If you're looking for love....

I've found myself in a bit of a slump lately. I've not been very diligent with my quiet times and scripture reading. I've been falling to temptation a lot too. Recently some debate has been coming up concerning the Faith. There's a guy in the group I help out with who used to believe like we do but is now questioning a lot of things and has, it seems, gone somewhat astray. Last week I was having a conversation with him, and, for some reason, it seemed to affect me more than something like that normally would. I felt weak and unable to shield myself properly against things that I know weren't true. I attribute it to my recent lack of grounding in Christ. I described it to someone as a fighter getting out of condition. They take more hits. It feels kind of like I've gotten out of spiritual conditioning, and it seems like it's affecting multiple facets of my life. Like I mentioned before, I've been struggling a lot with temptation and having a harder time making the right choice. I've also noticed a difference in my overall demeanor and emotional state. I've been feeling lonely. It's weird. I know I have people around me who care, but it still feels like I'm missing something. I miss human touch and affection and intimacy I guess. And it doesn't seem like there's anyone around to give me those things. And even when they do, it's still not quite what I'm looking for. I want to be taken care of. I miss that. I miss having people care about me and what's going on and being able to talk through life issues with someone. I know I have friends but 1) they don't seem particularly interested in that and 2) there are only a few who are actually good listeners and offer helpful feedback. That's not to be harsh; just honest. I miss being a part of the group and having a staff person. I felt more cared about then and I felt like I always had someone to talk to. I don't really feel like that anymore. I guess I'm not supposed to. I just sometimes wish I still had someone to pour into me. Is that selfish? I do, however, tend to think that a lot of this is a result of not spending quality alone time with Jesus. I think maybe I would feel cared for if I spent time with the One who cares the most. I'm flirting with those feelings again of feeling unloved. That's my temptation sometimes- to feel unloved even though I know it's not true. I guess I just don't have a lot of people responding to me right now in the ways that I tend to communicate love: physical touch and spending special time. I know that my friends love me in their own ways. I guess I just miss those other things too.

So I decided I was going to let it go....

I guess searching the net for the only online picture I know about doesn't really fit into that eh?

*Sigh* one day it will really all be over. One day.

Lots to think about...

I find myself recently seriously wanting change in my life. It's weird because I'm pretty sure that things are going to really change soon. I graduate officially in less than two months. Then, I'll have some serious decision making to do. But for now, I'm really craving more order. I'm so tired of my room being messy, of not having time or energy to do things that I need or want to do, and of having the exact same answer every single time someone asks me what's going on in my life. I think I want to cut back some hours at work especially starting next year. I really want to do it now, but I need money for a lot of the things I have coming up. That need for money is also driving me to want to find a better job. That way I could work less but still have enough money for the things I need/want to do. I want to move out. I wanted to do that this semester, but it didn't work out. My hope is that I can find a job that pays me well enough that I can have at least 2 full days off of work each week (7 days) but still be able to support myself living in my own place. So many decisions.... do I go back to China for a year? Do I stay here and start working on staff for this same ministry that I've been involved in? I have a heart for both. I have good reasons for both. I still don't know what to do. I just want to talk to a completely unbiased source. Someone who is in no way connected to either decision but who would understand and appreciate both options. *Sigh* so much on my mind today. I don't know what to do. Before I get to all of that though, the first thing I want to do is to move upstairs to my brother's old room. I'd be closer to my mother, which would bring its own set of stress. But I would also then be within the law. I have to do the right thing. My next dilemma with that- do I bring my computer upstairs with me or leave it in a public area? I get so distracted by the internet. I think I would get a lot more done if it weren't in my room. I have reading I want to do, plans to make (once a direction is set out), and lots and lots of time that I need to spend with God. I think my computer sometimes distracts me from things like that. I used to be so thoughtful, so introspective and reflective. I wrote and I read. Once I had internet access, I found that I didn't do those things so much anymore. I even saw that when I got back from China and we had a blackout. I spent the day pouring through a novel that I had determined I wanted to read. But the next day when the power was back on, I was back online chatting, listening to music, and doing all the things that so easily distract me. Things like this lead me to believe that perhaps all of our advancements in technology are not necessarily such a good thing. Sure they can be useful tools, but anything that distracts us from our focus in Christ needs to be cut out. If your right eye offends you, pluck it out; if your right hand offends you, cut it off. It's better to be in the kingdom of heaven without a hand or an eye than to be in hell having all our members. Obviously, this isn't a direct quote but the idea is there. I'd rather "miss out" on some luxuries in life and live better for Christ than to everything my freedom in Christ allows me to have and because of it be less effective for Him. I haven't really thought that through a lot, but those are some things floating around in my head. Right now, though, I have to run and finish getting ready for work. Later...

