I AM SO PROUD OF HIM!!!! PRAISE GOD!!!!! I'll explain more later....

1st panic attack in months. what's wrong with me??? :( :(

Kind of a Rough Day :-/

I am not happy with this day so far. I feel like I've failed in so many areas. And instead of being smart enough to get up and make some changes, I've just walked around with the heaviness on my heart all day. I feel like I want something to change. I feel guilty about some decisions I've made but I'm too afraid to/can't fix them.

I guess I should happy that sin doesn't sit well with me. I suppose it's a sign of God in me. But it sure feels miserable. I just need to fix this. But there's other sin that's not fixable and I just have to deal with it. I hate that.

I feel so overwhelmed and confused about life today. I think I entered shutdown mode some time this morning or afternoon which would potentially explain part of how this day has gone. I've done nothing. Nothing productive at least. I finished putting my bookshelf together and organized it. It feels good to look at it and see it finished. But there were other things I should have been doing in that time. But I couldn't/wouldn't bring myself to do them. I didn't understand why. But the whole shutdown thing does make sense. I do that sometimes, and it's awful. Then I look back and realize that I've only made things worse, and made a bigger mess. *sigh* I need to stop worrying so much. I never really thought I was a worrier before, but I recognize it more now. I get so scared and nervous sometimes. I need love perfected in me because perfect love casts out fear.  I need that.

I kind of want to just quit; just do something else. But I've recognized before my aversion to commitment and I'll never grow if I quit on everything that challenges me. But I also have to consider the other side. Is it worth it for the other party? I'm not sure.

I'm thankful for this job, but sometimes I don't like it. Or at least I don't feel like it's for me. But if it's not, then what am I supposed to be doing. Did I miss something? Or am I in the process of missing something right  now? I feel so blind sometimes.

*sigh* So much to think about, or maybe to stop thinking about.

Technical Difficulties

So I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to use this blog site. I just went through and realized that the posts I thought I'd accidentally deleted before being able to publish them were actually saved. So I just published 4 "new" posts that were actually written awhile ago. If you're interested, the dates are July 15th (both), July 6th, and June 8th.

Filling Spaces

I sent this message tonight to the woman I've referred to here before, and I almost cried. It was after we facebook chatted about relationships and boundaries. I think maybe God is beginning some more healing in me.

Hey ******,

I know you were needing to go so I wouldn't have had time to type this out in our conversation. I just wanted to say again thanks for talking and for being so open and honest with me. It really does mean a lot to me. I don't have the kind of relationship with my mom where we can talk about these sorts of things, for a lot of reasons. And I really feel that void in my life. And although you're not quite mother age to me (14 years...), I still take your advice kind of like that of a mom. And when I listen to you share with me from your perspective it fills a space in me that I sometimes forget is empty. So thank you :)

This was actually posted last night, but something got messed up and it ended up posting out of order. So I'm just reposting it now to put it in the right order.

Her response to my slightly panicked request for advice on a boy situation:

"well, its not life threatening.. how about you not freak out and talk to me tonight?"

hahaha, I love her

the blessing of having friends who are just a little older than you :)


"Her"= The director of my trip to China last year. She works for the organization I'm thinking about working for.

The "big day" is finally here. Well, it doesn't really feel like it's here quite yet since we still haven't been to bed. They're lying down, but I wanted to type a little first. Part of me is really worried. The other part isn't so much. I keep thinking, what if this is it? What if something happens? I can't bear the thought. I'm really going to miss her. Hopefully a month isn't as long as it seems.

oh to be a girl :)

wanna know how big of a dork i am?

i got my phone back this evening and now i'm just anticipating how i'm going to send him this message. what will i say? even briefly considered typing it out and just waiting to send it, lol. this is silly. especially since i'm not even planning to ask him "out" or anything. just if he'd like to hang out sometimes since we live closer now. what a dork, haha

