I sometimes wish we didn't have so many memories together. So much makes me think of you :-(

i kinda just want to break and tear something apart. so much trapped inside. i dont know how to make it all come out but i feel like it needs to >_<

in my mind i keep waiting, counting how long it will be before i can talk to you again. i keep thinking to myself, "if i can just wait 2 months, then my whole months not days or weeks comment will be fulfilled, and we can talk again." but maybe the whole point here is that i shouldn't feel like i need to count down. maybe i'll only be ready to re-enter this friendship once my heart is in a place where i don't feel like i have to.

All I want to say is "I MISS YOU!!!" Because I do. I miss him so much. And seeing him today, I just wanted to talk to him again. To make the weirdness go away and just be close again :(

i miss you like crazy. i sure hope to heck i was right.

Beginning of the End?

-------------
I’m sorry that this has been so confusing. That certainly was not my intent. If you couldn’t tell, there’s a lot going on in my mind right now. I’m really thinking through things and trying to honestly evaluate my life.

Sorry if the last message I sent you was not clear enough. I know you asked me about it on Friday but I really just didn’t have a response for you. I wasn’t expecting the conversation and was a bit at a loss for words.

You asked me what I needed from you. What I really need is space. A lot of space. It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong or because I’m upset with you at all. I’ve been thinking about our friendship and I’ve realized that I’ve become somewhat emotionally dependent on you. This would have been true regardless of whether or not you started dating ___, but your relationship with her and our ensuing separation made it a lot more clear to me. I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve talked to ___, and I think the only way to fix it is for us to actually separate from each other. It’s kind of like re-breaking a bone in order to let it grow and heal properly. The “breaking” is the distance we put between ourselves. It’ll hurt like hell but it’ll be better for us both in the long run.

You said you would continue to pursue a friendship with me until I told you to back off. This is me telling you to back off. Not in a mean way, not because I’m mad at you or anything like that. Trust me when I say this is hard on me too. You can consider it a severance of sorts. At least for awhile. I don’t know how long it will need to be, but we should think months, not days or weeks.

What this looks like:

- We don’t hang out in person. Of course we can greet each other and all of that, but no meaningful conversations. No “How are you’s.”
- We don’t call each other.
- We don’t chat on IM

You’ll probably feel like I’m ignoring you sometimes, and I probably will be. But only for the sake of keeping that distance. I don’t enjoy this at all, but it’s what’s necessary for me right now and for the health of our friendship.

I love you, and I hope you understand this. And I really hope you’re not mad at me. I realize it sucks. Just remember, like I said before, this is hard for me too.

I wish you all the very best life has to offer and I mean that as literally as I know how.

-____________

(By the way, I think it's important that this starts now. You may have some questions about some of it, but I really think it's best if we don't have a back and forth discourse about it as I don't think that would help this cause very well. I'm sorry, thank you for understanding.)
-------

New boys are not band-aids. Must keep self in check.

More Than You'll Ever Know

Rarely do I come across a song that describes any situation completely accurately, but that's what I've found in this song. Every word of it I mean to him. For that reason, I sent it to him about a month ago. He was touched by it.  Now I listen remembering our relationship and realizing I can't say it to him anymore and my heart grows sad :-(

"Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's okay to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been near God
And that's the way it ought to be...

'Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah

You had faith, when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be...

You have carried me
You have taken upon a bruden that wasn't your own
And may the blessing return to you
A hundredfold, oh yeah...
A hundredfold, oh yeah..."

I really feel like I need to talk to someone. I'm so sad and there's so much going on. I don't feel like I can handle it all. So many emotions, thoughts, memories, mental connections, etc. Some of it directly to do with him, some of it not. It's overwhelming and really distracting. :( :( :(

I sent him a message today. It was such a hard thing to do. I feel like this makes it official, like it's all different from here on out. Preparing to press "Send" is about the closest I've come to crying in awhile.

---

So, I suppose I’d have to tell you this at some point regardless. I figure now is as good a time as any. You may have noticed a difference in my behavior towards you recently (knowing you, I’m sure you have). I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don’t want to risk hurting you unnecessarily (…Not to be presumptuous or anything. I’m just going off of how I’d feel in that situation).

There are actually a few different things at work here. We’ve talked a few times about the separation that would need to happen as you or I begin to date people. Being that our friendship is cross-gender, it’s just not appropriate for us to maintain the level of closeness we’ve had in the past. That time is here. I love ____. I can’t be the person in your life who makes her feel in anyway insecure in her relationship with you. I know, she’s a unique person and it seems many of the things others may experience, she’s kind of already past. But she’s still human and she’s still a girl. I can imagine how I would feel if the guy I was dating had a friendship with a girl that was as close as mine and yours. I can’t do that to her.

There’s also another layer to this. I’ve been evaluating my relationships recently and have realized that I’ve been depending on them too much for feelings personal fulfillment. This is something that I’m still thinking and praying through, but I need some distance in order to work through it.

So this is why I’ve been kind of distant lately and will continue to be at least for awhile. I hope you understand and that you’re not upset with me. You’ll always be special to me.

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
'Cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye

Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole 'in love' thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing

My mind is gone, I'm spinnin' 'round
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
I'm losin' grip, what's happenin'?
I strayed from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life

Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed?
'Cause it's hurtin' me to let it go
Maybe 'cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more

I shoulda never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Gotta figure out how you stole my heart

My mind is gone, I'm spinnin' 'round
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
I'm losin' grip, what's happenin'?
I strayed from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life

Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

How did I get here with you? I'll never know

I never meant to let it get so personal

And after all I tried to do to stay away from lovin' you

I'm broken hearted, I can't let you know

And I won't let it show, you won't see me cry

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life

Now I'm in this condition

And I've got all the symptoms

Of a girl with a broken heart

But no matter what you'll never see me cry

sucky= talking to someone when all you want to do is tell them you love them and miss them but knowing you can't say anything at all. pretending to be distant when you want to be close but remembering that someone else already has that place. watching someone you think you love become happy with someone who isn't you and realizing they're probably better together anyway. then feeling like shit afterward. i f-ing hate this :(

