sucky= talking to someone when all you want to do is tell them you love them and miss them but knowing you can't say anything at all. pretending to be distant when you want to be close but remembering that someone else already has that place. watching someone you think you love become happy with someone who isn't you and realizing they're probably better together anyway. then feeling like shit afterward. i f-ing hate this :(

It feels good and comforting just to see his name. To know that he's there, even if I can't talk to him. I hate the thought of not being able to talk to him. I wrote a sort of letter to give him to explain to some extent what's going on. Explaining why I've been distant and why I'll continue to be without giving too much information. On one hand, I really want to let him know so that he won't feel like I'm just brushing him off. On the other hand, I dread sending it because I trust he'll respect my wishes and stop talking to me and I really don't want him to stop talking to me. It feels like the point of no return. Once I send that message, it seems things will be official and I really will have lost him :'(

My Exception

"When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist

But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, and I'm on my way to believing"

and now he contacts me. he says he misses me. it's exactly what i want to hear, but exactly what i know i don't need. and i have to brush him off. i didn't even tell him i missed him too. i showed no enthusiasm or concern for spending time with him. i know why, but he doesn't. i feel like a jerk. the last thing i want to do is hurt him. the thought of it makes me want to hide under a rock and just cry.

Wanting More

I have so much. I have things I never knew I could have and never knew I wanted. I have a family who loves me even though we're messy. I have the privilege of being introduced to Jesus at an early age. I have friends whom I love like family. I have all my needs met. I have a roof over my head, I have more food than I need, I have clothes that not only fit me but that I also like, I have a computer, a television, furniture to sit on, glasses to correct my vision...everything I need and most of what I want. Except him. Of all the things I do have, my heart sees and grieves this seemingly small thing that I don't.

It seems the trend lately has been that I just want him to want me. I'm consciously trying to avoid him on one hand, but on the other I want him to contact me. I want the security of knowing that he misses me or wants to be around me or is concerned about me. I think I got so much from him and our friendship. More than I realized. I love being loved by him and knowing that I'm someone special in his life. I find that I want to be special to pretty much everyone who's special to me. But why? I have to ask the question "Why?" What is it that I get from being special to people? What satisfaction or value? I feel like I require so much attention. But why? What am I lacking or feel like I'm lacking that's causing me to seek approval and value from all these people? It's like I'm crying out to the world or at least the people in my little world, "Love me!" But maybe I don't love me yet either. Maybe that's the problem. I'm finally starting to understand that God loves me (still don't know why but I'm giving up that question) but I never have concluded that other question, that one that always stops me in my tracks: "Do you love yourself?" I don't think I've ever successfully answered it. I think sometimes I forget it needs an answer. I hear it, think about, formulate some possible responses, then let it go. Maybe losing him will finally make me face the big question and deal with all the messy stuff below.

"I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
And I'm begging you to beg me"

"No, I don't cry on the outside anymore..."

"I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes"

a new season

with the change of season outside comes a seeming change in the seasons of my life. relationships that once seemed unshakable or as though they might last forever seem to be drying up and being blown away by crisp fall wind.