I sometimes wish we didn't have so many memories together. So much makes me think of you :-(

i kinda just want to break and tear something apart. so much trapped inside. i dont know how to make it all come out but i feel like it needs to >_<

in my mind i keep waiting, counting how long it will be before i can talk to you again. i keep thinking to myself, "if i can just wait 2 months, then my whole months not days or weeks comment will be fulfilled, and we can talk again." but maybe the whole point here is that i shouldn't feel like i need to count down. maybe i'll only be ready to re-enter this friendship once my heart is in a place where i don't feel like i have to.

All I want to say is "I MISS YOU!!!" Because I do. I miss him so much. And seeing him today, I just wanted to talk to him again. To make the weirdness go away and just be close again :(

i miss you like crazy. i sure hope to heck i was right.

Beginning of the End?

-------------
I’m sorry that this has been so confusing. That certainly was not my intent. If you couldn’t tell, there’s a lot going on in my mind right now. I’m really thinking through things and trying to honestly evaluate my life.

Sorry if the last message I sent you was not clear enough. I know you asked me about it on Friday but I really just didn’t have a response for you. I wasn’t expecting the conversation and was a bit at a loss for words.

You asked me what I needed from you. What I really need is space. A lot of space. It’s not because you’ve done anything wrong or because I’m upset with you at all. I’ve been thinking about our friendship and I’ve realized that I’ve become somewhat emotionally dependent on you. This would have been true regardless of whether or not you started dating ___, but your relationship with her and our ensuing separation made it a lot more clear to me. I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve talked to ___, and I think the only way to fix it is for us to actually separate from each other. It’s kind of like re-breaking a bone in order to let it grow and heal properly. The “breaking” is the distance we put between ourselves. It’ll hurt like hell but it’ll be better for us both in the long run.

You said you would continue to pursue a friendship with me until I told you to back off. This is me telling you to back off. Not in a mean way, not because I’m mad at you or anything like that. Trust me when I say this is hard on me too. You can consider it a severance of sorts. At least for awhile. I don’t know how long it will need to be, but we should think months, not days or weeks.

What this looks like:

- We don’t hang out in person. Of course we can greet each other and all of that, but no meaningful conversations. No “How are you’s.”
- We don’t call each other.
- We don’t chat on IM

You’ll probably feel like I’m ignoring you sometimes, and I probably will be. But only for the sake of keeping that distance. I don’t enjoy this at all, but it’s what’s necessary for me right now and for the health of our friendship.

I love you, and I hope you understand this. And I really hope you’re not mad at me. I realize it sucks. Just remember, like I said before, this is hard for me too.

I wish you all the very best life has to offer and I mean that as literally as I know how.

-____________

(By the way, I think it's important that this starts now. You may have some questions about some of it, but I really think it's best if we don't have a back and forth discourse about it as I don't think that would help this cause very well. I'm sorry, thank you for understanding.)
-------

New boys are not band-aids. Must keep self in check.

More Than You'll Ever Know

Rarely do I come across a song that describes any situation completely accurately, but that's what I've found in this song. Every word of it I mean to him. For that reason, I sent it to him about a month ago. He was touched by it.  Now I listen remembering our relationship and realizing I can't say it to him anymore and my heart grows sad :-(

"Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's okay to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been near God
And that's the way it ought to be...

'Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah
More than you'll ever know, yeah, yeah, yeah

You had faith, when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be...

You have carried me
You have taken upon a bruden that wasn't your own
And may the blessing return to you
A hundredfold, oh yeah...
A hundredfold, oh yeah..."

I really feel like I need to talk to someone. I'm so sad and there's so much going on. I don't feel like I can handle it all. So many emotions, thoughts, memories, mental connections, etc. Some of it directly to do with him, some of it not. It's overwhelming and really distracting. :( :( :(

I sent him a message today. It was such a hard thing to do. I feel like this makes it official, like it's all different from here on out. Preparing to press "Send" is about the closest I've come to crying in awhile.

---

So, I suppose I’d have to tell you this at some point regardless. I figure now is as good a time as any. You may have noticed a difference in my behavior towards you recently (knowing you, I’m sure you have). I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don’t want to risk hurting you unnecessarily (…Not to be presumptuous or anything. I’m just going off of how I’d feel in that situation).

There are actually a few different things at work here. We’ve talked a few times about the separation that would need to happen as you or I begin to date people. Being that our friendship is cross-gender, it’s just not appropriate for us to maintain the level of closeness we’ve had in the past. That time is here. I love ____. I can’t be the person in your life who makes her feel in anyway insecure in her relationship with you. I know, she’s a unique person and it seems many of the things others may experience, she’s kind of already past. But she’s still human and she’s still a girl. I can imagine how I would feel if the guy I was dating had a friendship with a girl that was as close as mine and yours. I can’t do that to her.

There’s also another layer to this. I’ve been evaluating my relationships recently and have realized that I’ve been depending on them too much for feelings personal fulfillment. This is something that I’m still thinking and praying through, but I need some distance in order to work through it.

So this is why I’ve been kind of distant lately and will continue to be at least for awhile. I hope you understand and that you’re not upset with me. You’ll always be special to me.

I'm not the type to get my heart broken
I'm not the type to get upset and cry
'Cause I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye

Relationships don't get deep to me
Never got the whole 'in love' thing
And someone can say they love me truly
But at the time it didn't mean a thing

My mind is gone, I'm spinnin' 'round
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
I'm losin' grip, what's happenin'?
I strayed from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life

Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed?
'Cause it's hurtin' me to let it go
Maybe 'cause we spent so much time
And I know that it's no more

I shoulda never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I'm sad to see us apart
I didn't give to you on purpose
Gotta figure out how you stole my heart

My mind is gone, I'm spinnin' 'round
And deep inside my tears I'll drown
I'm losin' grip, what's happenin'?
I strayed from love, this is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life

Now I'm in this condition
And I've got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

How did I get here with you? I'll never know

I never meant to let it get so personal

And after all I tried to do to stay away from lovin' you

I'm broken hearted, I can't let you know

And I won't let it show, you won't see me cry

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life

Now I'm in this condition

And I've got all the symptoms

Of a girl with a broken heart

But no matter what you'll never see me cry