I am not okay.

Don't buy the smile
It's on sale half price
Defective, but it's hard to tell unless you look closely.
You'll notice the edges are a bit frayed
Worn from days, months, years of emotional agony.
I am not okay.

I'm starting to remember, this isn't just a recent thing. I was depressed for much, if not all, of high school. Granted, there were also crazy things going on with my family during that time. But I remember not caring about school. I remember my GPA dropping from a 3.8 to a 2.7 in one cardmarking period. I remember not caring to listen in class and just feeling sad all the time. I remember coming home looking at my books and deciding "no" then turning on the TV to drown out my thoughts because I couldn't handle thinking. I also remember wishing I didn't exist but never going so far as to think about suicide determining that if I existed, God must have had a reason.

Maybe it's time I redefined my story. Maybe there's more going on than I thought.

I can't remember if I've actually written about here or not, but if not, what I'm referring to is my emotional state over the past month or so and off and on before that. I've been "down," feeling overwhelmed by life, unmotivated, fearful, angry, sad, etc. I've had times that I've stay in my bed for most of the day just because there was nothing else that I particularly wanted to do or felt i could do. I would be online, but that was about it. If I got bored or overwhelmed, I'd sleep. My excitement was people being online to chat. What I'm realizing is that this isn't new for me. Being in a different stage of life allows me to express in a way that I never have before. But much of the feeling I think is the same. Interesting.

i feel like i'll lose control. the effects of all the recent stuff with my family go deeper than i first realized. i knew i was hurt by it. but for awhile there i thought it didn't hurt anymore. thought i wasn't angry anymore. i try to ignore it. sometimes i feel like it shouldn't bother me anymore. like i should be over it. other times i feel like i am over it. then i have times like today where i'm so desperate not to be alone and i know it's because i'm trying to avoid something. i wouldn't even really let myself entertain the thought that the two issues (family stuff and not wanting to be alone) had anything to do with one another. but within five minutes of talking to one friend, the connection came up and i could feel myself wanting to cry. why??? why does it affect me like this? it's one of those things that i honestly don't understand. i don't understand how i feel. just that i feel hurt and angry and betrayed. but ask me why i feel those ways? i couldn't tell you anything specific. just the story of what happened. i talked to another friend who'd experienced a similar family situation to see what it was like for her, what her relationship was with her dad now, etc. she understood completely. it's so nice to be understood sometimes. she hugged me with a pretty good understanding of why i needed it right then. and we prayed for each other because both our situations are still active. that whole conversation/exchange was very cathartic. so much so that i was starting to think i was doing ok. that was wednesday. but here i am at the weekend still staggering emotionally when it's brought up. i'm not ok. it's like a wound. what i discovered that day cut me pretty deeply. so deep i sometimes don't even realize it's there. but if i press on it, it hurts. it hurts.

I thought I was past this. Not completely past it but I thought I was past the point where family issues would be such a big thing for me. Why??? ugh....I feel like my family is falling apart all over again. I think I should just have faith and trust that God will work everything out. I just can't stand to see her crying. She said she doesn't want him to come over for her birthday tomorrow and that she means it. We'll see how that holds up. Funny thing is, she doesn't even know what I saw. She just got fed up with him all on her own. But we've been here before. I've wanted so long for her to stand up to him. Assert herself. Sometimes she would, but usually just takes whatever he's dishing. Now that I'm older, I try and take up for her somewhat. Not as much as I used to because she seems not to really want it. But I won't talk over her when he asks a question while she's talking. I just don't take sides in general.

When I see her cry, it reminds me of when I was a kid and she would cry all the time. I don't know if was just the things he did and said or if it was mixed with depression or even mixed with the schizophrenia. But she cried a lot of tears.