It feels good and comforting just to see his name. To know that he's there, even if I can't talk to him. I hate the thought of not being able to talk to him. I wrote a sort of letter to give him to explain to some extent what's going on. Explaining why I've been distant and why I'll continue to be without giving too much information. On one hand, I really want to let him know so that he won't feel like I'm just brushing him off. On the other hand, I dread sending it because I trust he'll respect my wishes and stop talking to me and I really don't want him to stop talking to me. It feels like the point of no return. Once I send that message, it seems things will be official and I really will have lost him :'(

My Exception

"When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist

But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing"

and now he contacts me. he says he misses me. it's exactly what i want to hear, but exactly what i know i don't need. and i have to brush him off. i didn't even tell him i missed him too. i showed no enthusiasm or concern for spending time with him. i know why, but he doesn't. i feel like a jerk. the last thing i want to do is hurt him. the thought of it makes me want to hide under a rock and just cry.

Wanting More

I have so much. I have things I never knew I could have and never knew I wanted. I have a family who loves me even though we're messy. I have the privilege of being introduced to Jesus at an early age. I have friends whom I love like family. I have all my needs met. I have a roof over my head, I have more food than I need, I have clothes that not only fit me but that I also like, I have a computer, a television, furniture to sit on, glasses to correct my vision...everything I need and most of what I want. Except him. Of all the things I do have, my heart sees and grieves this seemingly small thing that I don't.

It seems the trend lately has been that I just want him to want me. I'm consciously trying to avoid him on one hand, but on the other I want him to contact me. I want the security of knowing that he misses me or wants to be around me or is concerned about me. I think I got so much from him and our friendship. More than I realized. I love being loved by him and knowing that I'm someone special in his life. I find that I want to be special to pretty much everyone who's special to me. But why? I have to ask the question "Why?" What is it that I get from being special to people? What satisfaction or value? I feel like I require so much attention. But why? What am I lacking or feel like I'm lacking that's causing me to seek approval and value from all these people? It's like I'm crying out to the world or at least the people in my little world, "Love me!" But maybe I don't love me yet either. Maybe that's the problem. I'm finally starting to understand that God loves me (still don't know why but I'm giving up that question) but I never have concluded that other question, that one that always stops me in my tracks: "Do you love yourself?" I don't think I've ever successfully answered it. I think sometimes I forget it needs an answer. I hear it, think about, formulate some possible responses, then let it go. Maybe losing him will finally make me face the big question and deal with all the messy stuff below.

"I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
And I'm begging you to beg me"

"No, I don't cry on the outside anymore..."

"I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes"

a new season

with the change of season outside comes a seeming change in the seasons of my life. relationships that once seemed unshakable or as though they might last forever seem to be drying up and being blown away by crisp fall wind.

this feels like too much. it's weird. i don't know how to explain the feeling i have now. it's like this nervous energy mixed with stress and frustration and i feel like i'm going to break. i want to hit something, scream, yell, cry. i don't know. i don't understand this feeling. i don't know what to do with this.

heart broken for the first time and he doesn't even know... :'(

but i never told you what i should have said
no, i never told you; i just held it in
and now, i miss everything about you
can't believe that i still want you
after all the things we've been through
i miss everything about you
without you

I keep torturing myself with music. Not really torture. It's more like I can feel so much bottled inside me that I want to emote. Music helps me do that. I haven't really been able to find very many songs that express what I'm feeling and describe the situation well. I think the best was "Long, Long, Time" by Linda Ronstadt. I put the lyrics up on facebook and I'm surprised no one has made any comments. That's probably a good thing because I don't want to explain (or refuse to explain) what it's all about.

I almost want to write my own lyrics to express this. How did I do this to myself??

sad that i can't call him :(

when you focus on the right thing, it makes it easier to not focus on the rough things. need to draw closer to God now...

Stories

I never knew that it would feel like this When the two that raised you up and call it quits
Nobody told me 'bout the emptiness
When the place you call home is closed for business
I push the pain down, I gotta "get by"
Always knowin' in my heart that it ain't gonna fly
Rock bottom's never felt so near before
And if pain is God's megaphone it's loud and clear

So hold me now Father, human love ain't enough
I've failed and been failed by the people I love
But your faithful arms they surround me
And any other soul who has to sail those seas
Of a broken family

We've been down to the bottom
Stories we got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
To let the lost know that someone cares

Cause we've been down to the bottom
Stories we've got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
And let somebody know that the Most High cares

Been so many times that I've been close to rock bottom
Tryin' to look for answers but nobody's got'em
Like the time my mother looked me in the eye
Tryin' not to cry, tellin' me the cancer might cause her to die
How can this be? I thought that God loved me
So why would he try to take my mother from me?
And as I cry myself to sleep at night, holding on my pillow tight
He spoke to me and said that everything gonna be alright
So I tried to fight all the pain that it caused
Try to move on and I try to stay strong

So put your hands up, if y'all are feelin' me
And put your hands up, for everyone to see
So put your hands up, we all a family
So put your hands up, in unity, in unity

...

I've been there too
When everything falls apart and the best you can do is
Get through each day wonderin' will this never end?
Is it always gonna be this way?
And the greatest lie you've ever been told is that
You're the only one to ever walk on this road
And that you'll never see the light of dawn, so we came together to say
Hold on


Cause we've been there and found our way home
I promise you that you're not on your own
One day this will pass, God will see us all through
God will see us all through, God will see us all pass through

-Superchic[k] and TobyMac

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I can't even begin to express how thankful I am. I don't think I could han- ...I don't even want to think about it. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

It feels like there is so much unexpressed emotion welled up inside of me that I can literally physically feel it. I don't even know what it is. I can tell it's time for my period. I've been a little off-center lately. I don't even know how to release it all or even what it is.

i was wrong, i've got another week! this makes me surprisingly happy!! :-D

Forgiveness and Old Wounds

Hm, kind of a lot to think about.

