I want to be somebody's everything. I wonder if this is natural and healthy or selfish and wrong. Or maybe it's both natural and wrong. I've been observing my relationships recently and noticing how jealous I feel when I notice another person becoming close to someone I like (whether as a romantic interest, friend, or someone I look up to). I think I feel like my relationship with them is either threatened or somehow less special. I worry they like this other person more than they like me and that they're more important to them than I am. Irrational, of course, but real nonetheless.
I sometimes think about where this kind of mindset comes from. Wherever it comes from, I believe it's been magnified by my own sense of selfishness. I want to be important, but that's not my calling. I think there's probably a reason why I predisposed to struggle in this area though. I think that's the way it is with most of our sins. Our life circumstances create brokenness and holes that we respond to either healthily or sinfully.
For me, I think it's been in part my family situation. I don't have a strong relationship with either of my parents and I find myself sometimes trying to replace that. I think there's also the issue of trying to fill a God-shaped hole with other things and people. I'm looking for deep, unconditional, "you're my favorite" kind of love. God offers it, but I don't really know how to accept it from Him. It seems much easier to get it from people, except they're imperfect and usually fail me.
Random(ish): I really wish I were a better person.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Pure
Staying pure is SO difficult. i used to think i was the only one who struggled, but i've learned differently over the past few years. in fact, i think most people do. i kind of just assume it. i generally put people into one of 4 categories: 1) those who really struggle with it, 2) those who deal with it and see nothing wrong with it 3) those who are sexually repressed and don't really know to struggle with it yet, and 4) that very, very rare few who are aware of and comfortable with their sexuality but just aren't tempted in that area as much. that's a very very small group. although i know this, it's still really hard. i want to beat this. i want nothing to control my life. but man does it suck.
fyi, i'm not just making stuff up. since i actually started talking about it with people, i've come across very very few girls who don't or haven't struggled with it to some degree. for the one or two who haven't said it or alluded to it, their total aversion to the topic suggests to me that they're a little repressed in that area.
Accountability is a blessing from God.
i'm deciding i want to be more forthcoming about this whole thing. when i realized i wasn't alone, that's when i felt free to find accountability. that relationship has been an incredible blessing in both our lives. i think a lot of other people, particularly girls, could use that freedom. i think a lot of girls still think they're the only ones that struggle with purity of mind and body. it eats you alive because you feel guilty because you know deep down it's wrong but you also feel way to ashamed to talk to anyone because you think you're the only one. so it just consumes you. i lived that way for a long time until finally i told my best friend one night after having said that there was still something she didn't know about me. that idea was upsetting to her so i spilled. i freaked out. i cried and hyperventilated- each occurring separately of the other. the reaction was so deep because i was sharing something for the first time that had consumed my life for about 13 or 14 years. i was buried under shame and guilt. and conviction because i did know it was wrong. i knew it was wrong from the time i was a very small child (maybe 6 years old?) and it had followed me all that time.
the next time i shared, i was leading a girls discussion/book study group for the Christian student org i was about to become president of at my university. i decided we needed to take a break from our normal book study and to instead listen to a message about being real and removing our masks. so i took a leap figuring that as the president of my chapter i couldn't in good conscience ask them to do anything i wasn't willing to do. so i shared. a lot. everything actually. i shared all of the "big 3" aspects of my personal story that i had determined several years prior that i would never tell people. the walls came down. and as i shared, more girls opened up. it was here that an accountability relationship on the topic of purity was birthed between me and another friend. it was the first time i can remember hearing anyone admit to struggling in this area outside of my other friend who'd attributed it to different causes.
now more and more, i hear the topic being brought up. i've even heard it addressed by speakers at ours and other gatherings. i've talked about it with girls from more recent girls' groups. and little by little, freedom is being won. so i've decided that i have to be honest, both for my sake and for the sakes of the girls who'll continue to struggle in silence until they know that they're not alone.
fyi, i'm not just making stuff up. since i actually started talking about it with people, i've come across very very few girls who don't or haven't struggled with it to some degree. for the one or two who haven't said it or alluded to it, their total aversion to the topic suggests to me that they're a little repressed in that area.
Accountability is a blessing from God.
i'm deciding i want to be more forthcoming about this whole thing. when i realized i wasn't alone, that's when i felt free to find accountability. that relationship has been an incredible blessing in both our lives. i think a lot of other people, particularly girls, could use that freedom. i think a lot of girls still think they're the only ones that struggle with purity of mind and body. it eats you alive because you feel guilty because you know deep down it's wrong but you also feel way to ashamed to talk to anyone because you think you're the only one. so it just consumes you. i lived that way for a long time until finally i told my best friend one night after having said that there was still something she didn't know about me. that idea was upsetting to her so i spilled. i freaked out. i cried and hyperventilated- each occurring separately of the other. the reaction was so deep because i was sharing something for the first time that had consumed my life for about 13 or 14 years. i was buried under shame and guilt. and conviction because i did know it was wrong. i knew it was wrong from the time i was a very small child (maybe 6 years old?) and it had followed me all that time.
