Friday, July 30, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Kind of a Rough Day :-/
I am not happy with this day so far. I feel like I've failed in so many areas. And instead of being smart enough to get up and make some changes, I've just walked around with the heaviness on my heart all day. I feel like I want something to change. I feel guilty about some decisions I've made but I'm too afraid to/can't fix them.
I guess I should happy that sin doesn't sit well with me. I suppose it's a sign of God in me. But it sure feels miserable. I just need to fix this. But there's other sin that's not fixable and I just have to deal with it. I hate that.
I feel so overwhelmed and confused about life today. I think I entered shutdown mode some time this morning or afternoon which would potentially explain part of how this day has gone. I've done nothing. Nothing productive at least. I finished putting my bookshelf together and organized it. It feels good to look at it and see it finished. But there were other things I should have been doing in that time. But I couldn't/wouldn't bring myself to do them. I didn't understand why. But the whole shutdown thing does make sense. I do that sometimes, and it's awful. Then I look back and realize that I've only made things worse, and made a bigger mess. *sigh* I need to stop worrying so much. I never really thought I was a worrier before, but I recognize it more now. I get so scared and nervous sometimes. I need love perfected in me because perfect love casts out fear. I need that.
I kind of want to just quit; just do something else. But I've recognized before my aversion to commitment and I'll never grow if I quit on everything that challenges me. But I also have to consider the other side. Is it worth it for the other party? I'm not sure.
I'm thankful for this job, but sometimes I don't like it. Or at least I don't feel like it's for me. But if it's not, then what am I supposed to be doing. Did I miss something? Or am I in the process of missing something right now? I feel so blind sometimes.
*sigh* So much to think about, or maybe to stop thinking about.
I guess I should happy that sin doesn't sit well with me. I suppose it's a sign of God in me. But it sure feels miserable. I just need to fix this. But there's other sin that's not fixable and I just have to deal with it. I hate that.
I feel so overwhelmed and confused about life today. I think I entered shutdown mode some time this morning or afternoon which would potentially explain part of how this day has gone. I've done nothing. Nothing productive at least. I finished putting my bookshelf together and organized it. It feels good to look at it and see it finished. But there were other things I should have been doing in that time. But I couldn't/wouldn't bring myself to do them. I didn't understand why. But the whole shutdown thing does make sense. I do that sometimes, and it's awful. Then I look back and realize that I've only made things worse, and made a bigger mess. *sigh* I need to stop worrying so much. I never really thought I was a worrier before, but I recognize it more now. I get so scared and nervous sometimes. I need love perfected in me because perfect love casts out fear. I need that.
I kind of want to just quit; just do something else. But I've recognized before my aversion to commitment and I'll never grow if I quit on everything that challenges me. But I also have to consider the other side. Is it worth it for the other party? I'm not sure.
I'm thankful for this job, but sometimes I don't like it. Or at least I don't feel like it's for me. But if it's not, then what am I supposed to be doing. Did I miss something? Or am I in the process of missing something right now? I feel so blind sometimes.
*sigh* So much to think about, or maybe to stop thinking about.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Technical Difficulties
So I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to use this blog site. I just went through and realized that the posts I thought I'd accidentally deleted before being able to publish them were actually saved. So I just published 4 "new" posts that were actually written awhile ago. If you're interested, the dates are July 15th (both), July 6th, and June 8th.
Filling Spaces
I sent this message tonight to the woman I've referred to here before, and I almost cried. It was after we facebook chatted about relationships and boundaries. I think maybe God is beginning some more healing in me.
Hey ******,
I know you were needing to go so I wouldn't have had time to type this out in our conversation. I just wanted to say again thanks for talking and for being so open and honest with me. It really does mean a lot to me. I don't have the kind of relationship with my mom where we can talk about these sorts of things, for a lot of reasons. And I really feel that void in my life. And although you're not quite mother age to me (14 years...), I still take your advice kind of like that of a mom. And when I listen to you share with me from your perspective it fills a space in me that I sometimes forget is empty. So thank you :)
This was actually posted last night, but something got messed up and it ended up posting out of order. So I'm just reposting it now to put it in the right order.
Hey ******,
I know you were needing to go so I wouldn't have had time to type this out in our conversation. I just wanted to say again thanks for talking and for being so open and honest with me. It really does mean a lot to me. I don't have the kind of relationship with my mom where we can talk about these sorts of things, for a lot of reasons. And I really feel that void in my life. And although you're not quite mother age to me (14 years...), I still take your advice kind of like that of a mom. And when I listen to you share with me from your perspective it fills a space in me that I sometimes forget is empty. So thank you :)
This was actually posted last night, but something got messed up and it ended up posting out of order. So I'm just reposting it now to put it in the right order.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Her response to my slightly panicked request for advice on a boy situation:
"well, its not life threatening.. how about you not freak out and talk to me tonight?"
hahaha, I love her
the blessing of having friends who are just a little older than you :)
"Her"= The director of my trip to China last year. She works for the organization I'm thinking about working for.
"well, its not life threatening.. how about you not freak out and talk to me tonight?"
hahaha, I love her
the blessing of having friends who are just a little older than you :)
"Her"= The director of my trip to China last year. She works for the organization I'm thinking about working for.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The "big day" is finally here. Well, it doesn't really feel like it's here quite yet since we still haven't been to bed. They're lying down, but I wanted to type a little first. Part of me is really worried. The other part isn't so much. I keep thinking, what if this is it? What if something happens? I can't bear the thought. I'm really going to miss her. Hopefully a month isn't as long as it seems.
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