i was wrong, i've got another week! this makes me surprisingly happy!! :-D

Forgiveness and Old Wounds

Hm, kind of a lot to think about.

Yesterday was the formal end of my intentional 30 days of media fasting and instead spending time with God. Although, towards the end there, I sort of started falling off the wagon. But I've got to be make sure I keep going. My life of faith got so much stronger. I observed things in myself that I'd tried to hide. Like the fear. I can see so much fear in me sometimes, and I really don't know where it comes from. I feel like that's something I need to address.

Also, yesterday, I was thinking about this whole idea of forgiveness. I've finally started to understand what it means to forgive and how it's just a choice you make. It's basically saying that the person no longer owes you the cost of what they've done. It's choosing to forget. That's what God has done for us and what we're commanded to do for each other. I've started to learn to do this with friends and smaller situations like arguments and such. But when I think about deeper and longer-standing cuts, like with my dad, it's a lot harder. To say to him, whether verbally or not, that he no longer owes me the cost of what he's done- it almost seems like it's not possible. That's a problem because it wasn't set out as a suggestion or a choice. We were told to forgive- I think so that we can be forgiven. I have to forgive him, but it feels so hard. I guess this is one of those points where I just have to acknowledge my inability and ask God to change my heart. I can feel that there are still a lot of unspoken emotions wrapped up in it all. When I start to think about it, I can feel them ebbing at the surface of my heart. So much that I want to express but don't know how. So much pain. I don't think I could do it alone anyway. I feel like I would need someone to hold my hand through it. So many tears I have yet to cry. When will the floodgates finally open?

Bored and lonely. I shouldn't be, but that's kind of how I feel. I recognize this. I feel lonely because I don't want to be alone most likely because I'm having trouble sorting out my thoughts. Being with people would be a distraction- which I'd probably enjoy but don't really need.

I kind of feel like I wish I could fast forward to Sunday. I don't see tomorrow being very exciting either. What I'm supposed to be doing is drawing near to God in times like this. But I just feel so messy right now. I don't really know how or maybe I should say, I don't really feel like I can or if I'm really honest, don't really know if I want to right now. That's bad. I'm sorry Lord.

I need...focus. And persistence. And determination maybe? I don't know. I want to be distracted right now. Or at least have someone to talk to about everything. But, on these subjects, my resources are kind of limited. *Sigh* :-/

I can't judge anyone with addictions. I shouldn't judge anyone at all. But I do find it particularly difficult to judge those who struggle with addictions. I see that behavior so much in my own life. I try and free myself (still haven't learned to give up and just let God handle it), but when things get rough, those are the things I run to. Everything I try and avoid on a normal basis. It's kind of frustrating, but it's like familiar ground to me. It really makes me want to study and understand more so what addictions really are. They have a special kind of hold on the person they influence. It's like comfort. That can't be ok.

Trying to remember that He still loves me even when everything doesn't feel great. The true test will be to see how faith holds up and what role it plays in the rough times. Do I trust Him to get me through the hard stuff?

I feel surprisingly sad. I'm generally not very good at understanding my emotions right away. I'm trying to understand what exactly I feel and why. I think it's not what I initially thought. I think this is getting at a deeper issue. One that I've held hidden even from me for some time now. Maybe. Like I said, I don't fully understand my emotions. I know there's part of me that wants to cry, but I don't fully understand why. I think I've also just felt more emotional lately in general. I've felt like I really needed to be touched and loved. I've dreamed of being held and comforted and stroked. My heart feels uneasy and a little restless I guess. But I don't know why. I have that feeling of wanting to be cared for and have been trying to figure out where I can get it from.

Sometimes I think I give off the impression that I'm not a person who needs tender care and affection. I don't do it on purpose. But sometimes I look at my behavior and think, "Well, I guess I'm not making it clear." But it's crazy because, in actuality, I'm exactly the opposite of that. I need lots of love and affection. I long to held and loved just as much as the next person.

It was interesting last night. I was talking to a friend and our conversation took an interesting turn. I was asking her about a situation that was bothering me with one of my friends. The situation is kind of sad for me. She usually gives me pretty good advice about these things, and I generally follow it. All of a sudden, though, she surprised me by saying some very affirming things that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. It was just really nice. It lifted my heart and my spirits a lot, especially coming from her. I thank God for it. I kind of see it as Him affirming and expressing His love for me through her. I really needed that I think.

"i love you  and it's always fun  i really enjoy you ....

  ...for you

  i feel totally free to be myself around you

  like completely a dork

  and idiot

  and it's wonderful :)

  but i can also go really deep with you

  you have a special quality about you :)"  I asked God for an expression of love yesterday morning. Maybe this was His way of responding :-)

He is JEALOUS for me.

So that feeling I get when I see someone I love ignoring me to be with someone else, that's the same feeling He has for me?

Wow.

rollercoaster

It's been an interesting day. Started off bad, then got a little better. Then was AWFUL. Felt like a total failure. Hated myself for a bit. Made some very dramatic internal resolutions. Day got a little better. Then it was amazing. And in the light of not feeling so awful about myself and my decisions, I'm questioning the need for the dramatic-ness of my internal resolutions. But just because things got a little better doesn't mean that I still dont need those steps. Hard decisions. But I think I might need it. But I wonder if this is the right time.

I'm so glad my friends are home :)