Yesterday was the formal end of my intentional 30 days of media fasting and instead spending time with God. Although, towards the end there, I sort of started falling off the wagon. But I've got to be make sure I keep going. My life of faith got so much stronger. I observed things in myself that I'd tried to hide. Like the fear. I can see so much fear in me sometimes, and I really don't know where it comes from. I feel like that's something I need to address.

Also, yesterday, I was thinking about this whole idea of forgiveness. I've finally started to understand what it means to forgive and how it's just a choice you make. It's basically saying that the person no longer owes you the cost of what they've done. It's choosing to forget. That's what God has done for us and what we're commanded to do for each other. I've started to learn to do this with friends and smaller situations like arguments and such. But when I think about deeper and longer-standing cuts, like with my dad, it's a lot harder. To say to him, whether verbally or not, that he no longer owes me the cost of what he's done- it almost seems like it's not possible. That's a problem because it wasn't set out as a suggestion or a choice. We were told to forgive- I think so that we can be forgiven. I have to forgive him, but it feels so hard. I guess this is one of those points where I just have to acknowledge my inability and ask God to change my heart. I can feel that there are still a lot of unspoken emotions wrapped up in it all. When I start to think about it, I can feel them ebbing at the surface of my heart. So much that I want to express but don't know how. So much pain. I don't think I could do it alone anyway. I feel like I would need someone to hold my hand through it. So many tears I have yet to cry. When will the floodgates finally open?

Bored and lonely. I shouldn't be, but that's kind of how I feel. I recognize this. I feel lonely because I don't want to be alone most likely because I'm having trouble sorting out my thoughts. Being with people would be a distraction- which I'd probably enjoy but don't really need.

I kind of feel like I wish I could fast forward to Sunday. I don't see tomorrow being very exciting either. What I'm supposed to be doing is drawing near to God in times like this. But I just feel so messy right now. I don't really know how or maybe I should say, I don't really feel like I can or if I'm really honest, don't really know if I want to right now. That's bad. I'm sorry Lord.

I need...focus. And persistence. And determination maybe? I don't know. I want to be distracted right now. Or at least have someone to talk to about everything. But, on these subjects, my resources are kind of limited. *Sigh* :-/

I can't judge anyone with addictions. I shouldn't judge anyone at all. But I do find it particularly difficult to judge those who struggle with addictions. I see that behavior so much in my own life. I try and free myself (still haven't learned to give up and just let God handle it), but when things get rough, those are the things I run to. Everything I try and avoid on a normal basis. It's kind of frustrating, but it's like familiar ground to me. It really makes me want to study and understand more so what addictions really are. They have a special kind of hold on the person they influence. It's like comfort. That can't be ok.

Trying to remember that He still loves me even when everything doesn't feel great. The true test will be to see how faith holds up and what role it plays in the rough times. Do I trust Him to get me through the hard stuff?

I feel surprisingly sad. I'm generally not very good at understanding my emotions right away. I'm trying to understand what exactly I feel and why. I think it's not what I initially thought. I think this is getting at a deeper issue. One that I've held hidden even from me for some time now. Maybe. Like I said, I don't fully understand my emotions. I know there's part of me that wants to cry, but I don't fully understand why. I think I've also just felt more emotional lately in general. I've felt like I really needed to be touched and loved. I've dreamed of being held and comforted and stroked. My heart feels uneasy and a little restless I guess. But I don't know why. I have that feeling of wanting to be cared for and have been trying to figure out where I can get it from.

Sometimes I think I give off the impression that I'm not a person who needs tender care and affection. I don't do it on purpose. But sometimes I look at my behavior and think, "Well, I guess I'm not making it clear." But it's crazy because, in actuality, I'm exactly the opposite of that. I need lots of love and affection. I long to held and loved just as much as the next person.

It was interesting last night. I was talking to a friend and our conversation took an interesting turn. I was asking her about a situation that was bothering me with one of my friends. The situation is kind of sad for me. She usually gives me pretty good advice about these things, and I generally follow it. All of a sudden, though, she surprised me by saying some very affirming things that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. It was just really nice. It lifted my heart and my spirits a lot, especially coming from her. I thank God for it. I kind of see it as Him affirming and expressing His love for me through her. I really needed that I think.

"i love you  and it's always fun  i really enjoy you ....

  ...for you

  i feel totally free to be myself around you

  like completely a dork

  and idiot

  and it's wonderful :)

  but i can also go really deep with you

  you have a special quality about you :)"  I asked God for an expression of love yesterday morning. Maybe this was His way of responding :-)

He is JEALOUS for me.

So that feeling I get when I see someone I love ignoring me to be with someone else, that's the same feeling He has for me?

Wow.

rollercoaster

It's been an interesting day. Started off bad, then got a little better. Then was AWFUL. Felt like a total failure. Hated myself for a bit. Made some very dramatic internal resolutions. Day got a little better. Then it was amazing. And in the light of not feeling so awful about myself and my decisions, I'm questioning the need for the dramatic-ness of my internal resolutions. But just because things got a little better doesn't mean that I still dont need those steps. Hard decisions. But I think I might need it. But I wonder if this is the right time.

I'm so glad my friends are home :)

Hold On

Hold On by TobyMac

Wake up to the morning light
Wipe away the lonely nights
Let a brand new day wash over you
Wanna see you smile again
Show some love to your crazy friends
Wipe your tears away, those days are through
If you move just a little bit closer
You can put your head on my shoulder
Yeah, yeah

So baby hold on
Just another day or two
I can see the clouds are moving faster now
And the sun is breaking through
If you could hold on
To the One that’s holding you
There is nothing that can stop this crazy love
From breaking through, we’re breaking through

Wake up to the rising sun
Thank the Lord for the things He’s done
Lift your eyes to the hope that’s ever true
Wanna see you smiling girl
You’re a light in this jaded world
Wipe away those tears
This one’s for you

And the stars are up there shining for you
Oh, how the Father does adore you
His love will never change
And you and I, we were born to follow
The hope that will lead us to tomorrow
And no one can take it away

Stirring Something Deep Within

Come Children by Christafari

Was there a time that you could cry,
and never try your tears to hide?
Was there a place where you could go
,where secrets live and feelings show?
For as we grow and childhood fades
we build our walls we complicate
while somewhere deep inside cries that lonely child

Well come God's children say God wants you to come,
come let us rest in our Fathers arms.
Well come God's children say God wants you to come
because God's love, I say it will never end (is eternal).

