Can you hear me now?

"Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?"

zoegirl

"Stained-Glass Masquerade "

"...So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples?
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
....
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be..."

Casting Crowns

"...my heart is hurting,
my spirit near broken,
my hope is almost gone.
Lord come quick,
Do something please;
I can only hold on for so long."

maybe it is true. maybe i really am the worst friend ever. maybe the good people see is all a front and positive results are merely a merciful by-product of my facade. maybe, just maybe, they don't need me and shouldn't want me. maybe we're all better off without me.

i need true connection. i'm surrounded by friends, yet i feel so alone.

can you hear me?
far across the chasm that seemingly separates us
i'm trying to call out.
i choke on the words.
do you still love me?
i know i don't deserve even a kind glance in my direction
but i'm hoping that what i think about you is true.
for a brief moment it was true to me.
it was truer than anything i'd ever known.
for a moment, i knew you loved me
and i wrestled over the truth that there was nothing i could do about it.
and i fought back.
like a child with my sign
presenting the God of the universe with all the reasons
why he shouldn't love me
i stood before you.
i stood.
but maybe that's the problem.
i stood where i should have bowed.
i allowed pride and arrogance to fill the space
that was intended for awe and gratitude.
we live in an age where we are told
"be real with God. don't fake it"
so i don't fake it but have i lost the reverence for the One who created me?
i feel so. far.
so far from you, so far from me.
so far removed from life.
is any of this real?
i don't know if it's a wall or if it's a cessation of life but
i can't feel my heart beating anymore.
no love, no compassion.
nothing to give or offer.
to weak to be leaned upon and to stiff to lean myself.
i can't feel my heart beating anymore.
i try to speak but translation is difficult.
how could it be possible to relay all of *this* to "them?"
no words, no sound. no communication.
how could i even tell them i'm going down?
tears flow more easily now. it's easier to cry when nothing else will come out.
they say you listen to the heart more than words.
if this is true, can you hear me?
the loneliness is growing now.
never in my adult years have i longed so much for companionship.
someone to love me, someone to love.
a hand to hold, a chest to cling to.
a friend who exceeds friendship.
bad decisions seem to be the marker of this time in my life.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!!
i don't think i could be more clear.
i am completely lost.
i feel like maybe i should be ok with that
but i'm not.
to be continued...

'Cause I promised myself I wouldn't fall, but here I've fallen. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. All I can do is cry to You, "Oh God You have to save me. You're my last and only hope. All my right answers fail me. I can't seem to make it on my own." -BarlowGirl

I wish I were smarter sometimes.

I am so confused. What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do?