Two things: 1. I think I'm afraid to heal emotionally. I think I've come, on some levels, to identify myself by my pain and wounds and I'm really not sure who I'd be if they weren't there and if they didn't have such a grip on my life.
2. I think sometimes I need to let puss ooze a little. It's like there's an emotional infection inside of me and if I let it go for awhile all this puss and corruption builds up. So every now and then, I need to press on it and let some of that flow out. That could be through a conversation or reading a book or something like the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality inventory I just took. Thinking about it a lot, gaining a little clarity, and sharing with others are all ways that I evacuate the wound. It seems lately I've been needing that a little more frequently than usual. It's like the infection is flaring up right now or something. I'm not sure what's causing that, but I find myself needing that outlet more often. I think I could really benefit from pouring some anti-septic in it to clean it out and bandage it up to help it heal properly. But that takes overcoming number 1. I'm not sure if I'm there yet. I want to be because I feel like I should be, but I still don't know if I can do it.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A new season and a new day
Out with the old, in with the new. That's what this new year is calling for. I've had a surprisingly unhappy past few months filled with a lot of sadness, confusion, pain, fear, and worry. However, I've decided that I don't want to carry all of that into the new year. I don't expect that I can magically make it all go away, but I do think I can change my attitude, choose to think on different things or to think differently about the same things. I don't want to live my life depressed and feeling distant from God and people. That's what I've been recently. I don't want to lose hope or lose sight of who God is or the fact that He is in complete control of my life and I therefore have nothing to fear even if (though) my future seems shaky and uncertain. My life is not my own.
I think I need to spend this year really reflecting and actively pursuing healing for my past hurts. Too long I've allowed them to control me. Sometimes it actually feels good to indulge and just feel the pain, but really I just want to move forward. But I can't seem to because I know there's stuff there that I haven't dealt with. I've been coming to the conclusion more so that I am a VERY emotional person whereas I'd thought before that I wasn't. I think I just don't really show them very much. I don't understand them or really know how to express them. But I recognize that they often drive me and my actions or decisions. I want to let God into that deepest part of me, that part that I don't even know how to access myself. I often feel like there's this big part of me and my relationship with God that's missing. The part that cries and feels deeply. The part that's moved by others' pain. I want God to enter that part and to heal it and to be real to me there. I'm tired of feeling like I hit a brick wall when I get there. The past week or so has been bad. I hit such a low point. I did what I could to avoid being alone. Finally, there seemed to be no option and there I was alone in my apartment with not much to do. I just laid there and talked to God. It seemed as though part of me opened up. I think it's more like some of baggage overflowed. I prayed and cried, prayed and cried. I felt so lost and so not okay. I didn't even know why I felt bad, just that I did. I was able to talk to a friend's dad yesterday and that seemed really helpful. I didn't mean to get into a long conversation with him, but it just seemed to happen. For some reason, I just felt open where I think I normally wouldn't have. I think maybe it was God urging me to take the rescue that was in front of me. He encouraged me to get to the root of my emotional issues and really let God in there. That's what I want to do. He recommeded a book that I think I may actually try and get. It's called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. That conversation, singing hymns, and praying with and sitting in the comforting arms a friend seem to have helped so much. I believe God really does love us through the Body of Christ. I've felt considerably better since then. Tonight in church, I sang worship songs with more sincerety than I had in awhile. My mind was still wandering, but I was starting to remember the greatness of God and the beauty of His love and how wonderful it is that He says it's for me.
I've been asked to give my testimony at my young adult group this week. It can be about any number of things. I still haven't decided what to say. I want to talk about the past, but there's also so much I'm learning right now that I'd like to share. I don't know. We'll see. I have a feeling that by the time it rolls around, God will have done so much in my heart, it wouldn't have been possible to adequately prepare too far in advance.
Happy New Year friends! May this chronological marker double as a spiritual milestone in your life. Raise your ebenezer here so that when you look back you can remember that it was God who brought you this far.
Amen.
I think I need to spend this year really reflecting and actively pursuing healing for my past hurts. Too long I've allowed them to control me. Sometimes it actually feels good to indulge and just feel the pain, but really I just want to move forward. But I can't seem to because I know there's stuff there that I haven't dealt with. I've been coming to the conclusion more so that I am a VERY emotional person whereas I'd thought before that I wasn't. I think I just don't really show them very much. I don't understand them or really know how to express them. But I recognize that they often drive me and my actions or decisions. I want to let God into that deepest part of me, that part that I don't even know how to access myself. I often feel like there's this big part of me and my relationship with God that's missing. The part that cries and feels deeply. The part that's moved by others' pain. I want God to enter that part and to heal it and to be real to me there. I'm tired of feeling like I hit a brick wall when I get there. The past week or so has been bad. I hit such a low point. I did what I could to avoid being alone. Finally, there seemed to be no option and there I was alone in my apartment with not much to do. I just laid there and talked to God. It seemed as though part of me opened up. I think it's more like some of baggage overflowed. I prayed and cried, prayed and cried. I felt so lost and so not okay. I didn't even know why I felt bad, just that I did. I was able to talk to a friend's dad yesterday and that seemed really helpful. I didn't mean to get into a long conversation with him, but it just seemed to happen. For some reason, I just felt open where I think I normally wouldn't have. I think maybe it was God urging me to take the rescue that was in front of me. He encouraged me to get to the root of my emotional issues and really let God in there. That's what I want to do. He recommeded a book that I think I may actually try and get. It's called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. That conversation, singing hymns, and praying with and sitting in the comforting arms a friend seem to have helped so much. I believe God really does love us through the Body of Christ. I've felt considerably better since then. Tonight in church, I sang worship songs with more sincerety than I had in awhile. My mind was still wandering, but I was starting to remember the greatness of God and the beauty of His love and how wonderful it is that He says it's for me.
I've been asked to give my testimony at my young adult group this week. It can be about any number of things. I still haven't decided what to say. I want to talk about the past, but there's also so much I'm learning right now that I'd like to share. I don't know. We'll see. I have a feeling that by the time it rolls around, God will have done so much in my heart, it wouldn't have been possible to adequately prepare too far in advance.
Happy New Year friends! May this chronological marker double as a spiritual milestone in your life. Raise your ebenezer here so that when you look back you can remember that it was God who brought you this far.
Amen.
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