Jackass....yeah, it's an animal

"Be angry, and do not sin..." Ephesians 4:26a

I am trying not hate you right now. Well that's not entirely true. I'm not trying that hard.

I don't even know the words to say to you right now. I'm so angry with you. I'm not supposed to let the sun go down on my anger. But how am I supposed to forgive you before I fall asleep.

You're a sick bastard. I pray I never end up like you. I want to cry, I want to yell, I want to punch a hole through something.

How could you??? She has tried so hard to be a good wife to you. Sure, she may not be that great at it. Yeah, she has problems. But to treat her like a piece of shit and then turn around and betray her like that? Are you effing kidding me??!

You think you're the only one with "needs"? She never let another man in. Never. She stayed faithful to you and wouldn't even let us talk badly about you. Always telling us, that's your dad, you've gotta respect him. Respect! Guess that's beyond you. Then for you to whine and complain and bitch and moan about what a wife should be to her husband? And about how she's not fulfilling the role of a wife and how bad of a wife she is? Really? Seriously? You're not even a husband. She's a better person than you'll ever be. And don't fucking tell me it's not my damn business. It is my business. She's my mother. This is my family. It is my business. You're a jackass and she deserves better.

Who ARE you?? I don't even feel like I know you. I don't know if I can believe anything you say. You've led a secret life. How could I trust you? Just when I thought it was getting better. I was actually starting to like you a little. Way to dash my hopes. You're pretty good at that, aren't you?

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I don't even know why I'm hurt, it's not like you did anything to me. But I am. Maybe it's because I feel like I don't know you. I didn't have the highest opinion of you anyway, but now...I just don't know what to think.

And what do I do with this? Do I tell them? Do I keep it to myself? I'm so angry at you for even putting me in this position where I have to decide.

I was gonna try and do something nice. Something cute. Thought I'd change your wallpaper to my picture. Thought you might like that. What a discovery instead.

I could drag this out for awhile, but I don't really feel like doing that. So I'll leave it here. What a disappointment....jerk.

So I'm going to try this whole "writing without being an emotional train wreck" idea...

I went to a bonfire tonight. It's a big annual thing we've been doing for like four years now. It generally brings out most of my friends and is usually a pretty good time. Tonight I felt anti-social. Not completely, but somewhat. I kept having the urge to sort of wonder off alone or with a friend. Hanging out with groups of people, laughing, joking, etc felt kind of like performing. There are certain attitudes and behaviors that are expected of me and if I don't exhibit them, then people start to worry. And I don't mean worry in a helpful way, but more so in a curious way. It's nice that they notice when something's off, but I don't feel like explaining myself over and over again. So when I got tired of playing the game, I would leave for awhile, then come back.

I haven't really been myself lately. I've been noticing that I'm exhibiting a lot of signs of depression. I've started looking into it. I don't think it's serious, but I do think I should be careful. Signs include:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• fatigue and decreased energy
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• irritability, restlessness
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• overeating or appetite loss
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I've experienced almost all of these in pretty noticeable ways recently. I told a friend the other day how I sometimes worry about ending up like my mother. I know that mental disorders can have a hereditary component. I don't want to end up that way. Lord, I don't want to end up that way. I love her, but she is not well. But I see these tendencies in myself sometimes and I get worried. I think I should talk to someone. I love my friends, but I have trouble expressing it all to them. But I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't get it all outside of my head and heart. My cousin sent me a facebook message to make sure I was okay after seeing some questionable status updates. At first I tried blowing him off a little, downplaying how I was feeling and trying to flip it back to him. But he pressed a little further so I opened up a little to him. And it felt so good. There's so much going on inside of me that I don't feel like I can express to my friends for whatever reasons. But I have to talk or else I feel like I'll explode. When I start to talk about this stuff, I can feel the emotion welling up inside of me. There's like a river pressing at a dam waiting to burst through. I don't know what it'll take to break through. I remember being at camp last year and going out to the beach while everyone else was inside. For like the first time in a long time (maybe even ever) I just completely broke down. I fell to the ground and wept briefly losing control. It didn't last long, but it was a step in the right direction. My emotions had been caged for so long, in some ways I forgot how to feel. It was the third year in a continuing journey towards emotional healing. I'm getting there. I cry more now than I did say 4 years ago. But I still have trouble. I sometimes envy people who cry easily. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but you couldn't really tell by watching me. I need to cry. There's still so much bottled inside. Sometimes I just want to destroy something. I had quite the temper when I was younger. I ruined four doorjambs that I can think of. My family likes to tell stories about what a bad tempered child I was before the age of 5 when I suddenly changed. I sometimes say that what actually changed was my ability to control it. I remember as a child and as a teenager just having this rage that I couldn't control. I was so angry. Sometimes I still feel that anger deep down. I just don't express the way I used to. Sometimes it's not anger that I feel. Sometimes it's a deep deep sadness. A longing to just cry...and cry and cry and cry. I don't know how to start. And it's always a little weird because I feel silly when I cry. I wonder if I'm being fake. I never, ever want to be something I'm not. But this is something I think I need to be for my own well-being.

