Forgiveness and Old Wounds

Hm, kind of a lot to think about.

Yesterday was the formal end of my intentional 30 days of media fasting and instead spending time with God. Although, towards the end there, I sort of started falling off the wagon. But I've got to be make sure I keep going. My life of faith got so much stronger. I observed things in myself that I'd tried to hide. Like the fear. I can see so much fear in me sometimes, and I really don't know where it comes from. I feel like that's something I need to address.

Also, yesterday, I was thinking about this whole idea of forgiveness. I've finally started to understand what it means to forgive and how it's just a choice you make. It's basically saying that the person no longer owes you the cost of what they've done. It's choosing to forget. That's what God has done for us and what we're commanded to do for each other. I've started to learn to do this with friends and smaller situations like arguments and such. But when I think about deeper and longer-standing cuts, like with my dad, it's a lot harder. To say to him, whether verbally or not, that he no longer owes me the cost of what he's done- it almost seems like it's not possible. That's a problem because it wasn't set out as a suggestion or a choice. We were told to forgive- I think so that we can be forgiven. I have to forgive him, but it feels so hard. I guess this is one of those points where I just have to acknowledge my inability and ask God to change my heart. I can feel that there are still a lot of unspoken emotions wrapped up in it all. When I start to think about it, I can feel them ebbing at the surface of my heart. So much that I want to express but don't know how. So much pain. I don't think I could do it alone anyway. I feel like I would need someone to hold my hand through it. So many tears I have yet to cry. When will the floodgates finally open?