Did you ever fall asleep in your Fathers arms
...come, come, come, come children
,so calm a heart so full and free from harm?
...come, come, come, come children,
Come now once again we return again to that quiet place
...come, come, come, come children, ".
Set free just to live again in His sweet embrace
...come, come, come, come children,".
So many on their quests for peace
a shelter where their hearts can rest
still held by chains built up from pain,
could never trust enough to love again
so let Jah [See Psalm 68:4] love come enter in
and in time you will begin
to find and to love as the child deep with in your soul.

Looking for a Rabbit Hole

(Written last night but published this morning)

On the suggestion of a friend, tonight I researched the condition known as co-dependency. Even having been a psych major, I didn't realize it was an actual condition. So I looked it up and don't recall ever having read about a mental issue and had it describe me and my life so accurately....I freakin hate how messed up my family has made me.

From Mental Health America:

Factsheet: Co-dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

• An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
• The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
• The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

All of the above.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them (yup). As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs (sounds like me). They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves (oh look there I am again). They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited (bingo!)
Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity. (hmm....sounds familiar)
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need (story of my life. what a train wreck). A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” (embarrassing but true) When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships (whoa, there's a mouthful. but yeah, it's true).

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments? Sometimes
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you? Constantly
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem? Yes
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you? No
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own? About me, yes
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home? Sometimes
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends? Probably would. I feel it with friends.
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be? Sometimes
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others? Sometimes
10. Have you ever felt inadequate? Frequently
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake? Often
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts? Yes
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake? n/a
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts? Yes
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done? Yes
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss? No
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life? Who I am, no. Where I'm going, yes.
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help? Yes
19. Do you have trouble asking for help? Yes when it's for me personally
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them? Yes
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
____________

When I first read this and responded to my friend, I felt overwhelmed and very sad. I really just wanted to cry and was tempted to just neglect all my relationships having the thought that I needed to protect them from myself

Letting Go

I'm not very good at letting things go, but I've been wondering lately if it's time for some practice. How long do you hold on to something that's obviously not working. Do you keep holding on hoping that things will get better, that someone will change? Or do you acknowledge what's what and just move on? I've been thinking about this lately. I think part of my personality type is given to walking away from people and things as new ones come along. So I want to be sure it's not that coming into play. But I look at the situation(s) and wonder if it's really any use. Maybe certain things or relationships just aren't meant to be, even if you don't hate each other.
The other thought, is how long do you hope in/for a person. I suppose the answer is "never." I think the Bible says something about "putting no confidence in the flesh." I don't know if it's referring to that or not, but either way, I guess we're not supposed to hope in people but rather in God and just love people. And if you ask how long you're supposed to love a person, I think the answer is "always."

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

 But then I have to ask the question what does it look like to love? Can't I love a person from afar? The truth is, I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of hoping, waiting, wishing, wanting, wondering and then being disappointed when things don't work. Maybe it's just time to go. 

I think I've finally figured out what's wrong with me. I miss my Father, God. Wow, how my spirit longs for Him. I can feel it now. Unlike any feeling I can recall. I can't even really describe it.

Longing

I want to be somebody's everything. I wonder if this is natural and healthy or selfish and wrong. Or maybe it's both natural and wrong. I've been observing my relationships recently and noticing how jealous I feel when I notice another person becoming close to someone I like (whether as a romantic interest, friend, or someone I look up to). I think I feel like my relationship with them is either threatened or somehow less special. I worry they like this other person more than they like me and that they're more important to them than I am. Irrational, of course, but real nonetheless.
I sometimes think about where this kind of mindset comes from. Wherever it comes from, I believe it's been magnified by my own sense of selfishness. I want to be important, but that's not my calling. I think there's probably a reason why I predisposed to struggle in this area though. I think that's the way it is with most of our sins. Our life circumstances create brokenness and holes that we respond to either healthily or sinfully.
For me, I think it's been in part my family situation. I don't have a strong relationship with either of my parents and I find myself sometimes trying to replace that. I think there's also the issue of trying to fill a God-shaped hole with other things and people.  I'm looking for deep, unconditional, "you're my favorite" kind of love. God offers it, but I don't really know how to accept it from Him. It seems much easier to get it from people, except they're imperfect and usually fail me.

Random(ish): I really wish I were a better person.

Pure

Staying pure is SO difficult. i used to think i was the only one who struggled, but i've learned differently over the past few years. in fact, i think most people do. i kind of just assume it. i generally put people into one of 4 categories: 1) those who really struggle with it, 2) those who deal with it and see nothing wrong with it 3) those who are sexually repressed and don't really know to struggle with it yet, and 4) that very, very rare few who are aware of and comfortable with their sexuality but just aren't tempted in that area as much. that's a very very small group. although i know this, it's still really hard. i want to beat this. i want nothing to control my life. but man does it suck.

fyi, i'm not just making stuff up. since i actually started talking about it with people, i've come across very very few girls who don't or haven't struggled with it to some degree. for the one or two who haven't said it or alluded to it, their total aversion to the topic suggests to me that they're a little repressed in that area.

