11/28/13
Jesus's love is incredible. It's not the "warm-fuzzies" kind of love but rather it was in what He did. He actually gave up His life so that I could live and be in relationship with the Father. The gravity of what He did is shown in the reason and the circumstances under which He did it. He chose to die for me while I was still a sinner in rebellion against Him. He did not choose to save me because of anything I could give Him in return or because of something I could contribute to the world; I had nothing to offer. Father God decided that I was valuable to Him. His love for me has no beginning, no end, no measurement, and no reason known to man. He loved me, therefore He decided that it was worth it for His Son to die so that I could be saved. This is the love that is referred to in Ephesians 3:16-19, not the warm-fuzzies. This is messy, painful, give-all kind of love, and it is the same love we are called to live in with God and with the people He has made. He is to be our first love. All of my love is for Him. As I give all my love to Him, I am able to experience (not just know about) the abundant fullness of His love toward me. Out of the vast overflow of that love, I am able to love the people around me- including family, friends, and significant others. If I don't give my love first to Him and experience the outpouring of His love to me, I am only left to love others with my own love which will always be flawed and never be enough. But when I elevate Father God above all others and all else, He fills me in turn with His love which is more than enough to share with the people in my life. If I truly want to love others the way I say I do, the best thing I can do is to make them second to God in my life so that out of the fullness of Him, I have something to offer them.

5/23
It feels like my life is falling apart into shambles all around me. I feel such an absence of hope, so little reason to believe I will ever be happy. Everything and everyone that means anything to me is slowly drifting away and little by little I'm finding I have little for which to live. And yet, no reason to die. I don't want to die. I realize that's not the answer. It wouldn't be an escape but rather an expedited journey to judgement. I believe that wholeheartedly and so it acts as an invisible tether keeping me from going too far down the path of self destruction. But that doesn't change where I am now. Maybe it should. Maybe if I believe in the God who judges in death, it should color my belief in the same God who saves and restores in life. But, for some reason, all of what I know is really hard to see when I'm in this place. This place is dark and it feels empty and lonely. The truth sounds far off and echo-y while all kinds of lies start to permeate my thinking space. All day long my mind replays the things that feel wrong or sad or overwhelming.

Sometimes i just want to give up on everything. Sometimes it's hard to remember why to keep going. Sometimes i just really want all this to be over.

"I've been restless on the inside 
Wondering about this heart of mine 
I've been desperately trying to find 
A way to prove that I'm still alive 

Has the love I speak so loudly of quietly grown cold 
Has my life been an empty voice? 
What I say needs to be seen 
I need to step out and make the choice 
To let go of everything 
Would You reignite this heart spark here in the dark? 

Bring Your love to life inside of me 
Why don't You break my heart 'til it moves my hands and feet 
For the hopeless and the broken 
For the ones that don't know that You love them 
Bring Your love to life inside of me" 

Sometimes it's really hard to be the "ugly friend."

Sometimes I want to hide under my covers and never come out...perhaps just disappear altogether. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist. Sometimes I don't want to keep living. But that's not my choice to make. So I do keep living. I keep getting up everyday. Sometimes it seems like its getting harder and harder. Sometimes I wonder what's happening to me, who I'm becoming. Because I don't really recognize it. It feels like I'm losing myself. Losing a grip on reality. Every now and then I look around and realize that this is real life. This is all really happening. I really am alive. And then I become afraid. I become afraid and want to hide and want to not be alive. It feels like so much pressure. This is the only life I get and I have to make something out of it. I have to do it right or it's wasted. And if it's wasted, it's not like that doesn't matter. It means I've let God down, and I don't want to do that. But everyday I live like I'm living now, I feel like I'm letting Him down anyway. And that's when I want to quit again. Call me a loser, call me a punk, but that's how I feel. I feel like life is too hard and I just want to hide. Hide away and disappear. But I can't. So I keep going, but I don't enjoy it. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm very sad. And discouraged. Sometimes I want to cry. Other times I don't feel anything at all. Just empty. But I'm a Christian. I'm not supposed to feel empty...or sad. If I do, that means I'm doing something wrong. I'm probably not praying enough. Or something. It's not that I don't take it seriously. I just honestly don't know what to do anymore. The things people tell me almost seem to mean nothing at all. Everything feels dark and empty and sad. Everywhere I look in my life, I see pain and bad memories. I'm sure it's not as ugly as I'm seeing it to be. I'm sure there's some sort of filter that all my vision is passing through right now. But that's what I see, and so that is how I feel.

I just had the very comforting thought that "I am not a mystery" to God. Even if I don't know what's going on with me, He does. I'm not lost. I'm very much found and seen.

(Was listening to the song "Mended" by Watermark)