"If we've gotta start somewhere, why not here? If we've gotta start sometime why not now?" -TobyMac
Monday, May 31, 2010
Jackass....yeah, it's an animal
I am trying not hate you right now. Well that's not entirely true. I'm not trying that hard.
I don't even know the words to say to you right now. I'm so angry with you. I'm not supposed to let the sun go down on my anger. But how am I supposed to forgive you before I fall asleep.
You're a sick bastard. I pray I never end up like you. I want to cry, I want to yell, I want to punch a hole through something.
How could you??? She has tried so hard to be a good wife to you. Sure, she may not be that great at it. Yeah, she has problems. But to treat her like a piece of shit and then turn around and betray her like that? Are you effing kidding me??!
You think you're the only one with "needs"? She never let another man in. Never. She stayed faithful to you and wouldn't even let us talk badly about you. Always telling us, that's your dad, you've gotta respect him. Respect! Guess that's beyond you. Then for you to whine and complain and bitch and moan about what a wife should be to her husband? And about how she's not fulfilling the role of a wife and how bad of a wife she is? Really? Seriously? You're not even a husband. She's a better person than you'll ever be. And don't fucking tell me it's not my damn business. It is my business. She's my mother. This is my family. It is my business. You're a jackass and she deserves better.
Who ARE you?? I don't even feel like I know you. I don't know if I can believe anything you say. You've led a secret life. How could I trust you? Just when I thought it was getting better. I was actually starting to like you a little. Way to dash my hopes. You're pretty good at that, aren't you?
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I don't even know why I'm hurt, it's not like you did anything to me. But I am. Maybe it's because I feel like I don't know you. I didn't have the highest opinion of you anyway, but now...I just don't know what to think.
And what do I do with this? Do I tell them? Do I keep it to myself? I'm so angry at you for even putting me in this position where I have to decide.
I was gonna try and do something nice. Something cute. Thought I'd change your wallpaper to my picture. Thought you might like that. What a discovery instead.
I could drag this out for awhile, but I don't really feel like doing that. So I'll leave it here. What a disappointment....jerk.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I went to a bonfire tonight. It's a big annual thing we've been doing for like four years now. It generally brings out most of my friends and is usually a pretty good time. Tonight I felt anti-social. Not completely, but somewhat. I kept having the urge to sort of wonder off alone or with a friend. Hanging out with groups of people, laughing, joking, etc felt kind of like performing. There are certain attitudes and behaviors that are expected of me and if I don't exhibit them, then people start to worry. And I don't mean worry in a helpful way, but more so in a curious way. It's nice that they notice when something's off, but I don't feel like explaining myself over and over again. So when I got tired of playing the game, I would leave for awhile, then come back.
I haven't really been myself lately. I've been noticing that I'm exhibiting a lot of signs of depression. I've started looking into it. I don't think it's serious, but I do think I should be careful. Signs include:
- difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
- fatigue and decreased energy
- feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
- feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
- insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
- irritability, restlessness
- loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
- overeating or appetite loss
- persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
- persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
- thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
Oh, and for the record, I was asked today why I don't drink. I didn't feel like giving the answer then, but I'll say it. I have a history of alcoholism in my family and I've observed addictive tendencies in my own life. I don't want to add something for me to struggle with. I'm so afraid sometimes of ending up like my parents.
Maybe I'll try this whole crying thing tonight, see what happens. Don't know if I can get myself to that point without a trigger though.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I can feel my heart longing for something. But I don't really know what it is. I think maybe it's romantic love. I'm sure that movie didn't help at all... But maybe it's something else. Maybe it's connection. Funny because I've had more connection tonight that I've had in a long time. But maybe that just whet my appetite. How I long to be held, to be babied. I've become so much of a leader that it seems no one wants to lead me anymore. Sometimes I just wanted to held, to be cared for, to be told that I'm loved, to be stroked, to be mothered. Maybe that's part of why it's been hard in the past for me to connect to God in that way because it's such a deep-rooted longing that I've protected and kept it hidden. The thought of being free to be loved and to be me causes an upheaval of emotion. It seems so far from me. So far from what's available to me. Ah, to close my eyes and rest my head on the breast of a loving Father. This makes me long for God. Sometimes I just get so tired. I don't always know it, but I do. I don't actually know how to handle life. I just want to rest, Father. To be taken care of. To be loved. Can I have that? Please? Can I cry on Your shoulder. There are so many unfallen tears. So many silenced cries. Will You hear me? I'm so tired Lord. I'm so tired. I didn't even know.
I still can't understand why You would love a wretch like me.
My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You
I will draw near to You
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
i feel like a failure. i've fallen and struggled and failed so much. i feel like i've completely given in to every temptation that's come my way. i'm so full of myself and so full of disregard. i haven't cared to read my Bible. not really read it. you'd think i'd know better.
i feel like i'm falling and the things i normally use to catch myself aren't really working for me so much anymore. i feel like the idea is for me to hit rock bottom and eventually discover that my only hope is Jesus. but that feels too easy. too sunday school.
but i do wonder where i'll end up. when you strip away the outer appearances, even the innter appearances, i'm not pretty. my heart is ugly and deceitful. what a wretched, wretched woman i am.
why do i only write when i feel like my world is falling apart?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Lord, change me. Fix me. Prepare me! You put this heart in me, it must not be for naught. I ache to go abroad. I don't even really know why. But i see the need and i want to help by being part of the solution. i see people in need and my heart longs to go to them. to be used by God for them. but i don't feel ready. i don't feel prepared. i'm not even consistent with reading my Bible. could i make it out there?
i'm excited for this spiritual discipline group this summer. "disciple" and "discipline" appear to have similar origins in meaning. i hope that by developing the spiritual disciplines in myself, i'll become a better disciple.
SELF MUST DIE!!!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Take, me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking
Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded
Come inside this heart of mine
It's not my own
Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it
All Your own
Welcome home
Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can
I took the space that You placed in me
Redecorated in shades of greed
And I made sure every door stayed locked
Every window blocked, and still You knocked
Take me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
They need you. Ive run out of words. i don't know what to say anymore. my friends are hurting. everywhere i look around someone's world is falling apart. i don't have the power to put them back together again. please take them and hold them. put them back together again Lord. they need you so much right now. hearts are breaking, spirits are falling, hope is fading, and faith is struggling. will You come and be the rescuer?
your tears don't frighten me.
your wounds don't scare me.
your pain won't run me away.
as long as i'm here, i'm here for you.