Accountability is a blessing from God.

i'm deciding i want to be more forthcoming about this whole thing. when i realized i wasn't alone, that's when i felt free to find accountability. that relationship has been an incredible blessing in both our lives. i think a lot of other people, particularly girls, could use that freedom. i think a lot of girls still think they're the only ones that struggle with purity of mind and body. it eats you alive because you feel guilty because you know deep down it's wrong but you also feel way to ashamed to talk to anyone because you think you're the only one. so it just consumes you. i lived that way for a long time until finally i told my best friend one night after having said that there was still something she didn't know about me. that idea was upsetting to her so i spilled. i freaked out. i cried and hyperventilated- each occurring separately of the other. the reaction was so deep because i was sharing something for the first time that had consumed my life for about 13 or 14 years. i was buried under shame and guilt. and conviction because i did know it was wrong. i knew it was wrong from the time i was a very small child (maybe 6 years old?) and it had followed me all that time.

the next time i shared, i was leading a girls discussion/book study group for the Christian student org i was about to become president of at my university. i decided we needed to take a break from our normal  book study and to instead listen to a message about being real and removing our masks. so i took a leap figuring that as the president of my chapter i couldn't in good conscience ask them to do anything i wasn't willing to do. so i shared. a lot. everything actually. i shared all of the "big 3" aspects of my personal story that i had determined several years prior that i would never tell people. the walls came down. and as i shared, more girls opened up. it was here that an accountability relationship on the topic of purity was birthed between me and another friend. it was the first time i can remember hearing anyone admit to struggling in this area outside of my other friend who'd attributed it to different causes.

now more and more, i hear the topic being brought up. i've even heard it addressed by speakers at ours and other gatherings. i've talked about it with girls from more recent girls' groups. and little by little, freedom is being won. so i've decided that i have to be honest, both for my sake and for the sakes of the girls who'll continue to struggle in silence until they know that they're not alone.

I AM SO PROUD OF HIM!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!! I'll explain more later....

1st panic attack in months. what's wrong with me??? :( :(

Kind of a Rough Day :-/

I am not happy with this day so far. I feel like I've failed in so many areas. And instead of being smart enough to get up and make some changes, I've just walked around with the heaviness on my heart all day. I feel like I want something to change. I feel guilty about some decisions I've made but I'm too afraid to/can't fix them.

I guess I should happy that sin doesn't sit well with me. I suppose it's a sign of God in me. But it sure feels miserable. I just need to fix this. But there's other sin that's not fixable and I just have to deal with it. I hate that.

I feel so overwhelmed and confused about life today. I think I entered shutdown mode some time this morning or afternoon which would potentially explain part of how this day has gone. I've done nothing. Nothing productive at least. I finished putting my bookshelf together and organized it. It feels good to look at it and see it finished. But there were other things I should have been doing in that time. But I couldn't/wouldn't bring myself to do them. I didn't understand why. But the whole shutdown thing does make sense. I do that sometimes, and it's awful. Then I look back and realize that I've only made things worse, and made a bigger mess. *sigh* I need to stop worrying so much. I never really thought I was a worrier before, but I recognize it more now. I get so scared and nervous sometimes. I need love perfected in me because perfect love casts out fear.  I need that.

I kind of want to just quit; just do something else. But I've recognized before my aversion to commitment and I'll never grow if I quit on everything that challenges me. But I also have to consider the other side. Is it worth it for the other party? I'm not sure.

I'm thankful for this job, but sometimes I don't like it. Or at least I don't feel like it's for me. But if it's not, then what am I supposed to be doing. Did I miss something? Or am I in the process of missing something right  now? I feel so blind sometimes.

*sigh* So much to think about, or maybe to stop thinking about.

Technical Difficulties

So I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to use this blog site. I just went through and realized that the posts I thought I'd accidentally deleted before being able to publish them were actually saved. So I just published 4 "new" posts that were actually written awhile ago. If you're interested, the dates are July 15th (both), July 6th, and June 8th.

Filling Spaces

I sent this message tonight to the woman I've referred to here before, and I almost cried. It was after we facebook chatted about relationships and boundaries. I think maybe God is beginning some more healing in me.

Hey ******,

I know you were needing to go so I wouldn't have had time to type this out in our conversation. I just wanted to say again thanks for talking and for being so open and honest with me. It really does mean a lot to me. I don't have the kind of relationship with my mom where we can talk about these sorts of things, for a lot of reasons. And I really feel that void in my life. And although you're not quite mother age to me (14 years...), I still take your advice kind of like that of a mom. And when I listen to you share with me from your perspective it fills a space in me that I sometimes forget is empty. So thank you :)

This was actually posted last night, but something got messed up and it ended up posting out of order. So I'm just reposting it now to put it in the right order.

Her response to my slightly panicked request for advice on a boy situation:

"well, its not life threatening.. how about you not freak out and talk to me tonight?"

hahaha, I love her

the blessing of having friends who are just a little older than you :)


"Her"= The director of my trip to China last year. She works for the organization I'm thinking about working for.

The "big day" is finally here. Well, it doesn't really feel like it's here quite yet since we still haven't been to bed. They're lying down, but I wanted to type a little first. Part of me is really worried. The other part isn't so much. I keep thinking, what if this is it? What if something happens? I can't bear the thought. I'm really going to miss her. Hopefully a month isn't as long as it seems.

oh to be a girl :)

wanna know how big of a dork i am?

i got my phone back this evening and now i'm just anticipating how i'm going to send him this message. what will i say? even briefly considered typing it out and just waiting to send it, lol. this is silly. especially since i'm not even planning to ask him "out" or anything. just if he'd like to hang out sometimes since we live closer now. what a dork, haha