the next time i shared, i was leading a girls discussion/book study group for the Christian student org i was about to become president of at my university. i decided we needed to take a break from our normal book study and to instead listen to a message about being real and removing our masks. so i took a leap figuring that as the president of my chapter i couldn't in good conscience ask them to do anything i wasn't willing to do. so i shared. a lot. everything actually. i shared all of the "big 3" aspects of my personal story that i had determined several years prior that i would never tell people. the walls came down. and as i shared, more girls opened up. it was here that an accountability relationship on the topic of purity was birthed between me and another friend. it was the first time i can remember hearing anyone admit to struggling in this area outside of my other friend who'd attributed it to different causes.
now more and more, i hear the topic being brought up. i've even heard it addressed by speakers at ours and other gatherings. i've talked about it with girls from more recent girls' groups. and little by little, freedom is being won. so i've decided that i have to be honest, both for my sake and for the sakes of the girls who'll continue to struggle in silence until they know that they're not alone.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Kind of a Rough Day :-/
I am not happy with this day so far. I feel like I've failed in so many areas. And instead of being smart enough to get up and make some changes, I've just walked around with the heaviness on my heart all day. I feel like I want something to change. I feel guilty about some decisions I've made but I'm too afraid to/can't fix them.
I guess I should happy that sin doesn't sit well with me. I suppose it's a sign of God in me. But it sure feels miserable. I just need to fix this. But there's other sin that's not fixable and I just have to deal with it. I hate that.
I feel so overwhelmed and confused about life today. I think I entered shutdown mode some time this morning or afternoon which would potentially explain part of how this day has gone. I've done nothing. Nothing productive at least. I finished putting my bookshelf together and organized it. It feels good to look at it and see it finished. But there were other things I should have been doing in that time. But I couldn't/wouldn't bring myself to do them. I didn't understand why. But the whole shutdown thing does make sense. I do that sometimes, and it's awful. Then I look back and realize that I've only made things worse, and made a bigger mess. *sigh* I need to stop worrying so much. I never really thought I was a worrier before, but I recognize it more now. I get so scared and nervous sometimes. I need love perfected in me because perfect love casts out fear. I need that.
I kind of want to just quit; just do something else. But I've recognized before my aversion to commitment and I'll never grow if I quit on everything that challenges me. But I also have to consider the other side. Is it worth it for the other party? I'm not sure.
I'm thankful for this job, but sometimes I don't like it. Or at least I don't feel like it's for me. But if it's not, then what am I supposed to be doing. Did I miss something? Or am I in the process of missing something right now? I feel so blind sometimes.
*sigh* So much to think about, or maybe to stop thinking about.
I guess I should happy that sin doesn't sit well with me. I suppose it's a sign of God in me. But it sure feels miserable. I just need to fix this. But there's other sin that's not fixable and I just have to deal with it. I hate that.
I feel so overwhelmed and confused about life today. I think I entered shutdown mode some time this morning or afternoon which would potentially explain part of how this day has gone. I've done nothing. Nothing productive at least. I finished putting my bookshelf together and organized it. It feels good to look at it and see it finished. But there were other things I should have been doing in that time. But I couldn't/wouldn't bring myself to do them. I didn't understand why. But the whole shutdown thing does make sense. I do that sometimes, and it's awful. Then I look back and realize that I've only made things worse, and made a bigger mess. *sigh* I need to stop worrying so much. I never really thought I was a worrier before, but I recognize it more now. I get so scared and nervous sometimes. I need love perfected in me because perfect love casts out fear. I need that.
I kind of want to just quit; just do something else. But I've recognized before my aversion to commitment and I'll never grow if I quit on everything that challenges me. But I also have to consider the other side. Is it worth it for the other party? I'm not sure.
I'm thankful for this job, but sometimes I don't like it. Or at least I don't feel like it's for me. But if it's not, then what am I supposed to be doing. Did I miss something? Or am I in the process of missing something right now? I feel so blind sometimes.
*sigh* So much to think about, or maybe to stop thinking about.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Technical Difficulties
So I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to use this blog site. I just went through and realized that the posts I thought I'd accidentally deleted before being able to publish them were actually saved. So I just published 4 "new" posts that were actually written awhile ago. If you're interested, the dates are July 15th (both), July 6th, and June 8th.
Filling Spaces
I sent this message tonight to the woman I've referred to here before, and I almost cried. It was after we facebook chatted about relationships and boundaries. I think maybe God is beginning some more healing in me.
Hey ******,
I know you were needing to go so I wouldn't have had time to type this out in our conversation. I just wanted to say again thanks for talking and for being so open and honest with me. It really does mean a lot to me. I don't have the kind of relationship with my mom where we can talk about these sorts of things, for a lot of reasons. And I really feel that void in my life. And although you're not quite mother age to me (14 years...), I still take your advice kind of like that of a mom. And when I listen to you share with me from your perspective it fills a space in me that I sometimes forget is empty. So thank you :)
This was actually posted last night, but something got messed up and it ended up posting out of order. So I'm just reposting it now to put it in the right order.
Hey ******,
I know you were needing to go so I wouldn't have had time to type this out in our conversation. I just wanted to say again thanks for talking and for being so open and honest with me. It really does mean a lot to me. I don't have the kind of relationship with my mom where we can talk about these sorts of things, for a lot of reasons. And I really feel that void in my life. And although you're not quite mother age to me (14 years...), I still take your advice kind of like that of a mom. And when I listen to you share with me from your perspective it fills a space in me that I sometimes forget is empty. So thank you :)
This was actually posted last night, but something got messed up and it ended up posting out of order. So I'm just reposting it now to put it in the right order.
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