Love and Loss

There is a pain I do not know
Cannot know
Don't really want to know.
The pain of loss.
The loss of control
over the loss of a soul
of someone close to me.
I haven't cried endless nights
I haven't sobbed asking why
this one I so love was taken away.
I do not know this pain.
Because I do not know,
I cannot understand.
I simply can't relate.
And though I sometimes wish
I could comprehend the pain
I know I don't want to experience it.
For this is my greatest mortal fear.
To lose one whom I love
Knowing this life will never see us
together again.
I think of how it will happen,
who it will be.
When?
Will it be expected after an illness
Or will a foolish driver make this reality true
long before it should have been.
An icy road, a rickety vehicle, a violent criminal.
All equally capable of snatching from my heart
the comfort of wholeness.

The danger in loving is the endpoint of that love. The wider my circle, the greater the chance of losing someone in it. I find myself asking if that is a risk that I'm willing to take. But the question is brief as I remember the truth that " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." (Tennyson)

Had a conversation with that friend today. It feels better. I want to do whatever it takes. I knew when I saw her that the connection was too strong to fade that quickly. The entire time we were together- pre-, during, and post-talking- all i wanted to do was to hug her. I love my friends. My heart is so vulnerably attached to each of them. It's scary because that means they have a certain amount of power over me. I don't like the thought of being vulnerable. But it's true. Few things can so negatively affect my mood as a relationship gone awry. I still worry for her. I don't know where she stands with God. I don't know what kinds of things she's become involved with. But I know that I love her and that I want to commit myself in whatever way possible or necessary to being her friend. We talk evangelism, but do we live it? I think we could all use a little evangelism- someone reminding us what we believe, someone loving us into Christian community and relationship with God. Who says its supposed to stop once a person crosses the line of faith? So, I'm going to "evangelize" my friend til I'm blue in the face because I love her just that much.

Man, I really screw up when I go all inward focused. I don't think straight and I miss a lot. There are people around me who are actually hurting, who need connection, and where am I? I'm off sulking by myself, keeping my friendship- and my love- all to myself. How selfish! There are a lot of people I haven't talked to, a lot of responsibilities I've ignored, a lot of opportunities I've missed. Why? Because I was too focused on how I "feel" to care about most other things. I really do get tired of myself sometimes. I mean that not in a self-pitying, "the world hates me" sort of way, but in a true, "why can't i just do the right thing" sort of way. I do this so much. In and out, up and down. Constantly. It's annoying when I look at it from a more healthy perspective. Right now, the image I have is one of me stepping out of a cave after having been down there in the dark for so long. I squint and shield my face from the sun. I feel like I'm coming out of a cave of darkness in my life. What I don't understand is how I end up there *so* often.

I like boys. A lot. I always have. My first crush was in kindergarten on this kid named Christopher. I think I liked him because he was nice to me. My crushes these days are a little more complex. Complexity adds confusion. There are boys. A few of them. None of them are aware of their status in my mind as "boys" (in the non-childish sense, that is). I think for now its best to keep it that way because I don't know what to do or even really how I feel. But I am me, and I don't have tons of self-control just yet. Not to say that I'll cross any lines, but chances are I'll either intentionally or unintentionally try to let them know the "cookie is out there" so to speak ;)

"Prayer For A Friend"

"Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You"

Casting Crowns

It's probably not safe to trust your heart after 3am. I'm going to bed.

I don't want to think that you're ignoring me. But that's what it looks like. And it hurts like hell.

i feel worse after that conversation than i felt before. i can't afford to lose another friend. i don't know what to do.

i understand more clearly the lure of drug and alcohol addiction. it easier to stop yourself from thinking when you don't have to do all the work.

and this kind of thinking is part of why i don't drink at all.

and i fear i may have lost a friend. this is not a pain i've had before.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

the fray

strange week its been. i can see a different side of me. a side that i dont think even i fully know. the side that would be more dominant were it not for my relationship with God. im not sure i want to know it. but i know its there. i know my tendencies, my desires, my struggles, and the things i'm drawn to. i dont think i'd want to see myself apart from God. i think i would hate myself much much more than i sometimes already do. i can see where i might not want to live. thank God for God.

is there anything more painful than watching someone you love drift away from God and you at the same time? even in the death of a loved one who knows Jesus, there is the hope of seeing them again. but when they've left you and Jesus, what is there left to hope for?

Can you hear me now?

"Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?"

zoegirl

"Stained-Glass Masquerade "

"...So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples?
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
....
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be..."

Casting Crowns

"...my heart is hurting,
my spirit near broken,
my hope is almost gone.
Lord come quick,
Do something please;
I can only hold on for so long."

maybe it is true. maybe i really am the worst friend ever. maybe the good people see is all a front and positive results are merely a merciful by-product of my facade. maybe, just maybe, they don't need me and shouldn't want me. maybe we're all better off without me.

i need true connection. i'm surrounded by friends, yet i feel so alone.

can you hear me?
far across the chasm that seemingly separates us
i'm trying to call out.
i choke on the words.
do you still love me?
i know i don't deserve even a kind glance in my direction
but i'm hoping that what i think about you is true.
for a brief moment it was true to me.
it was truer than anything i'd ever known.
for a moment, i knew you loved me
and i wrestled over the truth that there was nothing i could do about it.
and i fought back.
like a child with my sign
presenting the God of the universe with all the reasons
why he shouldn't love me
i stood before you.
i stood.
but maybe that's the problem.
i stood where i should have bowed.
i allowed pride and arrogance to fill the space
that was intended for awe and gratitude.
we live in an age where we are told
"be real with God. don't fake it"
so i don't fake it but have i lost the reverence for the One who created me?
i feel so. far.
so far from you, so far from me.
so far removed from life.
is any of this real?
i don't know if it's a wall or if it's a cessation of life but
i can't feel my heart beating anymore.
no love, no compassion.
nothing to give or offer.
to weak to be leaned upon and to stiff to lean myself.
i can't feel my heart beating anymore.
i try to speak but translation is difficult.
how could it be possible to relay all of *this* to "them?"
no words, no sound. no communication.
how could i even tell them i'm going down?
tears flow more easily now. it's easier to cry when nothing else will come out.
they say you listen to the heart more than words.
if this is true, can you hear me?
the loneliness is growing now.
never in my adult years have i longed so much for companionship.
someone to love me, someone to love.
a hand to hold, a chest to cling to.
a friend who exceeds friendship.
bad decisions seem to be the marker of this time in my life.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!!
i don't think i could be more clear.
i am completely lost.
i feel like maybe i should be ok with that
but i'm not.
to be continued...

'Cause I promised myself I wouldn't fall, but here I've fallen. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. All I can do is cry to You, "Oh God You have to save me. You're my last and only hope. All my right answers fail me. I can't seem to make it on my own." -BarlowGirl

I wish I were smarter sometimes.

I am so confused. What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do?