Coming Out of the Shell

I've been noticing something interesting in myself lately. Most of my life, I've been really quiet and kind of shy. Later in high school I came out of the shyness a lot, but was still pretty quiet. In college, it would seem I was neither. But lately, I've been noticing my behavior around people I really like (whether admiration or crush or whatever) and it reminds me of when I was younger. There's a woman at my church that I've really started to look up and want to ask her to have lunch and maybe even to be my mentor, but I get so nervous about it. Like when I see her online, I'll want to chat, but then I think "What if she thinks I'm bothering her," or "She's probably really busy and won't want to talk." And that fear will actually paralyze me a little and stop me from saying anything- like now. But I really like her and look up to her. The way I see her follows a trend I've noticed since high school and identified since early to mid college. I'm drawn to women I see as strong or authoritative or women in power. I think it has to do with mother issues. I never had the kind of relationship with my mother that I wanted. She was a great mother physically and even spiritually, but I spent a lot of time as a kid emotionally mothering her. I never really felt like I had a strong mom I could just lean on and find comfort from. So when I see these women of power, I'm drawn to them and want to absorb their motherly wisdom and affection (that sounds really weird). I've seen it so far in my relationships with my high school choir director, both of my staff workers, my bosses at work, my old pastor's wife, and now this woman at church. It's not even always conscious. I just start noticing that I want to be around them more and want them to approve of me.
It's so weird. I don't want to become that shy little girl again. One on one conversation is where I "shine" the most. I'm pretty personable in that way. But in group settings with people I don't know very well, I'm pretty quiet and don't really know how to interact that well.
Interesting how personality traits from before college start to peek back out after college. Guess it goes to show certain things may go dormant, but real change isn't very easily accomplished.
So now, I'm trying to figure out what to do. I really look up to this woman and would really like to get to know her better. It would just take some risk on my part. Guess I don't want to risk getting rejected or getting a response that feels like rejection. It would make me sad and I would probably feel awkward around her. Maybe that's part of what I'm afraid of: damaging the relationship we have now.
Then there's the boy. The way I've felt about him has been so off and on, it's just been confusing. One year I like him, the next not so much, then I do, then I don't and so on. This time, I've pretty much decided I'm just going to ask him to hang out (as friends) so we can just get to know each other better. I wouldn't put it quite like that. We're good enough friends that I think I can ask him to hang out and it not be weird. I just want to see, see if there's anything there. The thought of it, though, is both exciting and scary. And I'm frustrated that I don't have my phone available so I can't really do it yet. So I've made this decision and am now just sitting on all this anticipation until I can do it. ahhh!

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Kingdom's cause"

I am not satisfied. I will not be satisfied. Not here, not with this.

Today in church, the youth spoke about their experience at their triennial conference called LIFE. It brought back memories for me of my experiences at my own triennial missions conference called Urbana. It does my heart well to see these young people learning and gradually moving to take a stand in Jesus' name against the injustices of the world. During the presentation, we learned a bit about the circumstances of the poor in the world, particularly those in Africa and specifically Burkina Faso. We saw the size of an average house which I would estimate to be about 3ft by 6ft. We saw what 5 gallons of water looked like as this 42 pound load is what people, often children, will walk 3-5 miles to acquire on a daily basis. We passed around a bottle of dark, muddy-looking water and learned that it was similar to what nearby water sources would provide. We learned (get this) that a baby born there has a better chance at survival when breastfed by an HIV positive mother than if they drink the water in the area. We also learned that every 5 seconds a child in Africa dies from starvation. And my heart broke. All around I listened to the snapping, each fifth time counting that another child had died, and my heart broke. It broke to learn that 1/3 of the children in Africa don't make it to age 10. Then I learned about us, and my heartbreak turned to disgust.
The average American uses about 100 gallons of water each day while much of the world's poor uses about 2. The amount of money it would cost to ensure clean drinking water for the world is about half of what Americans spend on ice cream alone. Something is wrong.
Listening to all these facts and statistics brings something to a boil inside of me that I can't quite explain. I just want to go. I don't want to live this extravagant American lifestyle. It's comfortable. Too comfortable. I don't want to be like the people of Sodom and Gomorrah. Many believe it was destroyed because of sexual immorality. While that was part of it, the Bible explains more: "Look, this was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: She and her daughter had pride, fullness of food, and abundance of idleness; neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. And they were haughty and committed abomination before Me; therefore I took them away as I saw fit." (NKJV) or as the Message puts it"The sin of your sister Sodom was this: She lived with her daughters in the lap of luxury—proud, gluttonous, and lazy. They ignored the oppressed and the poor. They put on airs and lived obscene lives. And you know what happened: I did away with them." Ezekiel 16:49-50. Sound familiar? I think it's safe to say that God is not pleased with this country. We have ignored the poor, even walked in luxury on their backs. (Don't believe me? Who do you think made your ipod?)
I've said it before, I've felt it before, but today I was reminded again. I don't want to be associated with this culture- this extravagant, self-absorbed, unconcerned, ungrateful culture. It used to be that I wanted to travel the world to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. That is still true. But I'm finding more now that I want to leave to avoid getting absorbed into this way of life. I don't want to get to the point where I think this is normal or that I somehow deserve this lifestyle. I don't want to be shaken or feel afraid when certain luxuries begin to fall and then pray for them to be restored. I don't want to get comfortable. I've been there before and don't want to go back.
I want to travel! There are those who would say that there are plenty of poor here in the US, that there are plenty of people to minister to here. I agree, there are plenty. But I can't deny that passion that awakens in me when I see glimpses of the globe or that inexplicable part of my heart that breaks when I learn of its injustices. I think maybe God wired me this way, to love the world. Not in the way we are warned against in the Bible, but in a way that makes me filled with compassion. I cannot deny the passion that lies within. I need to remember though, I don't have to go overseas in order to make a difference. That is a desire I hold in my heart. There are many prayers to pray, dollars to raise, people to educate, packages to send, and letters to write while I'm waiting. I'm waiting for opportunity and trying to move toward preparedness. I want to organize my life in a way that prevents my going from becoming an irresponsible decision. I want to be in it for the "long haul" whatever that may mean for my life.
I've been to China and would love to go back. I really do feel like I left a small part of my heart there. Right now, where I feel the biggest draw is Africa for so many reasons. There is the obvious- poverty takes on a different meaning in the conditions of some countries there. But there is also that which I desire to learn. I hear of many great spiritual testimonies coming from that continent. I would like to experience my relationship with God in a setting without all of these distractions, many of which are intended to increase our experience of God, as if he needs our help. I want to worship with people who are truly grateful for things that matter like food, clean water, shelter, and life itself. I think the church in developed nations like ours has much to learn from our brothers and sisters in nations that are still developing. This is part of why I want to go. I want to save myself from this culture and learn what it's like to live like most of the world.
We are exhorted time and again throughout the Bible to care for the poor, widows, and orphans. God cares so we should too. Our faith is not one of strictly invisible truths but rather one to be marked by compassion demonstrated by action on behalf of those who cannot act for themselves. This is not to say that we all need to go out and start volunteering and pretending to care. True concern for the things of God is developed through our relationship with Him. If we find that we are callous to that which breaks His heart, we need to pray for Him to transform us and to give us eyes that we might see the brokenness of the world. It all starts on the spiritual level. Everything does. So my prayer for myself and for my brothers and sisters in Christ, especially those here in the US and especially those whom I know is this: that we would be filled with the love and compassion of Christ who gave His very life that we could live, who had everything and denied it all for our sakes, and who now calls us to love in the way we have been loved not so we can save the world (as that is outside both our ability and responsibility) but rather that the world, through us, might know His love.

