What is this feeling? My heart is confused. It feels like something I should be trying to fight off. I can't really see where it could be more than a distraction from those things that should have my attention right now. But it feels good to think about it. It's like the dull ache of an irritated gum or injured skin; pressing into it is painful but there is some strange satisfaction that results.

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

William Shakespeare

Love and Loss

There is a pain I do not know
Cannot know
Don't really want to know.
The pain of loss.
The loss of control
over the loss of a soul
of someone close to me.
I haven't cried endless nights
I haven't sobbed asking why
this one I so love was taken away.
I do not know this pain.
Because I do not know,
I cannot understand.
I simply can't relate.
And though I sometimes wish
I could comprehend the pain
I know I don't want to experience it.
For this is my greatest mortal fear.
To lose one whom I love
Knowing this life will never see us
together again.
I think of how it will happen,
who it will be.
When?
Will it be expected after an illness
Or will a foolish driver make this reality true
long before it should have been.
An icy road, a rickety vehicle, a violent criminal.
All equally capable of snatching from my heart
the comfort of wholeness.

The danger in loving is the endpoint of that love. The wider my circle, the greater the chance of losing someone in it. I find myself asking if that is a risk that I'm willing to take. But the question is brief as I remember the truth that " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." (Tennyson)

Had a conversation with that friend today. It feels better. I want to do whatever it takes. I knew when I saw her that the connection was too strong to fade that quickly. The entire time we were together- pre-, during, and post-talking- all i wanted to do was to hug her. I love my friends. My heart is so vulnerably attached to each of them. It's scary because that means they have a certain amount of power over me. I don't like the thought of being vulnerable. But it's true. Few things can so negatively affect my mood as a relationship gone awry. I still worry for her. I don't know where she stands with God. I don't know what kinds of things she's become involved with. But I know that I love her and that I want to commit myself in whatever way possible or necessary to being her friend. We talk evangelism, but do we live it? I think we could all use a little evangelism- someone reminding us what we believe, someone loving us into Christian community and relationship with God. Who says its supposed to stop once a person crosses the line of faith? So, I'm going to "evangelize" my friend til I'm blue in the face because I love her just that much.

Man, I really screw up when I go all inward focused. I don't think straight and I miss a lot. There are people around me who are actually hurting, who need connection, and where am I? I'm off sulking by myself, keeping my friendship- and my love- all to myself. How selfish! There are a lot of people I haven't talked to, a lot of responsibilities I've ignored, a lot of opportunities I've missed. Why? Because I was too focused on how I "feel" to care about most other things. I really do get tired of myself sometimes. I mean that not in a self-pitying, "the world hates me" sort of way, but in a true, "why can't i just do the right thing" sort of way. I do this so much. In and out, up and down. Constantly. It's annoying when I look at it from a more healthy perspective. Right now, the image I have is one of me stepping out of a cave after having been down there in the dark for so long. I squint and shield my face from the sun. I feel like I'm coming out of a cave of darkness in my life. What I don't understand is how I end up there *so* often.

I like boys. A lot. I always have. My first crush was in kindergarten on this kid named Christopher. I think I liked him because he was nice to me. My crushes these days are a little more complex. Complexity adds confusion. There are boys. A few of them. None of them are aware of their status in my mind as "boys" (in the non-childish sense, that is). I think for now its best to keep it that way because I don't know what to do or even really how I feel. But I am me, and I don't have tons of self-control just yet. Not to say that I'll cross any lines, but chances are I'll either intentionally or unintentionally try to let them know the "cookie is out there" so to speak ;)

"Prayer For A Friend"

"Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You"

Casting Crowns

It's probably not safe to trust your heart after 3am. I'm going to bed.

I don't want to think that you're ignoring me. But that's what it looks like. And it hurts like hell.