Friday, September 3, 2010

Trying to remember that He still loves me even when everything doesn't feel great. The true test will be to see how faith holds up and what role it plays in the rough times. Do I trust Him to get me through the hard stuff?

I feel surprisingly sad. I'm generally not very good at understanding my emotions right away. I'm trying to understand what exactly I feel and why. I think it's not what I initially thought. I think this is getting at a deeper issue. One that I've held hidden even from me for some time now. Maybe. Like I said, I don't fully understand my emotions. I know there's part of me that wants to cry, but I don't fully understand why. I think I've also just felt more emotional lately in general. I've felt like I really needed to be touched and loved. I've dreamed of being held and comforted and stroked. My heart feels uneasy and a little restless I guess. But I don't know why. I have that feeling of wanting to be cared for and have been trying to figure out where I can get it from.

Sometimes I think I give off the impression that I'm not a person who needs tender care and affection. I don't do it on purpose. But sometimes I look at my behavior and think, "Well, I guess I'm not making it clear." But it's crazy because, in actuality, I'm exactly the opposite of that. I need lots of love and affection. I long to held and loved just as much as the next person.

It was interesting last night. I was talking to a friend and our conversation took an interesting turn. I was asking her about a situation that was bothering me with one of my friends. The situation is kind of sad for me. She usually gives me pretty good advice about these things, and I generally follow it. All of a sudden, though, she surprised me by saying some very affirming things that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. It was just really nice. It lifted my heart and my spirits a lot, especially coming from her. I thank God for it. I kind of see it as Him affirming and expressing His love for me through her. I really needed that I think.

"i love you  and it's always fun  i really enjoy you ....
  ...for you
  i feel totally free to be myself around you
  like completely a dork
  and idiot
  and it's wonderful :)
  but i can also go really deep with you
  you have a special quality about you :)"  I asked God for an expression of love yesterday morning. Maybe this was His way of responding :-)

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