wow, this is really hard. we'll see how it goes.

when i die, i want people to remember what i did, not what potential i had.

"And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?"

How can we respond to God with anything but praise and total worship.

It's interesting to me to watch people in a worship service. Sometimes I look around and wonder, "How is everyone standing so still right now?" In my heart, I want to jump and dance and move wildly about the room, but fear of how that would be received restrains me. I wish it didn't.

But I do wonder, how is it possible to sing these things about the awesome power of the living God, about His amazing love and grace, about the way He's SAVED us, and not be moved Him? Do we not hear the things we're saying? Where is the passion in our praise? Or have we not yet learned what it means to truly worship? Worship, as I understand it, is a state of being. We live worship, not sing it. Music is an expression. To worship means that we recognize the object of our worship as being so high above us and us as being completely and totally dependent. To worship God is to humble ourselves, to submit to Him, to recognize Him as being so high above us. There should be some sort of fiery passion on the inside. We should not be able to stand or sit, half-engaged, mumbling words from a screen. Even raising our hands and singing more loudly, is not an adequate response in my opinion. We're talking about a God who is perfect and holy and owes us NOTHING who decided to give us EVERYTHING while we were in the process of disobeying and hating Him (Romans 5:8). How can we respond with anything but an overflow of love and gratefulness? How can cries of thankfulness not spring forth with every action, every song, and every word? I think we don't understand.

I was in church Sunday and watched the people around me. I remarked to myself how dry it seemed. Some would say it's a cultural thing. But honestly, I don't really think that has a lot to do with it because there are some things that supersede culture. Like when someone you love tragically dies, we all cry the same. When our favorite team wins the championship, we all cheer the same. There are some things that are just human. I believe that if we truly understood what God has done for us, it wouldn't matter what culture or background we were from, passion and gratefulness would erupt from our hearts in a way that we can't control and wouldn't really want to.

Sometimes I believe I'm called to minister to the body of Christ. That seems to be where my passion lies- in mobilizing and encouraging the church to live as the Church. I see the ways we fall short and it really grates on me. I believe that God is GOD. That He is all powerful and that there is absolutely NOTHING to difficult for Him. That being said, I have to ask myself why the American church looks so shabby, why we don't see a lot of miracles or even a lot of visible activity on the spiritual level. I believe we've gotten away from some fundamentals. It seems we've become so overun with wealth and material goods, that it becomes harder to see our need for God and easier to stop relying on Him which I think draws our attention away from Him and limits our effectiveness in the world as we stop immersing ourselves in the Father. Sometimes I feel like I want to just leave the American church and go and be a Christian somewhere else in the world where life is not so easy and where I'd really have to learn to depend on Him. Sometimes I feel like that's what I want- to put myself in a situation where I don't have the comforts and ease of home but instead have to rely on God for everything. I already do, it's just harder to see when it feels like everything is in front of me.
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On a completely different note, it's been an interesting few weeks, filled with freedom, bondage, pain, conflict, joy, sadness, and more. It's come after spending a couple of months feeling really depressed and losing a positive outlook on life. It was so bad after awhile that it seemed I never felt good. Even when I was happy, I wasn't really happy. I recognized it as a happy face with a lot of pain and other ugliness on the inside. But God is faithful and He showed me some perspective a few weeks back. It's really helped a lot as it seems since then I've been on this upward trend of gaining wisdom and undestanding, of feeling close to my Father again, etc.

How long is it supposed to hurt?
How long will pictures of what could have been and thoughts of what was reveal and stir such deep deep pain?
How long will "going there" produce a fake smile that tries to hide the intensity of the cut?
How long?
How long should I wait before I decide it's okay, that all is forgiven?
How long will I continue to dole out blame?
How long will I harbor anger for broken trust?
How long will I fear becoming just like you?
How long will I question everything you ever say to me?
How many nights will I spend wishing it were easier for me to cry?

How long should I wait
before I decide that it's "okay"
that you've taken away
what was everything to me?
How long before the pain subsides
or at least starts coming in lesser tides
How long

"Well, I'm right here and you're right there and God knows we've got to start somewhere. 'Cause I'm messed up and you're broken and those shots we fired are still smokin'. If I need you and you need me, how could you turn your back and just leave me?"

I find myself really longing for male companionship recently. I wonder what area I'm lacking that's making that void seem deeper than normal.

Happy "Father's" Day

Man, who'd have thought buying greeting cards could be such an emotionally stirring experience. I feel like this is going to be a long day...

Love Lost

"The danger in loving is the endpoint of that love."

That's a quote from an entry I made several weeks ago. I was writing about losing people you care about to tragedy. Now, as I repost, I'm asking myself if that's accurate. Is there an endpoint to love? Even when the ones you love disappoint you, walk away, or even die, do you not continue to love them? Maybe it's better to say that the danger in loving is the intensity and duration with which it is returned. If I love someone and they die, I may continue to love them, but they're no longer there to receive or return it. If I love someone who leaves me, the same is true. The difference is the hope that someday the situation will change. After a person dies, this hope dies with them. But as long as they are alive, hope remains.

