Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...

My heart is heavy tonight. I'm thinking about the events that transpired now almost 4 months ago when I lost one friendship and worked really hard to save another. I'm thinking about the pain and disappointment that led up to that point and about the process that followed. I'm thinking of how my heart ached then and remarking at how little that ache has subsided over these few months. I'm also thinking of how she hurts and how this situation really isn't behind us yet. Basically, I'm thinking of heartbreak.

I'm wondering if and when these wounds will finally heal. I'm wondering if that process has begun at all for him. I'm wondering if he still thinks of us- still thinks of me- or if I've faded into the background of his very full life. I wonder, I hope, I wish. I wish it could all just go away, somehow miraculously cure itself. I almost wish we'd never met- not because I don't value his friendship, but because it's hard for me to believe that we're all better off having been left with this much pain.

This post is somewhat a response to an encouragement to write tonight. I thought about it. If I did, I wasn't planning to write about this. I was planning to write about my latest spiritual wrestlings and what God may or may not be teaching me. I was planning to process "aloud" and try to find some clarity. But then, the conversation shifted and, for the first time in months, we talked about this. We revisited the heartbreak and I felt the pain almost as poignantly as I did months ago. Her face a window to her heart, I looked and knew she was feeling it too. Pondering over it tonight and reviewing those last couple of weeks, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had something to write about.

I guess it is getting better. I don't cry about it anymore. But every time I think of it, my heart cringes and it feels like someone is twisting some invisible knife inside me. It still brings up feelings of inadequacy and other things I'll choose not to mention. It makes me sad, but it doesn't completely shut me down. It used to shut me down. For the two months or so leading up to the final decision, the pain was pretty much all I could think about. In the weeks and first couple of months following, I tried not to think about it much at all. But lately I've been revisiting the situation as if immersing myself in the feelings again will somehow help the healing process. I don't know, maybe it will. In a strange way, it feels good to go there again- the same way it feels good to clean a wound or remove a splinter. Not pleasant, but good. I think I never really processed the emotion following the final decision; I was so focused on wanting to move on in my friendship with her. But it never went away, and I'm reminded of what's been left unprocessed every time I feel that knife twist. I think the "good" I feel is me finally letting myself express emotion about this whole thing. For so long, I felt like I wasn't supposed to do that.

I do hope eventually to write about everything else that's going on- all the stuff I was planning to write about before the last part of that conversation happened. However, this is what was heaviest on my heart tonight, so this is what I shared. I just hope it doesn't continue to take center stage because no matter how it feels, it's not the most important part of my life. There's only One who can heal this and all other wounds. He's the One I really need.

I miss writing. I miss being me. It seems like everything I think and say recently is a lyric from a song. I feel like I'm losing myself. I'm becoming engrossed with the work that I do to make a living and I feel like I'm losing the work that I do because I care about it. I think maybe I had identified myself by it, but now I feel like it's not really mine anymore. I guess it never was.

As my false identities continue to be taken away, I'm faced once again with that timeless question: Who am I?

"And now, I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
After all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you"

"Here in town you can see he's been down for awhile
But my [gosh] it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him.
Maybe I'll just sing about it."

Jump without jumping

I have no clue what that means. But that's what he told me I should ask God to help me do. And every time I start trying to make sense of it, he stops me and tells me not to apply "world" rules to God. I don't think I've ever been challenged to think quite so far outside the box about God. But it's not unbiblical or heretical what he's telling me. It's just different. It's as if he truly knows God and doesn't really understand how some people might not. It's beautiful.

We talked tonight for about three and a half hours. That was not intentional. I made cookies for him and his roommate and took them over to their apartment. He invited me inside. At first I declined 1) because I legitimately need to be up in the morning for my interview and 2) because I didn't want him to think that I was wanting to come up and talk for awhile. We talked for a minute with me standing outside before I decided to step into the lobby. After I stepped in, he said "Yeah, you should come up." So I considered myself officially genuinely invited and decided to come up. But I told him, "Don't let me stay long. I have an interview tomorrow." I guess neither of us was paying attention to that request.

We talked and talked and talked and talked some more. He's broken. That much I can see. He's about as insecure as I am as it concerns people. And he overthinks and is maybe a little too sensitive. In the first part of our conversation, I was thinking maybe he wouldn't be a very good match for me. Brokenness is only attractive to a certain extent. I enjoy taking care of people, but I don't want to need to fix them. I'd rather let God take care of that. However, the conversation shifted to matters of faith and I probably felt more attracted to him than I ever had before.

We talked about what it means to know God. To him, it all comes down to love. You love God and trust Him. "Keep it simple," he says. "Don't think too much." He tells me to just jump and trust God no matter what the outcome is. Maybe He'll give me wings, maybe I'll crash, maybe He'll give me extra strength in my legs or arms. Just trust Him. He tells me I can hear God speak but that I just need to pay attention. He tells me to be driven by the Holy Spirit. He says if I don't understand, then just to ask God. We talked a lot about Jesus' command to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. This part of the conversation started with him asking me what was my gift. I told him in uncertain terms that I think maybe connecting with people and "knowing things." The part about knowing things is what really sparked it. I wasn't confident that that's what it was, but he challenged me and  said it was and that I knew it was. Let go. Trust. These were the major themes of this part of the conversation.

He also ruined the word "interesting" for me :p

I'm still not behaving like I really think he'll be gone in a couple of months :(                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

I don't know him extraordinarily well. I just know that it's really easy to talk to him and that we connect so well. We have common views on uncommon ideas, and I've never known anyone quite like him before. In him I see lots of opportunity to love and finally the possibility of receiving that love in return. But I don't know him extraordinarily well. And he's leaving in eight weeks. Is it pathetic that I can already feel my heart starting to drop? :(

Is two months long enough to fall in love?