can you hear me?
far across the chasm that seemingly separates us
i'm trying to call out.
i choke on the words.
do you still love me?
i know i don't deserve even a kind glance in my direction
but i'm hoping that what i think about you is true.
for a brief moment it was true to me.
it was truer than anything i'd ever known.
for a moment, i knew you loved me
and i wrestled over the truth that there was nothing i could do about it.
and i fought back.
like a child with my sign
presenting the God of the universe with all the reasons
why he shouldn't love me
i stood before you.
i stood.
but maybe that's the problem.
i stood where i should have bowed.
i allowed pride and arrogance to fill the space
that was intended for awe and gratitude.
we live in an age where we are told
"be real with God. don't fake it"
so i don't fake it but have i lost the reverence for the One who created me?
i feel so. far.
so far from you, so far from me.
so far removed from life.
is any of this real?
i don't know if it's a wall or if it's a cessation of life but
i can't feel my heart beating anymore.
no love, no compassion.
nothing to give or offer.
to weak to be leaned upon and to stiff to lean myself.
i can't feel my heart beating anymore.
i try to speak but translation is difficult.
how could it be possible to relay all of *this* to "them?"
no words, no sound. no communication.
how could i even tell them i'm going down?
tears flow more easily now. it's easier to cry when nothing else will come out.
they say you listen to the heart more than words.
if this is true, can you hear me?
the loneliness is growing now.
never in my adult years have i longed so much for companionship.
someone to love me, someone to love.
a hand to hold, a chest to cling to.
a friend who exceeds friendship.
bad decisions seem to be the marker of this time in my life.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!!
i don't think i could be more clear.
i am completely lost.
i feel like maybe i should be ok with that
but i'm not.
to be continued...