Sometimes I want to hide under my covers and never come out...perhaps just disappear altogether. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist. Sometimes I don't want to keep living. But that's not my choice to make. So I do keep living. I keep getting up everyday. Sometimes it seems like its getting harder and harder. Sometimes I wonder what's happening to me, who I'm becoming. Because I don't really recognize it. It feels like I'm losing myself. Losing a grip on reality. Every now and then I look around and realize that this is real life. This is all really happening. I really am alive. And then I become afraid. I become afraid and want to hide and want to not be alive. It feels like so much pressure. This is the only life I get and I have to make something out of it. I have to do it right or it's wasted. And if it's wasted, it's not like that doesn't matter. It means I've let God down, and I don't want to do that. But everyday I live like I'm living now, I feel like I'm letting Him down anyway. And that's when I want to quit again. Call me a loser, call me a punk, but that's how I feel. I feel like life is too hard and I just want to hide. Hide away and disappear. But I can't. So I keep going, but I don't enjoy it. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm very sad. And discouraged. Sometimes I want to cry. Other times I don't feel anything at all. Just empty. But I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to feel empty...or sad. If I do, that means I'm doing something wrong. I'm probably not praying enough. Or something. It's not that I don't take it seriously. I just honestly don't know what to do anymore. The things people tell me almost seem to mean nothing at all. Everything feels dark and empty and sad. Everywhere I look in my life, I see pain and bad memories. I'm sure it's not as ugly as I'm seeing it to be. I'm sure there's some sort of filter that all my vision is passing through right now. But that's what I see, and so that is how I feel.