Coming Out of the Shell

I've been noticing something interesting in myself lately. Most of my life, I've been really quiet and kind of shy. Later in high school I came out of the shyness a lot, but was still pretty quiet. In college, it would seem I was neither. But lately, I've been noticing my behavior around people I really like (whether admiration or crush or whatever) and it reminds me of when I was younger. There's a woman at my church that I've really started to look up and want to ask her to have lunch and maybe even to be my mentor, but I get so nervous about it. Like when I see her online, I'll want to chat, but then I think "What if she thinks I'm bothering her," or "She's probably really busy and won't want to talk." And that fear will actually paralyze me a little and stop me from saying anything- like now. But I really like her and look up to her. The way I see her follows a trend I've noticed since high school and identified since early to mid college. I'm drawn to women I see as strong or authoritative or women in power. I think it has to do with mother issues. I never had the kind of relationship with my mother that I wanted. She was a great mother physically and even spiritually, but I spent a lot of time as a kid emotionally mothering her. I never really felt like I had a strong mom I could just lean on and find comfort from. So when I see these women of power, I'm drawn to them and want to absorb their motherly wisdom and affection (that sounds really weird). I've seen it so far in my relationships with my high school choir director, both of my staff workers, my bosses at work, my old pastor's wife, and now this woman at church. It's not even always conscious. I just start noticing that I want to be around them more and want them to approve of me.
It's so weird. I don't want to become that shy little girl again. One on one conversation is where I "shine" the most. I'm pretty personable in that way. But in group settings with people I don't know very well, I'm pretty quiet and don't really know how to interact that well.
Interesting how personality traits from before college start to peek back out after college. Guess it goes to show certain things may go dormant, but real change isn't very easily accomplished.
So now, I'm trying to figure out what to do. I really look up to this woman and would really like to get to know her better. It would just take some risk on my part. Guess I don't want to risk getting rejected or getting a response that feels like rejection. It would make me sad and I would probably feel awkward around her. Maybe that's part of what I'm afraid of: damaging the relationship we have now.
Then there's the boy. The way I've felt about him has been so off and on, it's just been confusing. One year I like him, the next not so much, then I do, then I don't and so on. This time, I've pretty much decided I'm just going to ask him to hang out (as friends) so we can just get to know each other better. I wouldn't put it quite like that. We're good enough friends that I think I can ask him to hang out and it not be weird. I just want to see, see if there's anything there. The thought of it, though, is both exciting and scary. And I'm frustrated that I don't have my phone available so I can't really do it yet. So I've made this decision and am now just sitting on all this anticipation until I can do it. ahhh!

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Kingdom's cause"

I am not satisfied. I will not be satisfied. Not here, not with this.

