So I'm going to try this whole "writing without being an emotional train wreck" idea...

I went to a bonfire tonight. It's a big annual thing we've been doing for like four years now. It generally brings out most of my friends and is usually a pretty good time. Tonight I felt anti-social. Not completely, but somewhat. I kept having the urge to sort of wonder off alone or with a friend. Hanging out with groups of people, laughing, joking, etc felt kind of like performing. There are certain attitudes and behaviors that are expected of me and if I don't exhibit them, then people start to worry. And I don't mean worry in a helpful way, but more so in a curious way. It's nice that they notice when something's off, but I don't feel like explaining myself over and over again. So when I got tired of playing the game, I would leave for awhile, then come back.

I haven't really been myself lately. I've been noticing that I'm exhibiting a lot of signs of depression. I've started looking into it. I don't think it's serious, but I do think I should be careful. Signs include:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• fatigue and decreased energy
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• irritability, restlessness
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• overeating or appetite loss
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I've experienced almost all of these in pretty noticeable ways recently. I told a friend the other day how I sometimes worry about ending up like my mother. I know that mental disorders can have a hereditary component. I don't want to end up that way. Lord, I don't want to end up that way. I love her, but she is not well. But I see these tendencies in myself sometimes and I get worried. I think I should talk to someone. I love my friends, but I have trouble expressing it all to them. But I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't get it all outside of my head and heart. My cousin sent me a facebook message to make sure I was okay after seeing some questionable status updates. At first I tried blowing him off a little, downplaying how I was feeling and trying to flip it back to him. But he pressed a little further so I opened up a little to him. And it felt so good. There's so much going on inside of me that I don't feel like I can express to my friends for whatever reasons. But I have to talk or else I feel like I'll explode. When I start to talk about this stuff, I can feel the emotion welling up inside of me. There's like a river pressing at a dam waiting to burst through. I don't know what it'll take to break through. I remember being at camp last year and going out to the beach while everyone else was inside. For like the first time in a long time (maybe even ever) I just completely broke down. I fell to the ground and wept briefly losing control. It didn't last long, but it was a step in the right direction. My emotions had been caged for so long, in some ways I forgot how to feel. It was the third year in a continuing journey towards emotional healing. I'm getting there. I cry more now than I did say 4 years ago. But I still have trouble. I sometimes envy people who cry easily. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but you couldn't really tell by watching me. I need to cry. There's still so much bottled inside. Sometimes I just want to destroy something. I had quite the temper when I was younger. I ruined four doorjambs that I can think of. My family likes to tell stories about what a bad tempered child I was before the age of 5 when I suddenly changed. I sometimes say that what actually changed was my ability to control it. I remember as a child and as a teenager just having this rage that I couldn't control. I was so angry. Sometimes I still feel that anger deep down. I just don't express the way I used to. Sometimes it's not anger that I feel. Sometimes it's a deep deep sadness. A longing to just cry...and cry and cry and cry. I don't know how to start. And it's always a little weird because I feel silly when I cry. I wonder if I'm being fake. I never, ever want to be something I'm not. But this is something I think I need to be for my own well-being.

Oh, and for the record, I was asked today why I don't drink. I didn't feel like giving the answer then, but I'll say it. I have a history of alcoholism in my family and I've observed addictive tendencies in my own life. I don't want to add something for me to struggle with. I'm so afraid sometimes of ending up like my parents.

Maybe I'll try this whole crying thing tonight, see what happens. Don't know if I can get myself to that point without a trigger though.