heart broken for the first time and he doesn't even know... :'(

but i never told you what i should have said
no, i never told you; i just held it in
and now, i miss everything about you
can't believe that i still want you
after all the things we've been through
i miss everything about you
without you

I keep torturing myself with music. Not really torture. It's more like I can feel so much bottled inside me that I want to emote. Music helps me do that. I haven't really been able to find very many songs that express what I'm feeling and describe the situation well. I think the best was "Long, Long, Time" by Linda Ronstadt. I put the lyrics up on facebook and I'm surprised no one has made any comments. That's probably a good thing because I don't want to explain (or refuse to explain) what it's all about.

I almost want to write my own lyrics to express this. How did I do this to myself??

sad that i can't call him :(

when you focus on the right thing, it makes it easier to not focus on the rough things. need to draw closer to God now...

Stories

I never knew that it would feel like this When the two that raised you up and call it quits
Nobody told me 'bout the emptiness
When the place you call home is closed for business
I push the pain down, I gotta "get by"
Always knowin' in my heart that it ain't gonna fly
Rock bottom's never felt so near before
And if pain is God's megaphone it's loud and clear

So hold me now Father, human love ain't enough
I've failed and been failed by the people I love
But your faithful arms they surround me
And any other soul who has to sail those seas
Of a broken family

We've been down to the bottom
Stories we got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
To let the lost know that someone cares

Cause we've been down to the bottom
Stories we've got 'em, when we hit rock bottom
If you been there put your hands in the air
And let somebody know that the Most High cares

Been so many times that I've been close to rock bottom
Tryin' to look for answers but nobody's got'em
Like the time my mother looked me in the eye
Tryin' not to cry, tellin' me the cancer might cause her to die
How can this be? I thought that God loved me
So why would he try to take my mother from me?
And as I cry myself to sleep at night, holding on my pillow tight
He spoke to me and said that everything gonna be alright
So I tried to fight all the pain that it caused
Try to move on and I try to stay strong

So put your hands up, if y'all are feelin' me
And put your hands up, for everyone to see
So put your hands up, we all a family
So put your hands up, in unity, in unity

...

I've been there too
When everything falls apart and the best you can do is
Get through each day wonderin' will this never end?
Is it always gonna be this way?
And the greatest lie you've ever been told is that
You're the only one to ever walk on this road
And that you'll never see the light of dawn, so we came together to say
Hold on


Cause we've been there and found our way home
I promise you that you're not on your own
One day this will pass, God will see us all through
God will see us all through, God will see us all pass through

-Superchic[k] and TobyMac

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I can't even begin to express how thankful I am. I don't think I could han- ...I don't even want to think about it. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

It feels like there is so much unexpressed emotion welled up inside of me that I can literally physically feel it. I don't even know what it is. I can tell it's time for my period. I've been a little off-center lately. I don't even know how to release it all or even what it is.