Wanting More

I have so much. I have things I never knew I could have and never knew I wanted. I have a family who loves me even though we're messy. I have the privilege of being introduced to Jesus at an early age. I have friends whom I love like family. I have all my needs met. I have a roof over my head, I have more food than I need, I have clothes that not only fit me but that I also like, I have a computer, a television, furniture to sit on, glasses to correct my vision...everything I need and most of what I want. Except him. Of all the things I do have, my heart sees and grieves this seemingly small thing that I don't.

It seems the trend lately has been that I just want him to want me. I'm consciously trying to avoid him on one hand, but on the other I want him to contact me. I want the security of knowing that he misses me or wants to be around me or is concerned about me. I think I got so much from him and our friendship. More than I realized. I love being loved by him and knowing that I'm someone special in his life. I find that I want to be special to pretty much everyone who's special to me. But why? I have to ask the question "Why?" What is it that I get from being special to people? What satisfaction or value? I feel like I require so much attention. But why? What am I lacking or feel like I'm lacking that's causing me to seek approval and value from all these people? It's like I'm crying out to the world or at least the people in my little world, "Love me!" But maybe I don't love me yet either. Maybe that's the problem. I'm finally starting to understand that God loves me (still don't know why but I'm giving up that question) but I never have concluded that other question, that one that always stops me in my tracks: "Do you love yourself?" I don't think I've ever successfully answered it. I think sometimes I forget it needs an answer. I hear it, think about, formulate some possible responses, then let it go. Maybe losing him will finally make me face the big question and deal with all the messy stuff below.

"I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
And I'm begging you to beg me"