feel cared for if I spent time with the One who cares the most. I'm flirting with those feelings again of feeling unloved. That's my temptation sometimes- to feel unloved even though I know it's not true. I guess I just don't have a lot of people responding to me right now in the ways that I tend to communicate love: physical touch and spending special time. I know that my friends love me in their own ways. I guess I just miss those other things too.

So I decided I was going to let it go....

I guess searching the net for the only online picture I know about doesn't really fit into that eh?

*Sigh* one day it will really all be over. One day.

Lots to think about...

I find myself recently seriously wanting change in my life. It's weird because I'm pretty sure that things are going to really change soon. I graduate officially in less than two months. Then, I'll have some serious decision making to do. But for now, I'm really craving more order. I'm so tired of my room being messy, of not having time or energy to do things that I need or want to do, and of having the exact same answer every single time someone asks me what's going on in my life. I think I want to cut back some hours at work especially starting next year. I really want to do it now, but I need money for a lot of the things I have coming up. That need for money is also driving me to want to find a better job. That way I could work less but still have enough money for the things I need/want to do. I want to move out. I wanted to do that this semester, but it didn't work out. My hope is that I can find a job that pays me well enough that I can have at least 2 full days off of work each week (7 days) but still be able to support myself living in my own place. So many decisions.... do I go back to China for a year? Do I stay here and start working on staff for this same ministry that I've been involved in? I have a heart for both. I have good reasons for both. I still don't know what to do. I just want to talk to a completely unbiased source. Someone who is in no way connected to either decision but who would understand and appreciate both options. *Sigh* so much on my mind today. I don't know what to do. Before I get to all of that though, the first thing I want to do is to move upstairs to my brother's old room. I'd be closer to my mother, which would bring its own set of stress. But I would also then be within the law. I have to do the right thing. My next dilemma with that- do I bring my computer upstairs with me or leave it in a public area? I get so distracted by the internet. I think I would get a lot more done if it weren't in my room. I have reading I want to do, plans to make (once a direction is set out), and lots and lots of time that I need to spend with God. I think my computer sometimes distracts me from things like that. I used to be so thoughtful, so introspective and reflective. I wrote and I read. Once I had internet access, I found that I didn't do those things so much anymore. I even saw that when I got back from China and we had a blackout. I spent the day pouring through a novel that I had determined I wanted to read. But the next day when the power was back on, I was back online chatting, listening to music, and doing all the things that so easily distract me. Things like this lead me to believe that perhaps all of our advancements in technology are not necessarily such a good thing. Sure they can be useful tools, but anything that distracts us from our focus in Christ needs to be cut out. If your right eye offends you, pluck it out; if your right hand offends you, cut it off. It's better to be in the kingdom of heaven without a hand or an eye than to be in hell having all our members. Obviously, this isn't a direct quote but the idea is there. I'd rather "miss out" on some luxuries in life and live better for Christ than to everything my freedom in Christ allows me to have and because of it be less effective for Him. I haven't really thought that through a lot, but those are some things floating around in my head. Right now, though, I have to run and finish getting ready for work. Later...