So, this isn't exactly the way I wanted to start off my new blog. It seems whenever I begin a new writing venue, one of the first things I talk about is my most recent "boy" trouble. I was hoping I'd grown out of that phase. I guess that's something we never really grow out of. Even once I'm married, I'll probably want to keep a journal about how much my husband annoys me when he doesn't take out the trash or fold his socks properly. Complaining seems to be second nature to us as human beings- perhaps even first nature. But sometimes it seems necessary for some "complaining" is merely an expression of our deepest and truest feelings. To not state them would be dishonest would it not? Should they be written off then as "complaining" simply because they seem negative? That doesn't seem fair to me.

My latest bit of "boy" trouble is quite different from what I'm used to. Usually, I'm either pining after someone who is not interested, torn because I don't know which boy to like (but never pursue), or musing over whether or not its even a good time for me to pursue a relationship at all. This time, however, I find myself at a three-way crossroads knowing which decision I need to make but determining it to be just a little too hard. Road #1: Let one go and hold on to the other even though I can almost be certain it's not going anywhere, Road #2: Let the second one go and hold on to the first thinking that maybe something will change in a few months and we can pick up where we left off, Road #3: Let them both go and walk solo into the unknown. I know that #3 is the healthy decision, but taking those first few steps is just kind of painful and a little bit scary.

It's also hard because making the wrong decision can hurt more than just me this time. What do you do when one of your best friends starts to like someone you've liked for three years? I'm pretty sure this guy is not interested in me as anything more than a friend and sister in Christ. And, granted, I did start talking to someone else at one point recently. But that was never very solid- evidenced by the fact that he starting seeing someone else about a month after he started talking to me. The fact is, I never fully let go of this first guy. I definitely had my doubts about the viability of anything that could happen between us though. We're very different. But I never actually gave it up. Then I leave for 5 weeks, come home, and my best friend now has feelings for him. It's so weird for me- especially since every time I talked about how I liked him to her, she'd get this really grossed out look then list off all the reasons why she could never feel that way about him always topping it off with "he's just my brother." I feel like it's no longer okay for me to have any interest in him as anything more than a friend- which doesn't seem fair since I was the one who was interested first. That means something right? Of course, I can't say much of this to her because regardless of how I feel, it's not fair for me to make him off limits to her...not to say that I have the power to do that anyway, but she's just that great of a friend that she honestly doesn't want to hurt me. If I just let it go and accept that it's never going to happen with this guy and me, it would free her up to do what she wants without worrying about me and it would free me up from cringing and feeling the need to leave the room whenever I see them talk to each other.

I think what I'm feeling is jealousy. Why does he seem interested in her but was never interested in me? Why is that she can connect with him on a meaningful level when I never could? I think underneath the jealousy is insecurity and underneath the insecurity lies low self-esteem. "Why not me?" what about "Why me? Why would he like me?" It's all these self-loathing thoughts that tell me I'm not worth it anyway. It's my lack of belief that any guy could find me attractive or interesting enough to want to get to know me. And each time one chooses not to, it reinforces that thought pattern. It's like pressing into an old wound that has never been properly tended. It hurts a lot and it makes a lot of icky stuff come out.

So here I am consuming large amounts of sugar trying to forget that all too familiar feeling of incurable loneliness. The problem is, though, that carbs don't make the sadness go away...they are pretty good, however, at adding numbers to the readout on my scale...but that's a whole other story...

I need to let go of this mindset that if I'm not in a relationship or at least moving towards one, that I'm destined to be alone forever. First of all, I serve an omnipresent God, so I am NEVER alone. Secondly, I am not defined by romantic relationships. I have tons of other relationships in my life, so I'm not alone in a physical sense either. Lastly, even if I don't see where romantic love is blooming, if God's plan is that I should marry, then I'm sure He's orchestrating that right now in ways that I can't even understand. I just have to trust Him- trust that He's there and trust that He's taking care of everything I need.

Now, if only I could transfer this head knowledge to my heart, maybe I wouldn't feel like crying right now.