Today in church, the youth spoke about their experience at their triennial conference called LIFE. It brought back memories for me of my experiences at my own triennial missions conference called Urbana. It does my heart well to see these young people learning and gradually moving to take a stand in Jesus' name against the injustices of the world. During the presentation, we learned a bit about the circumstances of the poor in the world, particularly those in Africa and specifically Burkina Faso. We saw the size of an average house which I would estimate to be about 3ft by 6ft. We saw what 5 gallons of water looked like as this 42 pound load is what people, often children, will walk 3-5 miles to acquire on a daily basis. We passed around a bottle of dark, muddy-looking water and learned that it was similar to what nearby water sources would provide. We learned (get this) that a baby born there has a better chance at survival when breastfed by an HIV positive mother than if they drink the water in the area. We also learned that every 5 seconds a child in Africa dies from starvation. And my heart broke. All around I listened to the snapping, each fifth time counting that another child had died, and my heart broke. It broke to learn that 1/3 of the children in Africa don't make it to age 10. Then I learned about us, and my heartbreak turned to disgust.
The average American uses about 100 gallons of water each day while much of the world's poor uses about 2. The amount of money it would cost to ensure clean drinking water for the world is about half of what Americans spend on ice cream alone. Something is wrong.
Listening to all these facts and statistics brings something to a boil inside of me that I can't quite explain. I just want to go. I don't want to live this extravagant American lifestyle. It's comfortable. Too comfortable. I don't want to be like the people of Sodom and Gomorrah. Many believe it was destroyed because of sexual immorality. While that was part of it, the Bible explains more: "Look, this was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: She and her daughter had pride, fullness of food, and abundance of idleness; neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. And they were haughty and committed abomination before Me; therefore I took them away as I saw fit." (NKJV) or as the Message puts it"The sin of your sister Sodom was this: She lived with her daughters in the lap of luxury—proud, gluttonous, and lazy. They ignored the oppressed and the poor. They put on airs and lived obscene lives. And you know what happened: I did away with them." Ezekiel 16:49-50. Sound familiar? I think it's safe to say that God is not pleased with this country. We have ignored the poor, even walked in luxury on their backs. (Don't believe me? Who do you think made your ipod?)
I've said it before, I've felt it before, but today I was reminded again. I don't want to be associated with this culture- this extravagant, self-absorbed, unconcerned, ungrateful culture. It used to be that I wanted to travel the world to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. That is still true. But I'm finding more now that I want to leave to avoid getting absorbed into this way of life. I don't want to get to the point where I think this is normal or that I somehow deserve this lifestyle. I don't want to be shaken or feel afraid when certain luxuries begin to fall and then pray for them to be restored. I don't want to get comfortable. I've been there before and don't want to go back.
I want to travel! There are those who would say that there are plenty of poor here in the US, that there are plenty of people to minister to here. I agree, there are plenty. But I can't deny that passion that awakens in me when I see glimpses of the globe or that inexplicable part of my heart that breaks when I learn of its injustices. I think maybe God wired me this way, to love the world. Not in the way we are warned against in the Bible, but in a way that makes me filled with compassion. I cannot deny the passion that lies within. I need to remember though, I don't have to go overseas in order to make a difference. That is a desire I hold in my heart. There are many prayers to pray, dollars to raise, people to educate, packages to send, and letters to write while I'm waiting. I'm waiting for opportunity and trying to move toward preparedness. I want to organize my life in a way that prevents my going from becoming an irresponsible decision. I want to be in it for the "long haul" whatever that may mean for my life.
I've been to China and would love to go back. I really do feel like I left a small part of my heart there. Right now, where I feel the biggest draw is Africa for so many reasons. There is the obvious- poverty takes on a different meaning in the conditions of some countries there. But there is also that which I desire to learn. I hear of many great spiritual testimonies coming from that continent. I would like to experience my relationship with God in a setting without all of these distractions, many of which are intended to increase our experience of God, as if he needs our help. I want to worship with people who are truly grateful for things that matter like food, clean water, shelter, and life itself. I think the church in developed nations like ours has much to learn from our brothers and sisters in nations that are still developing. This is part of why I want to go. I want to save myself from this culture and learn what it's like to live like most of the world.
We are exhorted time and again throughout the Bible to care for the poor, widows, and orphans. God cares so we should too. Our faith is not one of strictly invisible truths but rather one to be marked by compassion demonstrated by action on behalf of those who cannot act for themselves. This is not to say that we all need to go out and start volunteering and pretending to care. True concern for the things of God is developed through our relationship with Him. If we find that we are callous to that which breaks His heart, we need to pray for Him to transform us and to give us eyes that we might see the brokenness of the world. It all starts on the spiritual level. Everything does. So my prayer for myself and for my brothers and sisters in Christ, especially those here in the US and especially those whom I know is this: that we would be filled with the love and compassion of Christ who gave His very life that we could live, who had everything and denied it all for our sakes, and who now calls us to love in the way we have been loved not so we can save the world (as that is outside both our ability and responsibility) but rather that the world, through us, might know His love.

wow, this is really hard. we'll see how it goes.

when i die, i want people to remember what i did, not what potential i had.

"And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?"

How can we respond to God with anything but praise and total worship.

