i feel like i'll lose control. the effects of all the recent stuff with my family go deeper than i first realized. i knew i was hurt by it. but for awhile there i thought it didn't hurt anymore. thought i wasn't angry anymore. i try to ignore it. sometimes i feel like it shouldn't bother me anymore. like i should be over it. other times i feel like i am over it. then i have times like today where i'm so desperate not to be alone and i know it's because i'm trying to avoid something. i wouldn't even really let myself entertain the thought that the two issues (family stuff and not wanting to be alone) had anything to do with one another. but within five minutes of talking to one friend, the connection came up and i could feel myself wanting to cry. why??? why does it affect me like this? it's one of those things that i honestly don't understand. i don't understand how i feel. just that i feel hurt and angry and betrayed. but ask me why i feel those ways? i couldn't tell you anything specific. just the story of what happened. i talked to another friend who'd experienced a similar family situation to see what it was like for her, what her relationship was with her dad now, etc. she understood completely. it's so nice to be understood sometimes. she hugged me with a pretty good understanding of why i needed it right then. and we prayed for each other because both our situations are still active. that whole conversation/exchange was very cathartic. so much so that i was starting to think i was doing ok. that was wednesday. but here i am at the weekend still staggering emotionally when it's brought up. i'm not ok. it's like a wound. what i discovered that day cut me pretty deeply. so deep i sometimes don't even realize it's there. but if i press on it, it hurts. it hurts.