i feel like i want to climb under a rock and shrivel out of existence. i feel so dead and empty inside and i don't know why. i don't feel like i can pray and what's even stranger is that i don't really feel like i want to. not really pray.

i feel like a failure. i've fallen and struggled and failed so much. i feel like i've completely given in to every temptation that's come my way. i'm so full of myself and so full of disregard. i haven't cared to read my Bible. not really read it. you'd think i'd know better.

i feel like i'm falling and the things i normally use to catch myself aren't really working for me so much anymore. i feel like the idea is for me to hit rock bottom and eventually discover that my only hope is Jesus. but that feels too easy. too sunday school.

but i do wonder where i'll end up. when you strip away the outer appearances, even the innter appearances, i'm not pretty. my heart is ugly and deceitful. what a wretched, wretched woman i am.

why do i only write when i feel like my world is falling apart?