Oh, and for the record, I was asked today why I don't drink. I didn't feel like giving the answer then, but I'll say it. I have a history of alcoholism in my family and I've observed addictive tendencies in my own life. I don't want to add something for me to struggle with. I'm so afraid sometimes of ending up like my parents.

Maybe I'll try this whole crying thing tonight, see what happens. Don't know if I can get myself to that point without a trigger though.

So, yeah. I don't drink. Never been drunk. But tonight is interesting. Maybe I'm tired and can't really tell, but I feel like I'm operating in a similar way that I would had I been drinking. I feel very communicative, like I want to talk to and hear from the people I care about. But I have to remember that it's past 3am.

I can feel my heart longing for something. But I don't really know what it is. I think maybe it's romantic love. I'm sure that movie didn't help at all... But maybe it's something else. Maybe it's connection. Funny because I've had more connection tonight that I've had in a long time. But maybe that just whet my appetite. How I long to be held, to be babied. I've become so much of a leader that it seems no one wants to lead me anymore. Sometimes I just wanted to held, to be cared for, to be told that I'm loved, to be stroked, to be mothered. Maybe that's part of why it's been hard in the past for me to connect to God in that way because it's such a deep-rooted longing that I've protected and kept it hidden. The thought of being free to be loved and to be me causes an upheaval of emotion. It seems so far from me. So far from what's available to me. Ah, to close my eyes and rest my head on the breast of a loving Father. This makes me long for God. Sometimes I just get so tired. I don't always know it, but I do. I don't actually know how to handle life. I just want to rest, Father. To be taken care of. To be loved. Can I have that? Please? Can I cry on Your shoulder. There are so many unfallen tears. So many silenced cries. Will You hear me? I'm so tired Lord. I'm so tired. I didn't even know.

I still can't understand why You would love a wretch like me.

My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You
I will draw near to You

Trying not to be jealous, but I'm afraid she'll steal you away :(

sometimes i feel like i don't want to exist anymore. like if i could just disappear

save yourselves! avoid me.

what is this?

i feel like i want to climb under a rock and shrivel out of existence. i feel so dead and empty inside and i don't know why. i don't feel like i can pray and what's even stranger is that i don't really feel like i want to. not really pray.

i feel like a failure. i've fallen and struggled and failed so much. i feel like i've completely given in to every temptation that's come my way. i'm so full of myself and so full of disregard. i haven't cared to read my Bible. not really read it. you'd think i'd know better.

i feel like i'm falling and the things i normally use to catch myself aren't really working for me so much anymore. i feel like the idea is for me to hit rock bottom and eventually discover that my only hope is Jesus. but that feels too easy. too sunday school.

but i do wonder where i'll end up. when you strip away the outer appearances, even the innter appearances, i'm not pretty. my heart is ugly and deceitful. what a wretched, wretched woman i am.

why do i only write when i feel like my world is falling apart?