The Story of My Life

"Only Thing" by Ronnie Freeman

I heard someone say the other day
They'd seen in me true love displayed
Blessed by something I had done for them
No sooner had they said these words
I found myself somehow disturbed
Uneasy as I took their compliment
Cause I know the heart inside this man
I know the truth of who I am...

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I've lived long enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

If you could walk the hallways of my heart
And see things as they really are
I wonder if you might be surprised
Seeing faded walls of pride and fear
Rooms I've filled with faithless tears
And corners where I've stood in compromise
But you'd see the work His grace has done
You'd know just how far I've come

In a thousand years
When the dust of this world clears
And I look back on my life
And see in perfect light

The only thing that's good in me is You Lord
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

I just want it all to go away. I fear I've made a mess of so much. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to be anymore. But that can't be right. Sometimes I have fleeting thoughts wanting bad things to happen to me, thinking that it doesn't matter anymore anyway. But that can't be right either. But there's this darkness, this hole that I find myself in. And the stresses of life make it just that much heavier. I've never gone this far down before. At least not that I recall.
I laughed tonight. I've started realizing how much time goes by without laughing. It feels nice to laugh.
Everything on me just feels so stressful right now. I feel like I can't handle it. Yesterday at work I was starting think I was gonna have a small breakdown. But I didn't. I did go to the breakroom though to stop and breathe. I feel like my emotions have been flying kind of out of control. I'm sure approaching and being on my period hasn't helped at all. But still, it's so big I don't even really feel like I can identify how I feel. And I get so exhausted and drained. I think it's emotional tiredness. Pardon the analogy, but I think maybe it's kind of like sex. There's all this build up til you hit a climax then you just can't take anymore and you fall asleep. Except this build up isn't pleasurable at all. It's actually quite miserable.

a work in progress...to be continued

In-Side Out

The words I say are laced with anger.
The ones I don't are flowing with love.
The face I make is full of frustration.
The one I don't breaks with compassion.
The tears I cry come from confusion and sadness
The ones I don't have no reason at all...

"You say you're falling apart
Reached the end of the line
Just looking for your place in an oridnary life
No one calls you friend
No one even knows your name
You just want to feel loved instead of all the pain

You no longer have to say
No one's listening anyway

Come here and cry on my shoulder
I'll hold you 'til it's over
I'll rescue you tonight
Let My arms be your shelter
Your hiding place forever
I'll love you more than life

You're wearing a frown
Given up on hope
My heart is reaching out
More then you will ever know
Is your burden too much?
Is it more then you can bear?
I'll help carry the load if you're willing to share

You have had some hard times
Had thorns placed in your side
I know about what you've been going through
tears of pain are falling down
It hurts so bad you're crying out
Your problems won't last forever
Let Me put you back together"
-Overflow

My adaption:

Lord, can I cry on Your shoulder,
Will You hold me til it's over?
Come rescue me tonight
Let Your arms be my shelter
My hiding place forever
I'll love You more than life

I'm so confused. And stressed. I almost just want to drop it all and just leave. Everything. Maybe bring a friend and just go. I feel so overwhelmed with life.

Left alone

Three of my closest friends are gone for the summer. Others are occupied with family crises, while yet another lives far, far, far away. I'm going to need God to stretch and grow me this summer, otherwise I'm in for a very, very lonely couple of months :'(

Random Thoughts...

So this is a post I'm titling before I start writing. I wonder if that says anything special.

While walking home tonight, I entertained the idea that community experiences like tonight are like drugs to me. I take it in, get high, then come home and fall back into reality. Then I determined that Satan trying to trick me into thinking my positive mood tonight was due to something other than encountering God during praise and worship tonight.

Also while walking home tonight, I looked up and saw the stars. The sky, especially the night sky reminds me that the God I serve is a very very big God.

I'm sad that my friends are leaving for the summer. I've never had so many leave at once while I'm still at home. I'm a little anxious to see how this is going to turn out.

Recently I've felt like I'm living life under a blanket of darkness. Even things that are happy aren't as happy because they're clouded by the knowledge that my secret life is filled with despair and even depression sometimes. It feels like I've lost part of me. I don't know when it started, but everything seems to have lost a portion of joy. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've felt myself struggling with fear a lot lately. I've gotten afraid that someone is going to attack me or that I'll get hit by a car or that someone I love is going to get injured or die.

I've never considered myself much of a worrier but with my friends, it's different. Like when my one friend told me about a health occurrence and how he'd supposedly had a heart attack or something (but not really?) and I seriously started crying in the middle of Wal-Mart. This was last year just before I left for China.

The above paragraph was attached to the one before but I decided they were separate thoughts because worrying about a friend with "heart problems" isn't quite the same as irrational fear about dying.

Success is achieved when we identify the right thing and get as close to it as we can.

I started warming up to this guy, maybe liking him a little? I'm kinda worried I'm going to realize he was really just checking in as a friend and nothing more. I feel like this always happens to me. It seems no guy is ever interested. The one who was, changed his mind like three weeks later. I often wonder why guys don't seem to be interested in me. I don't even think I'm completely ugly anymore.

I sometimes wish people knew my heart. Really, my intentions are almost always good. I have my moments- moments of pride, insecurity, jealousy, etc. But in general, I'm trying to do the right thing. I don't want to be a jerk, but sometimes I think I come across that way.

I'm so afraid of becoming like my parents. My dad's an a-hole and my mom is sick. I really really really don't want to be like them. I worry sometimes because I don't think I'm much different from how they were at my age.

I wrote this at 3 o'clock this morning, but fell asleep before completing or posting it, so here it is. Unfinished.