Jump without jumping

I have no clue what that means. But that's what he told me I should ask God to help me do. And every time I start trying to make sense of it, he stops me and tells me not to apply "world" rules to God. I don't think I've ever been challenged to think quite so far outside the box about God. But it's not unbiblical or heretical what he's telling me. It's just different. It's as if he truly knows God and doesn't really understand how some people might not. It's beautiful.

We talked tonight for about three and a half hours. That was not intentional. I made cookies for him and his roommate and took them over to their apartment. He invited me inside. At first I declined 1) because I legitimately need to be up in the morning for my interview and 2) because I didn't want him to think that I was wanting to come up and talk for awhile. We talked for a minute with me standing outside before I decided to step into the lobby. After I stepped in, he said "Yeah, you should come up." So I considered myself officially genuinely invited and decided to come up. But I told him, "Don't let me stay long. I have an interview tomorrow." I guess neither of us was paying attention to that request.

We talked and talked and talked and talked some more. He's broken. That much I can see. He's about as insecure as I am as it concerns people. And he overthinks and is maybe a little too sensitive. In the first part of our conversation, I was thinking maybe he wouldn't be a very good match for me. Brokenness is only attractive to a certain extent. I enjoy taking care of people, but I don't want to need to fix them. I'd rather let God take care of that. However, the conversation shifted to matters of faith and I probably felt more attracted to him than I ever had before.

We talked about what it means to know God. To him, it all comes down to love. You love God and trust Him. "Keep it simple," he says. "Don't think too much." He tells me to just jump and trust God no matter what the outcome is. Maybe He'll give me wings, maybe I'll crash, maybe He'll give me extra strength in my legs or arms. Just trust Him. He tells me I can hear God speak but that I just need to pay attention. He tells me to be driven by the Holy Spirit. He says if I don't understand, then just to ask God. We talked a lot about Jesus' command to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself. This part of the conversation started with him asking me what was my gift. I told him in uncertain terms that I think maybe connecting with people and "knowing things." The part about knowing things is what really sparked it. I wasn't confident that that's what it was, but he challenged me and  said it was and that I knew it was. Let go. Trust. These were the major themes of this part of the conversation.

He also ruined the word "interesting" for me :p

I'm still not behaving like I really think he'll be gone in a couple of months :(                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

I don't know him extraordinarily well. I just know that it's really easy to talk to him and that we connect so well. We have common views on uncommon ideas, and I've never known anyone quite like him before. In him I see lots of opportunity to love and finally the possibility of receiving that love in return. But I don't know him extraordinarily well. And he's leaving in eight weeks. Is it pathetic that I can already feel my heart starting to drop? :(

Is two months long enough to fall in love?

I may or may not be smiling from ear to ear and carrying butterflies in my stomach :) :)

Sharing Life

Could it be that we are called to share the riches of friendship that we have been blessed with in the same way we are called to share monetary wealth? I've just been realizing more lately how many people in this world are lonely and how incredibly blessed I am with friendship and social activity. The latter part sounds a little weird, but it's true. I'm realizing the life I lead isn't normal. I know a LOT of people and I do a LOT of things. I think I've taken it for granted. But the truth is, those things are blessings. And as I meet people who lack relationship and personal connection, I feel moved to invite them to enjoy the blessings I've received.

Wondering where my joy has gone.

I was remembering this morning that feeling of being excited about life, feeling such hope and overflow of joy. Where has that gone. Most days just drag out for me, and very little seems to truly excite me. What's wrong? So much to understand, I don't know where to start.

So, I've decided that I have to learn how to swim.

Because I'm terrified of the water, because it will force me to trust myself and others, because there's so much life to be enjoyed on the other side of the shallow end. I have to learn.

It's weird because I think that it will cause a deep and significant bond between the person who teaches me and myself. While I'm in the beginning stages, I'll have to trust them a lot, especially since water frightens me so much. The last person who tried, I clung to him desperately every time I felt afraid. By the time I'd actually learned something, I trusted him a lot. And the person will have to be patient with me because even small steps in this area take a long time for me. As they learn to deal with my lack of confidence and I learn to trust them and myself, I think a good relationship will form.

I'm looking forward to this :)