So this is a post I'm titling before I start writing. I wonder if that says anything special.
While walking home tonight, I entertained the idea that community experiences like tonight are like drugs to me. I take it in, get high, then come home and fall back into reality. Then I determined that Satan trying to trick me into thinking my positive mood tonight was due to something other than encountering God during praise and worship tonight.
Also while walking home tonight, I looked up and saw the stars. The sky, especially the night sky reminds me that the God I serve is a very very big God.
I'm sad that my friends are leaving for the summer. I've never had so many leave at once while I'm still at home. I'm a little anxious to see how this is going to turn out.
Recently I've felt like I'm living life under a blanket of darkness. Even things that are happy aren't as happy because they're clouded by the knowledge that my secret life is filled with despair and even depression sometimes. It feels like I've lost part of me. I don't know when it started, but everything seems to have lost a portion of joy. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I've felt myself struggling with fear a lot lately. I've gotten afraid that someone is going to attack me or that I'll get hit by a car or that someone I love is going to get injured or die.
I've never considered myself much of a worrier but with my friends, it's different. Like when my one friend told me about a health occurrence and how he'd supposedly had a heart attack or something (but not really?) and I seriously started crying in the middle of Wal-Mart. This was last year just before I left for China.
The above paragraph was attached to the one before but I decided they were separate thoughts because worrying about a friend with "heart problems" isn't quite the same as irrational fear about dying.
Success is achieved when we identify the right thing and get as close to it as we can.
I started warming up to this guy, maybe liking him a little? I'm kinda worried I'm going to realize he was really just checking in as a friend and nothing more. I feel like this always happens to me. It seems no guy is ever interested. The one who was, changed his mind like three weeks later. I often wonder why guys don't seem to be interested in me. I don't even think I'm completely ugly anymore.
I sometimes wish people knew my heart. Really, my intentions are almost always good. I have my moments- moments of pride, insecurity, jealousy, etc. But in general, I'm trying to do the right thing. I don't want to be a jerk, but sometimes I think I come across that way.
I'm so afraid of becoming like my parents. My dad's an a-hole and my mom is sick. I really really really don't want to be like them. I worry sometimes because I don't think I'm much different from how they were at my age.
I wrote this at 3 o'clock this morning, but fell asleep before completing or posting it, so here it is. Unfinished.
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