Who am I to judge his sin? But I'm so angry at him. He lives a life that's totally separate from us. I wonder how big that life is. What all it entails. Is he drinking again? What else does he do? I think I'm really disappointed in him as a dad, as a father. I wish he were a stronger man. I wish I didn't have their genes sometimes. I wanted more out of a parent. I feel betrayed on some level. I don't understand that. I want a dad. When I see images of healthy father daughter relationships, it makes me emotional. I feel like I'm missing that part in my life. I thought maybe we were starting to move in that direction. I was thinking of giving him a Father's Day card with a real message from the heart this year. Something telling him that I didn't think he was a bad father, that I knew he'd done his best, and that I loved him. Something to that effect. But I don't feel like I want to do anything like that now.

My heart is grieved for my family. It's such a big, big mess. So complicated. It feels like there's no hope for redemption. I don't think we'll ever be together again. I thought I'd accepted this reality years ago, but for some reason the fresh realization is painful. My heart is hurting tonight.

I never knew that it would feel like this
When the two that raised you up and call it quits
Nobody told me 'bout the emptiness
When the place you call home is closed for business
I push the pain down, I gotta "get by"
Always knowin' in my heart that it ain't gonna fly
Rock bottom's never felt so near before
And if pain is God's megaphone it's loud and clear
So hold me now father, human love ain't enough
I've failed and been failed by the people I love
But your faithful arms they surround me
And any other soul who has to sail those seas
Of a broken family
-TobyMac

Jackass....yeah, it's an animal

"Be angry, and do not sin..." Ephesians 4:26a

I am trying not hate you right now. Well that's not entirely true. I'm not trying that hard.

I don't even know the words to say to you right now. I'm so angry with you. I'm not supposed to let the sun go down on my anger. But how am I supposed to forgive you before I fall asleep.

You're a sick bastard. I pray I never end up like you. I want to cry, I want to yell, I want to punch a hole through something.

How could you??? She has tried so hard to be a good wife to you. Sure, she may not be that great at it. Yeah, she has problems. But to treat her like a piece of shit and then turn around and betray her like that? Are you effing kidding me??!

You think you're the only one with "needs"? She never let another man in. Never. She stayed faithful to you and wouldn't even let us talk badly about you. Always telling us, that's your dad, you've gotta respect him. Respect! Guess that's beyond you. Then for you to whine and complain and bitch and moan about what a wife should be to her husband? And about how she's not fulfilling the role of a wife and how bad of a wife she is? Really? Seriously? You're not even a husband. She's a better person than you'll ever be. And don't fucking tell me it's not my damn business. It is my business. She's my mother. This is my family. It is my business. You're a jackass and she deserves better.

Who ARE you?? I don't even feel like I know you. I don't know if I can believe anything you say. You've led a secret life. How could I trust you? Just when I thought it was getting better. I was actually starting to like you a little. Way to dash my hopes. You're pretty good at that, aren't you?

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I don't even know why I'm hurt, it's not like you did anything to me. But I am. Maybe it's because I feel like I don't know you. I didn't have the highest opinion of you anyway, but now...I just don't know what to think.

And what do I do with this? Do I tell them? Do I keep it to myself? I'm so angry at you for even putting me in this position where I have to decide.

I was gonna try and do something nice. Something cute. Thought I'd change your wallpaper to my picture. Thought you might like that. What a discovery instead.

I could drag this out for awhile, but I don't really feel like doing that. So I'll leave it here. What a disappointment....jerk.

So I'm going to try this whole "writing without being an emotional train wreck" idea...

I went to a bonfire tonight. It's a big annual thing we've been doing for like four years now. It generally brings out most of my friends and is usually a pretty good time. Tonight I felt anti-social. Not completely, but somewhat. I kept having the urge to sort of wonder off alone or with a friend. Hanging out with groups of people, laughing, joking, etc felt kind of like performing. There are certain attitudes and behaviors that are expected of me and if I don't exhibit them, then people start to worry. And I don't mean worry in a helpful way, but more so in a curious way. It's nice that they notice when something's off, but I don't feel like explaining myself over and over again. So when I got tired of playing the game, I would leave for awhile, then come back.

