Kind of a Rough Day :-/

I am not happy with this day so far. I feel like I've failed in so many areas. And instead of being smart enough to get up and make some changes, I've just walked around with the heaviness on my heart all day. I feel like I want something to change. I feel guilty about some decisions I've made but I'm too afraid to/can't fix them.

I guess I should happy that sin doesn't sit well with me. I suppose it's a sign of God in me. But it sure feels miserable. I just need to fix this. But there's other sin that's not fixable and I just have to deal with it. I hate that.

I feel so overwhelmed and confused about life today. I think I entered shutdown mode some time this morning or afternoon which would potentially explain part of how this day has gone. I've done nothing. Nothing productive at least. I finished putting my bookshelf together and organized it. It feels good to look at it and see it finished. But there were other things I should have been doing in that time. But I couldn't/wouldn't bring myself to do them. I didn't understand why. But the whole shutdown thing does make sense. I do that sometimes, and it's awful. Then I look back and realize that I've only made things worse, and made a bigger mess. *sigh* I need to stop worrying so much. I never really thought I was a worrier before, but I recognize it more now. I get so scared and nervous sometimes. I need love perfected in me because perfect love casts out fear.  I need that.

I kind of want to just quit; just do something else. But I've recognized before my aversion to commitment and I'll never grow if I quit on everything that challenges me. But I also have to consider the other side. Is it worth it for the other party? I'm not sure.

I'm thankful for this job, but sometimes I don't like it. Or at least I don't feel like it's for me. But if it's not, then what am I supposed to be doing. Did I miss something? Or am I in the process of missing something right  now? I feel so blind sometimes.

*sigh* So much to think about, or maybe to stop thinking about.