Had a conversation with that friend today. It feels better. I want to do whatever it takes. I knew when I saw her that the connection was too strong to fade that quickly. The entire time we were together- pre-, during, and post-talking- all i wanted to do was to hug her. I love my friends. My heart is so vulnerably attached to each of them. It's scary because that means they have a certain amount of power over me. I don't like the thought of being vulnerable. But it's true. Few things can so negatively affect my mood as a relationship gone awry. I still worry for her. I don't know where she stands with God. I don't know what kinds of things she's become involved with. But I know that I love her and that I want to commit myself in whatever way possible or necessary to being her friend. We talk evangelism, but do we live it? I think we could all use a little evangelism- someone reminding us what we believe, someone loving us into Christian community and relationship with God. Who says its supposed to stop once a person crosses the line of faith? So, I'm going to "evangelize" my friend til I'm blue in the face because I love her just that much.

Man, I really screw up when I go all inward focused. I don't think straight and I miss a lot. There are people around me who are actually hurting, who need connection, and where am I? I'm off sulking by myself, keeping my friendship- and my love- all to myself. How selfish! There are a lot of people I haven't talked to, a lot of responsibilities I've ignored, a lot of opportunities I've missed. Why? Because I was too focused on how I "feel" to care about most other things. I really do get tired of myself sometimes. I mean that not in a self-pitying, "the world hates me" sort of way, but in a true, "why can't i just do the right thing" sort of way. I do this so much. In and out, up and down. Constantly. It's annoying when I look at it from a more healthy perspective. Right now, the image I have is one of me stepping out of a cave after having been down there in the dark for so long. I squint and shield my face from the sun. I feel like I'm coming out of a cave of darkness in my life. What I don't understand is how I end up there *so* often.

I like boys. A lot. I always have. My first crush was in kindergarten on this kid named Christopher. I think I liked him because he was nice to me. My crushes these days are a little more complex. Complexity adds confusion. There are boys. A few of them. None of them are aware of their status in my mind as "boys" (in the non-childish sense, that is). I think for now its best to keep it that way because I don't know what to do or even really how I feel. But I am me, and I don't have tons of self-control just yet. Not to say that I'll cross any lines, but chances are I'll either intentionally or unintentionally try to let them know the "cookie is out there" so to speak ;)