Sometimes it seems more expedient to not love a person. You can then, in many ways, avoid the pain of losing love which I think may often be worse than the pain of never having loved at all.

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Maybe I should stop asking God to take away the things that keep me from depending on Him completely. He really seems to listen to those prayers. But no, that's crazy talk. If it's not from Him, I don't want it. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like heck though.

it seems advantageous for me to avoid at most costs any circumstance of being alone for too long. my mind and heart are not my friends.

The Story of My Life

"Only Thing" by Ronnie Freeman

I heard someone say the other day
They'd seen in me true love displayed
Blessed by something I had done for them
No sooner had they said these words
I found myself somehow disturbed
Uneasy as I took their compliment
Cause I know the heart inside this man
I know the truth of who I am...

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I've lived long enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

If you could walk the hallways of my heart
And see things as they really are
I wonder if you might be surprised
Seeing faded walls of pride and fear
Rooms I've filled with faithless tears
And corners where I've stood in compromise
But you'd see the work His grace has done
You'd know just how far I've come

In a thousand years
When the dust of this world clears
And I look back on my life
And see in perfect light

The only thing that's good in me is You Lord
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

I just want it all to go away. I fear I've made a mess of so much. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to be anymore. But that can't be right. Sometimes I have fleeting thoughts wanting bad things to happen to me, thinking that it doesn't matter anymore anyway. But that can't be right either. But there's this darkness, this hole that I find myself in. And the stresses of life make it just that much heavier. I've never gone this far down before. At least not that I recall.
I laughed tonight. I've started realizing how much time goes by without laughing. It feels nice to laugh.
Everything on me just feels so stressful right now. I feel like I can't handle it. Yesterday at work I was starting think I was gonna have a small breakdown. But I didn't. I did go to the breakroom though to stop and breathe. I feel like my emotions have been flying kind of out of control. I'm sure approaching and being on my period hasn't helped at all. But still, it's so big I don't even really feel like I can identify how I feel. And I get so exhausted and drained. I think it's emotional tiredness. Pardon the analogy, but I think maybe it's kind of like sex. There's all this build up til you hit a climax then you just can't take anymore and you fall asleep. Except this build up isn't pleasurable at all. It's actually quite miserable.

a work in progress...to be continued

In-Side Out

The words I say are laced with anger.
The ones I don't are flowing with love.
The face I make is full of frustration.
The one I don't breaks with compassion.
The tears I cry come from confusion and sadness
The ones I don't have no reason at all...

"You say you're falling apart
Reached the end of the line
Just looking for your place in an oridnary life
No one calls you friend
No one even knows your name
You just want to feel loved instead of all the pain

You no longer have to say
No one's listening anyway

Come here and cry on my shoulder
I'll hold you 'til it's over
I'll rescue you tonight
Let My arms be your shelter
Your hiding place forever
I'll love you more than life

You're wearing a frown
Given up on hope
My heart is reaching out
More then you will ever know
Is your burden too much?
Is it more then you can bear?
I'll help carry the load if you're willing to share

You have had some hard times
Had thorns placed in your side
I know about what you've been going through
tears of pain are falling down
It hurts so bad you're crying out
Your problems won't last forever
Let Me put you back together"
-Overflow

My adaption:

Lord, can I cry on Your shoulder,
Will You hold me til it's over?
Come rescue me tonight
Let Your arms be my shelter
My hiding place forever
I'll love You more than life

I'm so confused. And stressed. I almost just want to drop it all and just leave. Everything. Maybe bring a friend and just go. I feel so overwhelmed with life.

Left alone

Three of my closest friends are gone for the summer. Others are occupied with family crises, while yet another lives far, far, far away. I'm going to need God to stretch and grow me this summer, otherwise I'm in for a very, very lonely couple of months :'(

Random Thoughts...

So this is a post I'm titling before I start writing. I wonder if that says anything special.

While walking home tonight, I entertained the idea that community experiences like tonight are like drugs to me. I take it in, get high, then come home and fall back into reality. Then I determined that Satan trying to trick me into thinking my positive mood tonight was due to something other than encountering God during praise and worship tonight.

Also while walking home tonight, I looked up and saw the stars. The sky, especially the night sky reminds me that the God I serve is a very very big God.

I'm sad that my friends are leaving for the summer. I've never had so many leave at once while I'm still at home. I'm a little anxious to see how this is going to turn out.

Recently I've felt like I'm living life under a blanket of darkness. Even things that are happy aren't as happy because they're clouded by the knowledge that my secret life is filled with despair and even depression sometimes. It feels like I've lost part of me. I don't know when it started, but everything seems to have lost a portion of joy. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've felt myself struggling with fear a lot lately. I've gotten afraid that someone is going to attack me or that I'll get hit by a car or that someone I love is going to get injured or die.

I've never considered myself much of a worrier but with my friends, it's different. Like when my one friend told me about a health occurrence and how he'd supposedly had a heart attack or something (but not really?) and I seriously started crying in the middle of Wal-Mart. This was last year just before I left for China.

The above paragraph was attached to the one before but I decided they were separate thoughts because worrying about a friend with "heart problems" isn't quite the same as irrational fear about dying.

Success is achieved when we identify the right thing and get as close to it as we can.

I started warming up to this guy, maybe liking him a little? I'm kinda worried I'm going to realize he was really just checking in as a friend and nothing more. I feel like this always happens to me. It seems no guy is ever interested. The one who was, changed his mind like three weeks later. I often wonder why guys don't seem to be interested in me. I don't even think I'm completely ugly anymore.

I sometimes wish people knew my heart. Really, my intentions are almost always good. I have my moments- moments of pride, insecurity, jealousy, etc. But in general, I'm trying to do the right thing. I don't want to be a jerk, but sometimes I think I come across that way.

I'm so afraid of becoming like my parents. My dad's an a-hole and my mom is sick. I really really really don't want to be like them. I worry sometimes because I don't think I'm much different from how they were at my age.

I wrote this at 3 o'clock this morning, but fell asleep before completing or posting it, so here it is. Unfinished.