Pure

Staying pure is SO difficult. i used to think i was the only one who struggled, but i've learned differently over the past few years. in fact, i think most people do. i kind of just assume it. i generally put people into one of 4 categories: 1) those who really struggle with it, 2) those who deal with it and see nothing wrong with it 3) those who are sexually repressed and don't really know to struggle with it yet, and 4) that very, very rare few who are aware of and comfortable with their sexuality but just aren't tempted in that area as much. that's a very very small group. although i know this, it's still really hard. i want to beat this. i want nothing to control my life. but man does it suck.

fyi, i'm not just making stuff up. since i actually started talking about it with people, i've come across very very few girls who don't or haven't struggled with it to some degree. for the one or two who haven't said it or alluded to it, their total aversion to the topic suggests to me that they're a little repressed in that area.

Accountability is a blessing from God.

i'm deciding i want to be more forthcoming about this whole thing. when i realized i wasn't alone, that's when i felt free to find accountability. that relationship has been an incredible blessing in both our lives. i think a lot of other people, particularly girls, could use that freedom. i think a lot of girls still think they're the only ones that struggle with purity of mind and body. it eats you alive because you feel guilty because you know deep down it's wrong but you also feel way to ashamed to talk to anyone because you think you're the only one. so it just consumes you. i lived that way for a long time until finally i told my best friend one night after having said that there was still something she didn't know about me. that idea was upsetting to her so i spilled. i freaked out. i cried and hyperventilated- each occurring separately of the other. the reaction was so deep because i was sharing something for the first time that had consumed my life for about 13 or 14 years. i was buried under shame and guilt. and conviction because i did know it was wrong. i knew it was wrong from the time i was a very small child (maybe 6 years old?) and it had followed me all that time.

the next time i shared, i was leading a girls discussion/book study group for the Christian student org i was about to become president of at my university. i decided we needed to take a break from our normal  book study and to instead listen to a message about being real and removing our masks. so i took a leap figuring that as the president of my chapter i couldn't in good conscience ask them to do anything i wasn't willing to do. so i shared. a lot. everything actually. i shared all of the "big 3" aspects of my personal story that i had determined several years prior that i would never tell people. the walls came down. and as i shared, more girls opened up. it was here that an accountability relationship on the topic of purity was birthed between me and another friend. it was the first time i can remember hearing anyone admit to struggling in this area outside of my other friend who'd attributed it to different causes.

now more and more, i hear the topic being brought up. i've even heard it addressed by speakers at ours and other gatherings. i've talked about it with girls from more recent girls' groups. and little by little, freedom is being won. so i've decided that i have to be honest, both for my sake and for the sakes of the girls who'll continue to struggle in silence until they know that they're not alone.