I haven't really been myself lately. I've been noticing that I'm exhibiting a lot of signs of depression. I've started looking into it. I don't think it's serious, but I do think I should be careful. Signs include:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• fatigue and decreased energy
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• irritability, restlessness
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• overeating or appetite loss
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I've experienced almost all of these in pretty noticeable ways recently. I told a friend the other day how I sometimes worry about ending up like my mother. I know that mental disorders can have a hereditary component. I don't want to end up that way. Lord, I don't want to end up that way. I love her, but she is not well. But I see these tendencies in myself sometimes and I get worried. I think I should talk to someone. I love my friends, but I have trouble expressing it all to them. But I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't get it all outside of my head and heart. My cousin sent me a facebook message to make sure I was okay after seeing some questionable status updates. At first I tried blowing him off a little, downplaying how I was feeling and trying to flip it back to him. But he pressed a little further so I opened up a little to him. And it felt so good. There's so much going on inside of me that I don't feel like I can express to my friends for whatever reasons. But I have to talk or else I feel like I'll explode. When I start to talk about this stuff, I can feel the emotion welling up inside of me. There's like a river pressing at a dam waiting to burst through. I don't know what it'll take to break through. I remember being at camp last year and going out to the beach while everyone else was inside. For like the first time in a long time (maybe even ever) I just completely broke down. I fell to the ground and wept briefly losing control. It didn't last long, but it was a step in the right direction. My emotions had been caged for so long, in some ways I forgot how to feel. It was the third year in a continuing journey towards emotional healing. I'm getting there. I cry more now than I did say 4 years ago. But I still have trouble. I sometimes envy people who cry easily. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but you couldn't really tell by watching me. I need to cry. There's still so much bottled inside. Sometimes I just want to destroy something. I had quite the temper when I was younger. I ruined four doorjambs that I can think of. My family likes to tell stories about what a bad tempered child I was before the age of 5 when I suddenly changed. I sometimes say that what actually changed was my ability to control it. I remember as a child and as a teenager just having this rage that I couldn't control. I was so angry. Sometimes I still feel that anger deep down. I just don't express the way I used to. Sometimes it's not anger that I feel. Sometimes it's a deep deep sadness. A longing to just cry...and cry and cry and cry. I don't know how to start. And it's always a little weird because I feel silly when I cry. I wonder if I'm being fake. I never, ever want to be something I'm not. But this is something I think I need to be for my own well-being.

Oh, and for the record, I was asked today why I don't drink. I didn't feel like giving the answer then, but I'll say it. I have a history of alcoholism in my family and I've observed addictive tendencies in my own life. I don't want to add something for me to struggle with. I'm so afraid sometimes of ending up like my parents.

Maybe I'll try this whole crying thing tonight, see what happens. Don't know if I can get myself to that point without a trigger though.

So, yeah. I don't drink. Never been drunk. But tonight is interesting. Maybe I'm tired and can't really tell, but I feel like I'm operating in a similar way that I would had I been drinking. I feel very communicative, like I want to talk to and hear from the people I care about. But I have to remember that it's past 3am.

I can feel my heart longing for something. But I don't really know what it is. I think maybe it's romantic love. I'm sure that movie didn't help at all... But maybe it's something else. Maybe it's connection. Funny because I've had more connection tonight that I've had in a long time. But maybe that just whet my appetite. How I long to be held, to be babied. I've become so much of a leader that it seems no one wants to lead me anymore. Sometimes I just wanted to held, to be cared for, to be told that I'm loved, to be stroked, to be mothered. Maybe that's part of why it's been hard in the past for me to connect to God in that way because it's such a deep-rooted longing that I've protected and kept it hidden. The thought of being free to be loved and to be me causes an upheaval of emotion. It seems so far from me. So far from what's available to me. Ah, to close my eyes and rest my head on the breast of a loving Father. This makes me long for God. Sometimes I just get so tired. I don't always know it, but I do. I don't actually know how to handle life. I just want to rest, Father. To be taken care of. To be loved. Can I have that? Please? Can I cry on Your shoulder. There are so many unfallen tears. So many silenced cries. Will You hear me? I'm so tired Lord. I'm so tired. I didn't even know.

I still can't understand why You would love a wretch like me.

My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You
I will draw near to You

Trying not to be jealous, but I'm afraid she'll steal you away :(