So, yeah. I don't drink. Never been drunk. But tonight is interesting. Maybe I'm tired and can't really tell, but I feel like I'm operating in a similar way that I would had I been drinking. I feel very communicative, like I want to talk to and hear from the people I care about. But I have to remember that it's past 3am.

I can feel my heart longing for something. But I don't really know what it is. I think maybe it's romantic love. I'm sure that movie didn't help at all... But maybe it's something else. Maybe it's connection. Funny because I've had more connection tonight that I've had in a long time. But maybe that just whet my appetite. How I long to be held, to be babied. I've become so much of a leader that it seems no one wants to lead me anymore. Sometimes I just wanted to held, to be cared for, to be told that I'm loved, to be stroked, to be mothered. Maybe that's part of why it's been hard in the past for me to connect to God in that way because it's such a deep-rooted longing that I've protected and kept it hidden. The thought of being free to be loved and to be me causes an upheaval of emotion. It seems so far from me. So far from what's available to me. Ah, to close my eyes and rest my head on the breast of a loving Father. This makes me long for God. Sometimes I just get so tired. I don't always know it, but I do. I don't actually know how to handle life. I just want to rest, Father. To be taken care of. To be loved. Can I have that? Please? Can I cry on Your shoulder. There are so many unfallen tears. So many silenced cries. Will You hear me? I'm so tired Lord. I'm so tired. I didn't even know.

I still can't understand why You would love a wretch like me.

My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You
I will draw near to You