maybe it is true. maybe i really am the worst friend ever. maybe the good people see is all a front and positive results are merely a merciful by-product of my facade. maybe, just maybe, they don't need me and shouldn't want me. maybe we're all better off without me.

i need true connection. i'm surrounded by friends, yet i feel so alone.

can you hear me?
far across the chasm that seemingly separates us
i'm trying to call out.
i choke on the words.
do you still love me?
i know i don't deserve even a kind glance in my direction
but i'm hoping that what i think about you is true.
for a brief moment it was true to me.
it was truer than anything i'd ever known.
for a moment, i knew you loved me
and i wrestled over the truth that there was nothing i could do about it.
and i fought back.
like a child with my sign
presenting the God of the universe with all the reasons
why he shouldn't love me
i stood before you.
i stood.
but maybe that's the problem.
i stood where i should have bowed.
i allowed pride and arrogance to fill the space
that was intended for awe and gratitude.
we live in an age where we are told
"be real with God. don't fake it"
so i don't fake it but have i lost the reverence for the One who created me?
i feel so. far.
so far from you, so far from me.
so far removed from life.
is any of this real?
i don't know if it's a wall or if it's a cessation of life but
i can't feel my heart beating anymore.
no love, no compassion.
nothing to give or offer.
to weak to be leaned upon and to stiff to lean myself.
i can't feel my heart beating anymore.
i try to speak but translation is difficult.
how could it be possible to relay all of *this* to "them?"
no words, no sound. no communication.
how could i even tell them i'm going down?
tears flow more easily now. it's easier to cry when nothing else will come out.
they say you listen to the heart more than words.
if this is true, can you hear me?
the loneliness is growing now.
never in my adult years have i longed so much for companionship.
someone to love me, someone to love.
a hand to hold, a chest to cling to.
a friend who exceeds friendship.
bad decisions seem to be the marker of this time in my life.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!!
i don't think i could be more clear.
i am completely lost.
i feel like maybe i should be ok with that
but i'm not.
to be continued...

'Cause I promised myself I wouldn't fall, but here I've fallen. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. All I can do is cry to You, "Oh God You have to save me. You're my last and only hope. All my right answers fail me. I can't seem to make it on my own." -BarlowGirl

I wish I were smarter sometimes.

I am so confused. What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do?

I don't know what to do. I can't even explain away the way i feel as some unfair circumstance of the world. no one has done anything to me. no great tragedies. no taking advantage of. there are people who have real things going on....

none of it matters anyway. who cares?

I. feel. so. alone. Is there no one??

:'(

FOCUS

I've been finding lately that my attention is so divided. I don't feel like I'm "all in" on anything. I've got so much going on right now- trying to move, starting a new job, working at my current job, our big outreach on campus, regular ministry stuff, and trying to make sure my friends don't think I've forgotten about them. I can't complain; some of it I brought on myself. It's that everlasting desire to be "involved." And it's funny because even looking back at it now, I don't know that I would do anything differently. I feel completely slammed and like I'm failing at all these things because none of them are getting my full attention, and yet, I continue to do them. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's a crazed drive to do as much as possible even though I know I'm not doing it well. I can't imagine that that falls within God's Will. I can't imagine that He wants me to give less than my best. I'm sure that I'm supposed to focus on what I can do and trust Him with the rest. The only thing is, I don't know what to give up. Maybe that's it. It's not so much that I want to accomplish as much as possible, but rather that there are so many things that I actually care about and want to be apart of. For example, this human trafficking outreach. I want to be involved in it. I've taken on more than I can handle because I really care about it and want to help out. But maybe that wasn't what I was supposed to do. Maybe it's not really helpful when I step up to help out but can't really offer my whole commitment. Then I feel like I'm shafting these other areas too. Almost all of them are things that I truly care about. I wish that I didn't have so many other things going on right now. They're all a blessing, but I really wish I could just focus my time and energy on the human trafficking campaign. This is something that I truly care about, but I feel like my mind isn't even really focused on it. I really want to help out, but what can I do when I'm at work during so much of it? And then when I'm not at that job, trying to work on stuff for the new job, and when I'm not working on that, trying to find a way to move my stuff to my new place...aghhhh, so frustrating sometimes. I don't know what to do. I really wish sometimes that I could survive without my current job and just live on what I make at the new one. But that doesn't seem feasible right now. Plus, I've been developing some relationships there that I think I should continue. I just wish my whole life could be dedicated to full time ministry. I know that I am to be a minister for Christ wherever I am, but I really just want my job or vocation to be active, full time ministry, and I don't ever want to retire. I don't know if that would be here or back in China. I miss what I was doing, which I won't talk about here. I want to go back for a year. That was my plan when I came home and has wavered in and out of my agenda for the next couple of years. Overall though, it's stayed apart of my flimsy plans. I still want to go back. When I got back from a missions conference this month, I felt pretty well convinced that I wanted to go. And I still am. I just don't feel as emotionally attached to it. But like I explained to my friend, the reason that I feel like I should go into foreign missions even though there's a great need domestically is that I am willing. There are a lot of believers willing to commit to ministry at home, but those willing to go overseas- especially for long periods of time- are harder to find. I want to go. Living the life of a foreign missionary sounds appealing to me. It would be nice to have a partner. A husband seems preferable, although, a good friend would also be nice. I don't know what the future holds for me. I'm getting too far ahead trying to make plans and such. The other option is domestic ministry on a college campus somewhere here. This is also a passion of mine. I love college and college ministry. I can get lost in it. When I was the president of my group, I used to wish that I didn't have classes or work so that I could devote my attention totally to ministry. I still feel that way.
It's weird, I've been talking about working for this organization I'm apart of for probably about three years now. My staff people have had conversation with me and with their supervisor about the idea of me coming on staff. Then I went to China and I saw this new possibility. I felt a passion that I didnt know about before. I felt drawn back to that region to do the work they are doing there. I told my staff person about this when I got back. The response was immediately relatively supportive but as time has gone on, things have felt weird. They've been expecting me for a few years now to move into ministry here. Now that I'm talking about going back over there, their plans for me are having to change. It's strange to me because it almost feels like being written off. My staff person told me that if I'm planning to stay that they would do all these things to develop me and help me along, but if I'm not then they probably won't do those things. I guess I can somewhat understand, but it still doesn't feel too good because I would hope that they would want to help develop me regardless of where I'm going to end up, just because they care about me as a person and as a disciple. Besides, it's not like I'm leaving the organization. Either way, it's the same organization just with different areas of ministry. I don't know how I feel about that. I kind of feel like I don't matter as much if I'm not going to stay. And I feel like I'm not really that important to them here. I'm not going to go into a full rant about this because I haven't talked it over with C. yet. That's another problem, but that's a whole other story. Hopefully next week I'll be able to sit down with her and really have a conversation. I feel like I need it. On a professional level and on a personal level. There is, after all, a friendship here as well.

I don't know, we'll see. For now, my prayer is for focus and priorities.