I thought I was past this. Not completely past it but I thought I was past the point where family issues would be such a big thing for me. Why??? ugh....I feel like my family is falling apart all over again. I think I should just have faith and trust that God will work everything out. I just can't stand to see her crying. She said she doesn't want him to come over for her birthday tomorrow and that she means it. We'll see how that holds up. Funny thing is, she doesn't even know what I saw. She just got fed up with him all on her own. But we've been here before. I've wanted so long for her to stand up to him. Assert herself. Sometimes she would, but usually just takes whatever he's dishing. Now that I'm older, I try and take up for her somewhat. Not as much as I used to because she seems not to really want it. But I won't talk over her when he asks a question while she's talking. I just don't take sides in general.
When I see her cry, it reminds me of when I was a kid and she would cry all the time. I don't know if was just the things he did and said or if it was mixed with depression or even mixed with the schizophrenia. But she cried a lot of tears.
Who am I to judge his sin? But I'm so angry at him. He lives a life that's totally separate from us. I wonder how big that life is. What all it entails. Is he drinking again? What else does he do? I think I'm really disappointed in him as a dad, as a father. I wish he were a stronger man. I wish I didn't have their genes sometimes. I wanted more out of a parent. I feel betrayed on some level. I don't understand that. I want a dad. When I see images of healthy father daughter relationships, it makes me emotional. I feel like I'm missing that part in my life. I thought maybe we were starting to move in that direction. I was thinking of giving him a Father's Day card with a real message from the heart this year. Something telling him that I didn't think he was a bad father, that I knew he'd done his best, and that I loved him. Something to that effect. But I don't feel like I want to do anything like that now.
My heart is grieved for my family. It's such a big, big mess. So complicated. It feels like there's no hope for redemption. I don't think we'll ever be together again. I thought I'd accepted this reality years ago, but for some reason the fresh realization is painful. My heart is hurting tonight.
I never knew that it would feel like this
When the two that raised you up and call it quits
Nobody told me 'bout the emptiness
When the place you call home is closed for business
I push the pain down, I gotta "get by"
Always knowin' in my heart that it ain't gonna fly
Rock bottom's never felt so near before
And if pain is God's megaphone it's loud and clear
So hold me now father, human love ain't enough
I've failed and been failed by the people I love
But your faithful arms they surround me
And any other soul who has to sail those seas
Of a broken family
-TobyMac
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