5/23
It feels like my life is falling apart into shambles all around me. I feel such an absence of hope, so little reason to believe I will ever be happy. Everything and everyone that means anything to me is slowly drifting away and little by little I'm finding I have little for which to live. And yet, no reason to die. I don't want to die. I realize that's not the answer. It wouldn't be an escape but rather an expedited journey to judgement. I believe that wholeheartedly and so it acts as an invisible tether keeping me from going too far down the path of self destruction. But that doesn't change where I am now. Maybe it should. Maybe if I believe in the God who judges in death, it should color my belief in the same God who saves and restores in life. But, for some reason, all of what I know is really hard to see when I'm in this place. This place is dark and it feels empty and lonely. The truth sounds far off and echo-y while all kinds of lies start to permeate my thinking space. All day long my mind replays the things that feel wrong or sad or overwhelming.