It's interesting to me to watch people in a worship service. Sometimes I look around and wonder, "How is everyone standing so still right now?" In my heart, I want to jump and dance and move wildly about the room, but fear of how that would be received restrains me. I wish it didn't.

But I do wonder, how is it possible to sing these things about the awesome power of the living God, about His amazing love and grace, about the way He's SAVED us, and not be moved Him? Do we not hear the things we're saying? Where is the passion in our praise? Or have we not yet learned what it means to truly worship? Worship, as I understand it, is a state of being. We live worship, not sing it. Music is an expression. To worship means that we recognize the object of our worship as being so high above us and us as being completely and totally dependent. To worship God is to humble ourselves, to submit to Him, to recognize Him as being so high above us. There should be some sort of fiery passion on the inside. We should not be able to stand or sit, half-engaged, mumbling words from a screen. Even raising our hands and singing more loudly, is not an adequate response in my opinion. We're talking about a God who is perfect and holy and owes us NOTHING who decided to give us EVERYTHING while we were in the process of disobeying and hating Him (Romans 5:8). How can we respond with anything but an overflow of love and gratefulness? How can cries of thankfulness not spring forth with every action, every song, and every word? I think we don't understand.

I was in church Sunday and watched the people around me. I remarked to myself how dry it seemed. Some would say it's a cultural thing. But honestly, I don't really think that has a lot to do with it because there are some things that supersede culture. Like when someone you love tragically dies, we all cry the same. When our favorite team wins the championship, we all cheer the same. There are some things that are just human. I believe that if we truly understood what God has done for us, it wouldn't matter what culture or background we were from, passion and gratefulness would erupt from our hearts in a way that we can't control and wouldn't really want to.

Sometimes I believe I'm called to minister to the body of Christ. That seems to be where my passion lies- in mobilizing and encouraging the church to live as the Church. I see the ways we fall short and it really grates on me. I believe that God is GOD. That He is all powerful and that there is absolutely NOTHING to difficult for Him. That being said, I have to ask myself why the American church looks so shabby, why we don't see a lot of miracles or even a lot of visible activity on the spiritual level. I believe we've gotten away from some fundamentals. It seems we've become so overun with wealth and material goods, that it becomes harder to see our need for God and easier to stop relying on Him which I think draws our attention away from Him and limits our effectiveness in the world as we stop immersing ourselves in the Father. Sometimes I feel like I want to just leave the American church and go and be a Christian somewhere else in the world where life is not so easy and where I'd really have to learn to depend on Him. Sometimes I feel like that's what I want- to put myself in a situation where I don't have the comforts and ease of home but instead have to rely on God for everything. I already do, it's just harder to see when it feels like everything is in front of me.
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On a completely different note, it's been an interesting few weeks, filled with freedom, bondage, pain, conflict, joy, sadness, and more. It's come after spending a couple of months feeling really depressed and losing a positive outlook on life. It was so bad after awhile that it seemed I never felt good. Even when I was happy, I wasn't really happy. I recognized it as a happy face with a lot of pain and other ugliness on the inside. But God is faithful and He showed me some perspective a few weeks back. It's really helped a lot as it seems since then I've been on this upward trend of gaining wisdom and undestanding, of feeling close to my Father again, etc.

How long is it supposed to hurt?
How long will pictures of what could have been and thoughts of what was reveal and stir such deep deep pain?
How long will "going there" produce a fake smile that tries to hide the intensity of the cut?
How long?
How long should I wait before I decide it's okay, that all is forgiven?
How long will I continue to dole out blame?
How long will I harbor anger for broken trust?
How long will I fear becoming just like you?
How long will I question everything you ever say to me?
How many nights will I spend wishing it were easier for me to cry?

How long should I wait
before I decide that it's "okay"
that you've taken away
what was everything to me?
How long before the pain subsides
or at least starts coming in lesser tides
How long

"Well, I'm right here and you're right there and God knows we've got to start somewhere. 'Cause I'm messed up and you're broken and those shots we fired are still smokin'. If I need you and you need me, how could you turn your back and just leave me?"